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Townhall is scheduled for May 22nd, GMT 2PM.

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No. 97555

I'm wondering how other anons feel about the concept of friendship and if anyone else is considering how necessary it really is.

I'm moving to the other side of the country next year and have decided I'm going to keep in minimal contact with my current friends (like a few phone calls/texts a year) and not really make an effort to make new ones. I just find friendship too emotionally draining and acknowledge I can be rather toxic, so it just seems for the best to keep them at arm's length and avoid new people.

No. 97556

>>97555
I'm pretty apathetic and refuse to put any effort into friendship tbh, been that way for about 7 yrs or so. I've lost so many friends over the years, not because of any drama or fighting, literally just because we lose contact (I don't use SNS). But I figure it's equal, neither of us are really trying that hard with each other, so I don't feel bad for my lack of effort. I see a couple of close friends every few months I guess, whenever I do I'm like 'man I should hang out with them more often', but I rarely feel like the rest of the time. I don't really trust or expect people to like me that much either, so I feel like I shouldn't push too hard to see each other often.

I don't date either, eventually I'm gonna be all alone. I'm 100% fine and happy now because I have my family but I do wonder how I'll deal in the future.

No. 97557

I've got two friends and enjoy their company. We've never been in any fights on anything. I prefer friendships over romantic relationships, most people I know tend to choose one over the other. But imo relationships tend to be more dramatic and are more likely to end. I like friendship because you can choose how intimate you want to be with them, there's less of an obligation. On the other end, I wouldn't want to be entirely alone because I do get lonely sometimes despite being introverted.

No. 97561

>I'm going to keep in minimal contact with my current friends
Just be sure you want to do this before you end up completely isolating yourself which is super easy to do, but very difficult to reverse should you ever start feeling lonely. I dunno how old you are or if you already know, but making and keeping friends in young adulthood is much, much harder than it is during childhood/teenage years.

No. 97565

Lately i’ve realized that’s its very unnecessary. I’ve started doing things by myself and have been let down by some friends recently and have just seen how when you have no friends a lot of stress goes away. Friendships are too much work and the right friends are hard to come by. Sometimes i’m sad i’ll never get to experience the whole best friend thing and i feel like i’m way too old to have the same experiences as people who become friends when they’re younger ( like doing crazy shit and going to parties and sneaking out, etc.) So i don’t really see the point anymore.

No. 97568

>>97555
I have two best friends that have been through so much with me. I feel so lucky and honestly I couldn’t ask for any more. I have a couple acquaintances but I don’t even know how to interact with them because I’m so used to being in a tight inner circle.

No. 97573

>>97555
tbh if I were to do that I know I'll be super depressed. I'm happy by myself but I need to balance alone time and buddy time. It takes some searching to find friends who are no drama.

No. 97574

>>97561
I'm 26 and I've already had times where I only saw or spoke to certain people a handful of times a year and have found our friendships actually do better when that's the case. We appreciate each other more, don't get sick of each other, and don't have to deal with each other's toxic traits hardly at all if ever.

No. 97575

I'm a legitimate autist and my only friends are my husband and my family. I just don't feel like connecting with people is necessary for me.

I know that sounds edgy, but it was a painful realization for me when I discovered how taxing having friendships can be. I went through my teen years desperately trying to be friends with people, but didn't 'get' it.

No. 97577

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I completely secluded myself for the first half of this year until i couldn’t bear it anymore and put my info in a discord thread a couple months ago. Now my only friends are internet ones. I can take my time typing up responses or not feel obligated to talk at all if I’m not in the mood. I don’t have to worry about my social ineptness as much

I do know that i can’t go extremely long periods without human contact. Maybe smaller ones for when i get social burnout though.

No. 97580

Really awful tbh. I could never see my friends again and not be terribly fazed. Too much of an autist to really get it, zero shared interests, and it’s all very tiring to talk and emote and react appropriately.

It’s much easier to see them every few months, smoke some weed, talk shit and then lapse into hermitude for another six months.

No. 97587

tbh this sounds like you don't have any good friends. I'm not gonna speculate wether you're the problem or they're the problem but while friendships can be emotionally draining, good friendships are worh it without hesitation

No. 97588

I have a schizoid personality disorder, so I have little desire to form friendships and I usually say I don't have friends.
My best friend would be my girlfriend whom I currently meet once a week (but I don't think I'll have trouble living with her once we're moving out) and I have a certain social circle of 4 people in addition to that with which I meet maybe once in two months and talk online on rare occasion. That's more than enough social interaction for me and though I do get lonely sometimes, I find the presense of people bothers me more than my loneliness usually, so it's just something you get used to.

