/2X/ - (XX)

I've been in a relationship with a man for around 8 years now and a lot of my past bullshit and emotional issues caused by men have resolved over this near-decade. I feel leagues ahead of where I once was. I hope you feel comfortable and learn to trust yourself again nona, that seems to be the important part but I don't have a way with words to illustrate that

I am personally never going to be entering another romantic relationship because of the trauma. I don't think you should bother, men are a complete waste of time and are counterproductive to almost anything in a woman's life.

Unless he has money, I see no use in a male.

To be honest I think it's very difficult for women to truly resolve trauma because we are pressured to forgive/move on/get over it. That leads to a lot of lying to ones self about how we truly feel. When we are justifiably angry or on alert, we are told we should not feel that way.
I personally made a lot of mistakes after my abusive first relationship that led me to being in nothing but abusive situations down the road. My entire 20's have been a series of manipulative, boundary-crossing relationships with men that would've never happened if I'd truly confronted what happened to me instead of forgiveness.
I am just now beginning to heal and it's only by accepting and NOT moving past, and now I'm holding everyone accountable (even the friends that saw what was happening and let it happen, or kept being friends with my initial abuser so that I felt crazy for hating him). No, it's not easy, but it's a hell of a lot easier than being a victim again.

I'm the OP. I didn't realize just how badly things had affected me until very recently. It's so bad I think I might break up with my bf. He hasn't done anything wrong. I just feel like I can't heal like this. What do you think?

>>4581
I don't what exact advice to give, I'm in a "relationship" with a man but neither of us consider it one, we live together, we sleep together, we have shared activities, we don't have other partners and yet I don't consider him my boyfriend, Its cause I know and understand him that I can't fully commit with him, cause he is a deeply troubled man but I'm troubled as well, so we just stick together and we see it how ends, I mean I'm a fucking loser as well, so I can't judge anybody, I'm an adult woman who mostly watches cartoons and has few IRL friends and yet I still try to lead a life, maybe its fear of loneliness but I try to stand strong and as long as he's with me I feel safe, I'm not perfect and neither is he and neither is the world, I choose to believe in my principles, that all things come at a price. that there's an ebb and a flow, that the pain one suffers has a reward at the end, I choose to believe that and I hope you can as well

>>4157
wow okay that list would also fit "ways personality disorders can show up"

>>4624
yeah it's really similar, and pds can develop due to abuse so it makes sense. I think the distinction is that those "symptoms" wouldn't have been present before the abuse though

>>4581
>I just feel like I can't heal like this.
I think this is the most important thing. If you believe there's nothing that can be done to make the relationship less stressful, then you have to do what is healthiest for you. I'm curious if your bf has attempted to help at all though? There's a difference between "not doing anything wrong" and actively supporting your recovery. It's true that no one should expect their partner to play therapist or spend all their time researching trauma/PTSD, but at the same time, I think knowing your partner is dealing with problems and not trying to support them in some way is lazy and insensitive. It's like knowingly getting into a relationship with a cancer patient but not bothering to go to chemo with them or helping out around the house when they're feeling miserable. These days I happily use myself as a standard for what I would want in a potential partner, and I think back to how I would go out of my way to build exes up when I knew they were dealing with trauma or even just having a bad day. Spending hours talking with them telling them all the things I appreciated about them and giving suggestions on how to get past things, taking care of day-to-day tasks so they could focus on themselves, doing research on my own, asking how I could be more aware of triggers and interacting on their terms. I know there are actually some men who do this as well, and you deserve nothing less.

I think as an abuse survivor we have special considerations in a relationship and if a partner is not going out of their way to address them, they may not be the best fit. But if you haven't really given your bf the chance yet (if you haven't told him much and discussed these concerns), maybe it could be discussed to see if he steps up? If he's already tried to be there and it's not helping though, then I agree you'd probably be better putting yourself in a less difficult situation for now.

Is it still considered dating after abuse if the abuser was my mom's ex-boyfriend and the abuse was all emotional/verbal? The man was a misogynistic douchebag who thought I needed to be constantly cleaning the house because I was unemployed. I did my fair share, arguably more since all he was ever expected to do was the dishes while I handled laundry, dusting, and vacuuming, but he tried to dump all the work on me and complained about how childish I was for wanting to unwind and play video games in the evening. He's finally out of my life, and I have a boyfriend now, but I worry I'm not being fair to him because I've outright stated before that I never want to move in with him because I don't want to be treated like a man's chore whore again. My bf can be a bit of a slob, but he's been trying to get better about taking care of himself and his house since we got together. I still don't know about letting him in, though. If I put myself in that situation after being trapped in that situation with my mom's ex for over a decade, I'll go nuts. Sorry for long, rambling, probably incoherent post that might not even be on topic.