No. 97595

I lost my BFF of 8 years and it hurts so bad. We were supposed to be friends together, still enjoying art and and weeaboo shit as old grandmas.
I am desperately trying to come up with a situation that would help me find a new BFF. I have two casual friends but we are not getting on the same wavelengths and our relationship is not really deep. I just want the single best friend to get invested into, the kind that also has other friends, but I am the best and most important one (and vice versa) because we get each other like nobody else…
Like many girls on the website, I am a weirdo into weeaboo (but not mainstream weeaboo) crap with strong radfem tendencies. It's so hard to find someone who's into the same kind of spergy things as I am, especially dolls and figure collecting (I used to meet with local doll community, but found the women very boring and normie… I would keep trying but an abusive ex-friend is responsible for all the meet-ups, so yeah).

To me, the ideal situation in life is to have a loving bf (or gf, if you swing that way) of many years and a one close friend of your gender. I do not really need more. The only downside is that it hurts so bad when they suddenly drop you, but I cannot invest emotionally into more than one relationship of each type.

Also this might be controversial, but from my experience romantic relationship > friendships. In the end, everyone is making decisions based on staying close to their beloved, not some highschool or university friends. Dropping your friends of many years for an asshole boyfriend of a month is a terrible and risky thing to do, but I cannot agree when people say that romantic partners should not be more important than friends.
(to clarify, my single bff4l and a boyfriend absolutely should be treated with same degree of importance, I just mean that you would not ask your friend to move to a different town or country just for you, while most people would do it for their significant other because they are building their life together… sadly, you don't do it with your friends, as they are expected to drift in and out of your life).

No. 97596

No interest in it. I'm not a nasty cold bitch or anything I just prefer my own company (or my husband's) way way way above anyone else. People in workplaces would often try to get me to hang out outside of work and it always made me so uncomfortable. I just really have no interest in making the effort or the inevitable drama or argument that comes with it, and I am completely fine with that and wish I realised it years ago

No. 97597

I'm bad at keeping contact with old friends (like, high school friends) because I don't want to feel like I'm bothering them. I'll still 'like' photos or them on social media, but not… talk to them.

College friends, I have my circle and we have a group to message each other/share memes and shit and it's pretty active. The ones of us that still live relatively close to one another will get together sometimes and go have dinner or see movie or just hang out and talk in person.


But, since graduating college I found it hard to make new friends? Didn't really have ay 'let do things outside work together!' friends at my first job because most of the people there were 15-20 years older than me, so they had families and the like/we didn't always share similar interests. So I would just stay at home and kind of keep to myself.
Now, however, I'm about four months into a new job where people are around my age and they want to go out and do things together on a semi regular basis and it's great. You don't realize how much you miss being with a group of people (in person) until you join one again. It really improves your quality of life, as cheesy as that sounds. But I've personally felt happier to have a group I can go out and have fun with regularly instead of just talking online (don't get me wrong—I love my college friend group. But I'm someone who needs in-person interaction and video chatting doesn't fill that void).

No. 97602

>>97595
Are you me? I lost my bff of 8 years a few years ago and I'm still not over it. This person was my everything and I know I'll never find someone who will ever get me like we got each other. It's already so hard for me to get close to people let alone find someone that I would click with and I crave that type of relationship again. All I need is one best friend and possibly a boyfriend just like you said.

No. 97603

>>97555
It fuels me. I have a big need for social interaction and stimuli. Platonic love is much more important to me than romantic love.

No. 97608

>>97602
>>97595
This is freaking me out because I've been terrified of losing my BFF of 8 years lately. He's been advancing a lot faster than me and seems like he's outgrowing me in general and getting sick of me. He's one of the only people in my life where it would actually break me to lose.

No. 97609

>>97602
I am so sorry anon. I wish there was an easy way to find bffs. Tinder but for friend girls (yes I know someone tried to make this a thing but it didn't take off and certainely not in my country).

I keep having dreams about the bff leaving me and me accusing her of abandoning me.
I lowkey expected this to happen as I met her at a party of a common friend that used to be her best friend (I wanted the 3 of us to be best friends, but it did not work out due to BFF..). Expected, but hoped it was just a dark scenario that would never become real. She had a nasty habit of getting into real strong relationships (platonic and romantic) only to drop the person in question once she found someone new and shiny. One month she was talking about having a baby with her hs bf and the next one she was romancing some indie fag from starbucks coffee (while still being in a relationship with her bf, whom she ended up breaking up for the fag).
If I may ask, why did your friend leave you?

I just want a fellow weirdo, loner friend.

No. 97610

>>97595
>Also this might be controversial, but from my experience romantic relationship > friendships. In the end, everyone is making decisions based on staying close to their beloved, not some highschool or university friends. Dropping your friends of many years for an asshole boyfriend of a month is a terrible and risky thing to do, but I cannot agree when people say that romantic partners should not be more important than friends.
I think the idea that friends should come before serious romantic partners is extremely immature and I take it as a red flag when anyone over 21 actually thinks that.

No. 97613

>>97610
Thank you for saying that and making me feel slightly better… In a lot of feminist communities women preach that (female) friendships are more important than romantic relationships but it just does not translate to real life, sadly.

No. 97618

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>>97574
I'm 26 too and there was a time where I thought I was better off without anyone. A year or so later I woke up one day and realized I had no friends anymore. Even the people I thought would stick around had moved on, and I wasn't really okay with it like I had thought I would be.

To each their own, though. Many people in this thread are saying it works for them, so it could be good for you. All I know is it's been tough for me, especially when I need something like a personal reference or something and I don't have even one person I could ask. On the daily I'm okay, but things like that make me question if it's really such a good idea having no ties to anyone but family members. Good luck with your move, anon.

No. 97619

>>97610
>>97613
Could you elaborate on this? I've always thought that people say this because the majority of romantic relationships don't work out. Of course, it's different if you're serious/married, but if you're just dating it's probably not a good idea for your partner to be your whole life, otherwise you have nothing left if the relationship dissolves.

No. 97626

>>97609
There's Bumble BFF (I think it's called), which is specifically for making friends. I tried it, but even in the big city where I live there were few people using it.

No. 97630

>>97595
>everyone is making decisions based on staying close to their beloved
My best friend of 10 years tends to push me aside for her boyfriends. I get that that's just how it is in adult life, but it kind of hurts when she turns me down to be with some guy she's only known for a couple of months. Especially since I'm her emotional support whenever they break up, it makes me think she's only using me for when she's single and has no one else. What can you do though, I get that some people just need to be validated through romance and sex.

No. 97631

Im 21 and never had a real friend. I was severely bullied since elementary which caused me to have severe anxiety and social retardation. Even the few I did make were so fake I figured why waste my time, money, and energy for this bs.

So I've come to terms with being alone athough i still feel envious when I see groups of girls out together.

No. 97635

>>97630
Sorry, this must suck. I envy her that you are her rock (for obvious reason).

The thing with romance is that you can (and probably most people want) plenty of friends, but your lover is supposed to be The One person in the world that you chose and that chose you despite your faults, who wants to live with, to whom you are irreplacable family.

I realize this might be a very idealistic look at love but this is the desired endgame. How can friendship compare to that? You are just a person whose company they enjoy, often for a time. Even if you are friends forever, you do not share lives the way you do with a lover. As someone who had close female friends but had to wait forever to get a significant other, no amount of care and fun with a friend healed me the way love of my bf does. He was in a pretty similar situation with his friends (but with less support, sadly).

I miss my BFF terribly but losing her was nothing compared to if I lost my bf…

No. 97637

>>97595
Man I was nodding my head all througout your post because I lost my BFF of 7 years recently. But then the thing about romantic partners…

My BFF stopped hanging out with me and most of the time she had skype appointments to talk with her bf and his friends overseas. She said she felt "too anxious" to take a 20min train to visit me but she willingly visits her bf in another continent by herself for two months in a row at least once a year. I called her out on it, about how she never has time for me, even though she knew I was going through a hard time because of depression (and I was the only person she talked to IRL) and she stopped talking to me. Didn't even say anything, just stopped talking to me. Man it feels bad to be replaced by people online…

I guess I am selfish and autistic for feeling like this but she really meant a lot to me, and now I'm alone.

No. 97638

>>97635
I do understand why people value their lovers more. But personally I don't really like spending time with men, friendships are the closest relationships I have. It just makes me sad that as we age and life gets busier our lifestyles get more and more mismatched. It's painful when we finally get together, we can't keep a conversation going for as long as we used to. I respect your outlook on romantic love, but because I do not share it it saddens me that my friend's priorities are different from mine.

Even if someday we cease speaking to each other I think I'll be fine though, I do have another close friend. All I really need is one good friend and my emotional needs are satisfied.

No. 97640

>>97630
ntayrt but my ex best friend of 5 years did this to me every time she had a new love interest but as soon as they were out the picture it was back to calling multiple times a day and always needing me. Before it was great because I thought we were the closest friends. But it kept happening and I realised she never really liked me and she was using as emotional support (she a LOT of friends but none that seem to really care for her well-being). I let her know a few months ago (in angry/bitchy way) and distanced myself, she still wants to be friends which is fine. But I feel so good without her in many ways because she was so stressful. I still sometimes miss her though.