>>4652
He knows what I've been through and he does so much to try and help me, sometimes it does help and other times I just feel so hopeless that nothing anyone says can get through to me. I alternate between feeling somewhat normal (during those times I adore him) and feeling like I should just kill myself to spare everyone the trouble of dealing with me and my baggage (in those instances I feel so overwhelmed with everything and everyone). I know that's the abuser programming though so I'm just trying to get past it as best as I can. It's really hard

>>4681
I understand why you'd be hesitant to move in with someone after that. IMO it's very on topic. Sure it wasn't a romantic relationship but it was still an abusive one that left you with some scars.
>If I put myself in that situation after being trapped in that situation with my mom's ex for over a decade, I'll go nuts.
I really relate to this part in particular. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, just wanted you to know that I feel for you. it's rough

>>4681
Honestly I’m at the point where I don’t desire cohabitation anymore not only for safety reasons and avoiding unfair responsibilities but because I genuinely love living on my own. Being able to decorate exactly how I want, go to bed/eat/do chores on my own schedule, blasting loud music or having it perfectly quiet, walk around naked and do a stupid dance without being ogled, and just generally having my own little sanctuary is bliss. I’ve known a handful of long-term couples that don’t live together but are in the same neighborhood and honestly that sounds ideal to me. Being able to spend time together whenever you want but also having a separate sense of peace and security. If your bf has a goal of eventually cohabitating with a partner maybe it’s not a good fit, but it’s not “unfair” of you to prefer having your own space either.

>>4684
That’s good to hear he’s so supportive! Just based on what you’ve written here it sounds like the desire to leave is coming more from that place of trauma rather than a well-reasoned plan. It would be one thing if you acknowledged you needed to do certain actions to heal which could only be completed alone, but obviously feeling suicidal is not part of a healthy outlook. Feeling good at least some of the time is still progress. You’re right that it’s not easy, but if the rational side of you knows you’ve got a good thing going on I think it would be a shame to throw it away because you don’t want to be a burden. It’s good to take responsibility for yourself but remember your bf is an adult capable of making his own decisions, and if he’s repeatedly saying you’re worth it to him, then he’s one of those good voices you ought to allow to stay to combat the negative ones.

>>4689
You've described how I feel too. I've heard of married couples living across the road from each other and whilst I get it doesn't make financial sense, it makes sense in every other way to me. Now that I finally have my own space, I'm never giving it up for a man again.

Well my trauma stems from how my mom treated me and raised me (and the way it shows up looks very similar like on OP's pic >>4157 ) but I feel it also projected on my choice of love.

I used to be quite lovesick and when I would meet a guy that was attractive to me and also clicked with my personality and interests, I would fall in love fast.

But these scrotes (all two of them that I dated lol) turned out to be abusive and in way that reflected my own mother's abuse. Making me feel inadequate through various actions such as - small comments of comparing me to more attractive women, going hot and cold and withholding attention for no apparent reason (not answering text messages), gradually more criticism because I was not reflecting their flavor of the month, annoyed with me if I needed a bit more that day and then showering me with attention when I would shut down.

Anyway I went to a therapist and started processing all of that. As I was processing issues with my mother, my whole perception of myself and the world started shifting, I realized I didn't want to be in relationship for some time. As I was about to break it off, I found out he was cheating anyway so I guess the whole process was quicker. (He tried to reel me in back but by that time I was completely in a different mindset and I could see it for what it was).

And that was my last relationship which happened 3 years ago. In the meantime I stopped being lovesick and I am put off by the thought of getting back to dating world.
I feel like I am rebuilding my own life brick by brick and there is 0 energy to try and start something with someone. Maybe because both my experiences were bad, maybe because what I hear from friends and acquaintances relationships it is equally as bad or even worse.

As long as I have good platonic relationships with people around me, I'm fine.

>>4447
literally this

i’ve neither the time nor mind to humiliate myself by gallivanting about market square with a member of the inferior sex and neither should you