But I think you should let her know (nicely lol) maybe about how you feel? It might make the friendship stronger?

No. 97641

I relate to every single one of you anons in one way or another and I just want to say I love you all. And I honestly think you will find a really good friend - I think we have to be proactive lol and then if the personality doesn't match distance yourself to casual acquaintance and one person who gets and values you will come along. I know easier said than done.

I always have these cute ideas to do with or for a friend and no-one I am close enough to do it for.

No. 97647

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I don't know what is wrong with me when it comes to friends. I'm usually nice without faking it and caring, don't force being funny or an asshole to impress or whatever, avoid gossip and spreading rumors, always offer support when I can and if I do something bad, am rude or get carried away I recognize my mistakes and apologize, but I'm not "funny" or "cool" to be around, I don't drink, tell jokes, am loud. I'm pretty quiet/shy/observer and on the introverted side, always been, I also listen more than talk and never share secrets or anything too personal, I don't do to them what I wouldn't like to be done to me. This doesn't means I'm not assertive or can't say no when needed, I always try to be honest and not a people-pleaser. But even with people I can relate with in terms of personality, it's most of the times a one-sided relationship. I also have been backstabbed by "friends" and since then I have a lot of trust issues.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much from people or am being selfish after all.

I agree >>97641 and I also relate with the previous anons.

No. 97651

I used to be really naiive about friends. I know now who my true friends are and they are my fewest and closest.

I had a very bad experience recently involving a very jealous girlfriend in our friendship circle getting angry that her boyfriend was interested in being my friend and talking to me and as a result she has not only guilt tripped the circle into ostracising me but I've heard some nasty rumors about me, too. A couple of the friends she and the others tried to turn against me have seen through it and stayed by my side but it taught me that any "friend" that could never just come to me and ask me the truth and just add to stupid rumors is bitchy, toxic, and not worth my time.

I used to blame myself for other friend's problems and I'm only now learning how to not. It's hard.

A couple of the girls in that same circle that went behind my back also patronised me about my dead parent too, that really shocked me. I need to stop assuming everyone is as kind or as nice as they seem, but I am thankful that my close friends have never treated me so poorly, one of them actually got angry that this circle of girls even ASSUMED she'd be on their side and said they're being ridiculous and she's the most honest and blunt friend I have.

No. 97652

>>97651

however the friends I've remained close to for years have inspired me and always motivated me to treat myself as well as they treat me, so it's not all bad, I just regret how easy I trust people sometimes and how quick I can be to assume everyone is always fair or trustworthy.

No. 97655

i haven't had friends since i left highschool, maintaining friendships is a lot of effort for very little reward
sometimes i wish i had a cute tight knit group of girlfriends, but i think i only want that for superficial reasons

No. 97663

>>97647
>Maybe I'm just expecting too much
This might be the case, for every close friendship I've had I had to fake my personality a little bit in the beginning. Usually things will be one-sided for a while too. Sometimes you just gotta ask yourself "What kind of person do I think this person will like?" and be that person for a bit until the person lets their guard down and begins to open up and trust you as a friend. If you want to be friends with interesting people you have to make an effort to be interesting as well. When they tell you a secret, tell them one in return, when they make a joke tell them one back, etc.

No. 97667

I just broke up with 2 friends who I've known since high school but I don't feel that guilty about it. I have some other friends from college and traveling but we're not extremely close, and I haven't known them as long as the 2 I just dumped because of bs. I do feel like maintaining friendships can be a lot of work, but I try to stay causal about it. Because of that, I wouldn't say my relationships are very deep. Personally, I'm more private and prefer to keep most of my troubles to myself anyway. The friend I dumped bitched at me for never being "open" but when I called her out on something she did that upset me, she suddenly didn't like me being open. Lol my dad is basically my best friend and I think that's a good thing.

No. 97668

All the close friends I have now are friends I made in middle or high school. I have too hard a time and no motivation to open up to new people and gain that closeness, so I just don't bother. It doesn't help that I've always been pretty introverted and usually like to be alone.
I always find it easier to make friends online too because there isn't that pressure to go out and do things. You can just talk online about stupid shit and that's it.

No. 97687

Similar to the other anon, my two friends from school are almost gone. We just don't have anything in common anymore, we are different people now.. it hurts but it's a pain in the ass to keep dealing with the obvious lack of interest from one of them and the other psychotic emotionally unstable bitch. I'm busy with uni anyways, the psychotic bitch it's just childish, dramatic and pathetic, you give her advice about how to overcome her suicidal thing but she seems to enjoy it lmao. The other one, the gay dude it's just pathetic as well, his life revolves around dick and only validates himself through romantic relationships and sex, has zero selfsteem and it's fake as hell.

I'm only sad for losing my old friends, not the ones they have become

No. 97693

>>97668

>You can just talk online about stupid shit and that's it.


I agree with you it's easier to make friends online but we should always be careful as we never really know who's at the other side of the screen. I'm in a private group of people on discord and a huge narcissistic scumbag we have there shared a private conversation another user had with them, mocking and laughing them about their issues pretty much like a group of mean girls style does.

No. 97776

>>97610
It sucks reading this because when I was about 22 I lost 3 of my closest friends because they banded together against me because I wanted to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Also, I was a student then so I had tons of free time here and there and the amount I attempted to hang out with them/how often I reached out to them to talk didn't even waver when I got in a relationship. I wish I knew this was the norm then instead of thinking I did something wrong.

No. 97797

>>97637
No anon, she's being terrible and you did nothing wrong.

No. 97798

>>97619
Well yeah, pushing your friends aside completely for an SO is shitty and equally immature. But there's a lot of people who can't handle you spending any less time with them to make room for your romantic partner, think they should be able to get away with mistreating them, or unreasonably expect you to put their needs before theirs regardless of how serious the relationship is. I just recently had a friend I hang out with on a weekly basis complain that I turn down invites to hang out if it's on one of my husband's days off.

A more extreme example is my husband lost his best friend years ago when we first started dating because he couldn't stand the fact they were seeing each other every day anymore and he ended up treating me like shit as a result. My husband talked to him about it several times, but things never got better and he eventually had no choice but to drop him. His former friends sees it as "I made him dump him because I didn't like him" when in reality my husband was protecting me from his emotional abuse. I've heard countless similar stories from other people too.

No. 97799

>>97630
>What can you do though, I get that some people just need to be validated through romance and sex.
Right, because what other reasons could there be for prioritizing time with your boyfriend other than needing validation?

Sarcasm aside, how often do you see her when she has a boyfriend compared to when she doesn't? Is it just that she spends less time with you or does she basically disappear from your life?

No. 97804

Some of the replies in this thread are the saddest thing, friends are family levels of importance in my culture. I have quite a few friends, half of them online I meet irl once in a while, and I love them all so much. We see eachother grow and build families, we share our passions, we travel together, and keep eachother up in our worst moments. Friendship is different from romance but not inferior in anyway…my mum and her bff have been close for almost 40 years, they're so cute when they hang around, I hope to achieve that with mine

No. 97808

>>97799
I've dropped female friends because of this. I can't stand it. The good female friends I have can separate their relationship and their friendships. The only people those kind of girls can be friends with are other girls who are the same way. I moved to be with one of my closer girl friends (at the time) and she ended up just completely abandoning me every time for her dumb boyfriend, fell pregnant, and he ended up being fucking crazy. No sympathy from me. I believe to be healthy, you need to have friendships away from just your relationship. I would never throw friendship away for some guy that could probably leave me then guess what? You're left alone.

>>97630
This is definitely not what adult life has to be. There are girls who are actually independent. I will never be friends with someone like this again. It was one of my bigger mistakes in friendship. Now one of my best friend's is married, lives far away from me since I moved, and still makes time to text me. I haven't seen her in a couple years, but seeing her would be like nothing has changed.

A huge lesson I learned is to not let people treat you like shit because "friends". It hurts to admit when people are not actually your friend and have bad intentions, and where I am living now I have no friends left because of this, only long distance ones, but my depression and anxiety got so much better. It's also hard to know what a good friend is, until you've actually experienced one.
Fuck the idea that adult life is boring and nobody hangs out with each other or talks to each other. That's fake, believe me. Find some good friends.

No. 97810

>>97799
Maybe validation was the wrong word. But she has told me the reason why she prioritizes men is basically because they give her more compliments, buy her more things, and do more favors for her than normal friends. Of course, there is the physical aspect that friends can't provide, she values that more as well. To rephrase, it's more of a "I get that she needs attention that I am unable to give her". When I wrote the original post I was pretty bitter though, sorry if I offended anyone with a boyfriend.

To answer your second question, we live together (she rents the upper floor of where I live) so it isn't like I never see her, it's just our interactions are limited to a "hey" and "see ya" when we come and go. She usually has one of her boyfriends with her (she does the polyamory thing) so it's difficult to say anything when they are there. When she breaks up with one of them she likes, she cries on me and asks me to play video games with her all night, and actually wants to go to places with me. It stops when she finds a new love though, usually a week or two later.
>>97808
Thanks anon, I think I just have to accept we can't go back to our school days. I still care for her but she just isn't the type of person that can be independent. I do have another, better friend I can be with who actually puts in an effort to hang out with me so I think I'll be fine even if I continue drifting from her. It's just sad when you remember stuff like making a promise to be best friends forever years ago and it ends up turning out like this.

No. 97815

>>97808
>A huge lesson I learned is to not let people treat you like shit because "friends". It hurts to admit when people are not actually your friend and have bad intentions, and where I am living now I have no friends left because of this, only long distance ones, but my depression and anxiety got so much better. It's also hard to know what a good friend is, until you've actually experienced one.
>Fuck the idea that adult life is boring and nobody hangs out with each other or talks to each other. That's fake, believe me. Find some good friends.

I agree. I also think the whole "we're going to besties forever!!" thing is kinda harmful. It sets you up for a long-shot expectation, because honestly people change and grow in different ways. I've never seen a friendship between two "besties forever" actually last all that long. The strongest friendships I've seen were between people who valued each other, but never made a big deal about the whole BFF thing.

No. 97819

>>97799
Imagine being that bitter and envious of your friends having romantic relationships.

No. 97825

>>97815
This is probably realistic but it makes me sad as fuck.
I do not cut people off easily. I am okay with relationship changing, even being put on hold for some time, but it hurts so bad to just get cut off.
I understand if you suddenly have nothing in common, but to throw the whole history and relationship away because it's not the same and there is a new, shiny friendship on the horizon seems to me like such a waste.

Maybe I expect to much, but why it's not possible to have someone be like sister to you despite not having family in common? Family members grow apart too, but find a way to reconnect.

I think about those few old ladies that managed to stay friends forever…
Another good thing about relationships/marriage, they are supposed to be for life.

No. 97830

>>97819
>t. the person that >>97808 is describing

No. 97832

my closest friend is one of those girls that will warp their entire existence around their boyfriend and has very unhealthy romantic ideals. She took almost a year to leave her previous frankly very douchey bf bc her self esteem was/is on the floor and she believed she couldn't get anything better and preferred to be in an unhappy relationship over being alone for a while until she finds someone better. During that year we got very close and i was so happy i finally had a proper best friend after years of not having one.

then this march she finally broke up with him and barely a week later started dating another dude who honestly is much more sane than the previous bf and actually appreciates her so i was/am quite happy for her. then we didn't meet in person until august despite living a walking distance from each other and me frequently offering to hang out. we still occasionally texted but i could feel her suddenly shifting her interests to mould into the perfect gf for this dude (i'm talking whole aspects of personality). that combined with her basically ghosting me for half a year made me feel so disposable and like being my friend was just something she did to pass time when her life was shit. Now that she has gotten over the initial honeymoon stage we've met up a few times but the knowledge she doesn't even care about me hasn't left. rn we haven't even texted for 2 weeks so idek

i probably should talk this out w her but i am afraid of her getting upset and cutting me out completely as i literally have one other friend besides her and i'm so horrible at making new ones.

No. 97887

I'm married and make sure to see all my friends at least once a month minimum. There's absolutely no excuse for completely abandoning your friends once you have a SO. It basically just means you don't care about them as much as you should.

No. 97894

I was raised by a white trash mom in a white trash town, so I grew up with a lot of white trash friends. When I moved away, it took me 5 years to realize that I wasn’t, and didn’t want to be like them. I aspire to more than talking shit and getting drunk. When I look back on the friends who’ve known me the longest, I remember how often they put us all in dangerous/questionable situations and how when things would inevitably get out of hand, they didn’t watch out for each other, but they seemed to revel in whatever disaster has occurred, as if we were on some reality tv show. People got raped, molested, stabbed, overdosed, abused, and etc. and my friends at the time would make a huge joke of it even when some of those things happened to me. I was friends with disgusting people. I cut them all off, and now, I find myself alone, but so fucking thankful for it. In my case, very few friends are actually worth keeping.

No. 97898

>>97832
>i could feel her suddenly shifting her interests to mould into the perfect gf for this dude (i'm talking whole aspects of personality)

Just my armchair psychologist opinion but this sounds like BPD "mirroring".
Imo it's better to have no friends than shit friends. Maybe see if your other friend can introduce you to more people to expand your social circle.

No. 97915

>>97825
It's not too much to expect, but either you or the other person is just not that great of a friend if bonds can be that easily broken.

but it does take two to tango. Either
> you filled a need at the time, but you just grow apart and you need to recognize and accept that
> they're an asshole with attention whore issues like >>97808 's roommate
> you're just seeing way more than what's actually going on in the friendship

>>97832
That doesn't really sound like a friendship. Just users using each other. She used you to fill the emotional void her issues and shitty ex gave her, and you used her to fill yours.
You would rather bitch online than talk to her about how you feel, and automatically assume she would just cut you off? That's not friendship. Not by a long shot.
Woman up and talk to her like a human being you supposedly care about and value, or let it go.

No. 97921

They're worth it if people put in equal effort. I personally have no irl friends. All internet or convention friends. I was bullied really bad by girls I thought were my friends and they exiled me just after they accepted me back into their life. As a adult I now have people trying to hang out with me outside of work but it makes me uncomfortable. I dunno, if I wanted someone to hang out with me now I'd feel like they wanted something from me and that thing isn't friendship.

No. 97935

>>97915
>you filled a need at the time, but you just grow apart and you need to recognize and accept that

Well, I am aware that this is what happened. I did not realize that this is what was going on because it was so sudden, and she felt that we grew apart (while I had no clue). I did not have trouble accepting it. I did not fight for the relationship, if she does not like or need me anymore, good riddance. It does not mean that I have no right to be hurt about it. Not that I want to be stuck feeling like this, but that's how it probably will be until I find a new close female friend.
Obviously my ex friend did not have this issue as she jumped from me to a new ~soulmate~ straight away.
I wish that she stated it immediately instead of trying to ghost me and bullshitting that ~our relationship is still very important too her even though she needs to cut me out~.
Everyone should do what's best for them, sure, but it does not mean that the other person is not entitled to their feelings about the situation.

To be honest, the whole notion of keeping people close to you, even making idealistic promises and then discarding them as soon as they stop filling a need disturbing and objectifying in a way. It makes me feel like friendship is bullshit most of the time. Fuck, on one hand I want a close female friend, but on the other I do not want to deal with this sudden 'betrayal' (I know it's not, but that's how it feels like, okay?) all over again.

No. 97937

>>97935
you seem super salty anon and there's likely a reason you don't have female friends, and it isn't them.

No. 97938

>>97937
Yes, I am fucked up, though being salty is not the reason why I have trouble finding friends (I do have some female relationships, but they do not fulfill my emotional needs), so you were only halfway right. Keep in mind that you do not know the whole situation and just cause I am sad/bitter about it, does not mean that's how I am usually. It's nice to vent sometimes though, but I will stop with the salt, as I do not want to shit up the thread.

No. 97939

>>97938
this isn't a vent thread. and you sound super cringy.

No. 97940

>>97939
Thank you for your valuable perspective.

No. 98073

I'm not really interested, I have friends but I prefer my own company most of all. I'd happily seclude myself for the rest of my life as long as I had internet access.

No. 98097

I spend most of my time just hanging out with my husband. If I could find someone who's really cool and shares a lot of my interests and actually wants to be friends id be all for it but most friendships are a waste of time just like romantic relationships are.
I used to feel bad for flaking on people but I realized that all relationships are two way streets and I don't have any obligation to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't do the same for me.
I kinda wish I knew how to make online friends because I move around a lot and most of my peers are significantly older than me but I'm too scared of internet weirdos and I hate putting myself out there tbh. I'm not even close with the people I've known online for 8+ years.

No. 98109

>>98073
I've recently been feeling the same, unfortunately. I still have one close female friend whom I met in high school and often chat with on the internet, but we rarely meet these days. I made a few attempts at making new friends, even if just online, but unfortunately, they all seem to have pretty much failed (or they've moved from friends to acquaintances I barely talk to and I'm always the one who initiates conversations, which isn't very rewarding to be honest, it makes me feel like I'm bothering them and they're just obligated to respond). I think all the emotional and mental effort is not worth it anymore, if most people end up disappointing you anyway.

No. 98197

>>98097
Tbh you sound a lot like me, I'm >>97596

If someone was into the same stuff as me and genuinely laid back then itd be cool but I hate any prospect of drama

No. 104555

I didn't know whether to make a separate thread for this but dealing with ex friends or people you thought were your friends but they ended up being toxic or ostracising you?

No. 104632

File: 1546462610077.jpg (12.92 KB, 236x236, d0a30f3f40b59e0005a4a39a87fc4f…)

I'm part of a very tight group of 8 friends (if you count one girl's bf of 3 years who is also very close to us).
It probably seems like a lot, esp seeing some posts on this thread but we grew up together for the most part (some have known each other since Elementary, others from Junior high and we are all 19-20)
We've all been through some shit to different extents but we've always accepted and helped each other bc we were all "outcasts". The funny thing is that despite being 8 we're all very introverted. I guess it explains why we managed to stay close throughout the years, as we weren't too keen on meeting other people. We've had a group chat since 2013-2014 and it helps us stay in touch despite some being at the other side of the country for their studies or whatever. Not everyone interacts the same amount of course, but the shitposting keeps it going, and it's always nice to see small updates from everyone from time to time. It has never felt forced or anything. It sure is somewhat of a comfort zone, even though we are able to make some new friends outside too, but the core has remained the same for years (and will hopefully stay that way for many more).
As we've all been insulted, mocked when we were younger, the group became our rock.
I try to help them as much as I can, and send them love when they're down. We also have the same weeby interests and somewhat similar music tastes so it's even better. We lift each other to become better people , and tell them when they're doing wrong things. Feeling very very lucky and I'd wish something like this to everyone.

tldr : group of 8 friends, since childhood/preteens, got together by being outcasts/rejects and never lost contact despite distance and bad stuff. When we see each other it's just very natural and comfy, like it was meant to be. Very grateful.

No. 104638

File: 1546468389646.gif (342.22 KB, 500x280, giphy (3).gif)

My two best friends are so amazing. And I think it took me moving away from them for me to realize just how much I would miss their irl company. Thankfully, I moved back to start college (long story) I even live with my best friend of 7 years, her parents see me as part of the family lol. I was so lonely last New Years but this time my friend brought her switch over and we all played smash and made pizzas, she even taught me how to play yugioh since she's really into it right now. I'm just so happy to be able to hang out with them again.

No. 136766

How does one reconnect with a friend you had years ago?

I don't know how to go about this. The person I've considered my best friend since elementary school. We stayed friends up until middle school but then got put into diffrent class groups and kind of…just dirfted apart. There wasn't any fight or anything we just didn't see each other as often anymore. Eventually we went to diffrent schools and she moved away. I keep having dreams that were together again and it feels like old times. I think I subconsciously want to reconnect with her but I'm too afraid of what to say. I know we live in an era of social media and theoretcally it should be easier than ever to find her but I haven't used any social media in years. It feels difficult because what do you even say to catch up with someone you haven't seen in years? What if we grew into different people? Has she even thought about me?

No. 136767

I've spent so much time and effort on my friends, including times where I was the only one who showed up to events such as graduation and birthdays and whatnot, they barely even hit me up, treat me like a stranger, and insult me now that I'm successful. People suck.

No. 136822

I only regularly talk to my bf and an online friend. I don't like making friends I feel like they're using me if they're guys most of the time, or I feel like they're just going to leave me. I have some pretty bad abandonment issues and my old best friends lying to me and stabbing me in the back really ruined the whole friendship thing.

No. 136852

>>136766
Oldfag here, you can't go wrong trying to reconnect with old friends.

>How does one reconnect with a friend you had years ago?

Just call/message her. Keep it simple.

>It feels difficult because what do you even say to catch up with someone you haven't seen in years?

"Hey, I was thinking about you and wondering what you've been up to since we've last seen each other ages ago. How's life been treating you?"

>What if we grew into different people?

You probably have. It will be fun getting to know each other again.

>Has she even thought about me?

Yes! And she'll be thrilled to find out you've been thinking about her too.

Even if after reconnecting you realize you've grown too far apart to maintain an active friendship now, people from your childhood will always have a special place in your life and that kind of bond is worth keeping, even if it's just wishing them a happy birthday each year.

No. 136870

I value friendship greatly and will remain loyal even after I drift apart from people. For me it's a matter of principle, almost. I don't stop feeling love for people, they become part of me. I'll usually dedicate a lot of time to them and do not mind staying up late, traveling long hours etc to spend time with them. Most of my friends have not been interested in reciprocating but that isn't for me to whine about. If it gets to me, I either confront them or cut them off. I'm pretty clear with my boundaries. I still feel love for those I let go, though.

I don't make an effort to make new friends tbh. People tend to be interested in befriending me and I like giving people attention if they initiate a conversation.

>>136766
I'd say just be honest and direct, but that's just how I go about everything. I've gotten nothing but honesty back from people I've been clear towards. If you do not want to "catch up" but rather just start being friends again, you can always just say so. You never ever have to conform to what you think one would expect from an interaction. It might catch them off guard but who cares.

No. 136895

i gave up on having friends in high school and even though my mental issues were due to family stuff, having flimsy friendships would have been good for me. Even if I never asked for emotional support, it would've been better for me.

So yea, it's necessary to me. Growing up and realizing not all friendships have to be fucking deep and some friends you might just go out and see a movie with is good. Though I do wish I had a couple very strong female friendships, preferably with women of similar backgrounds. Current friend group is wholesome but has both men and women (we're all slight autists so it's fine) but god I just want to be tight with slightly shitty women like myself.

No. 136926

Ugh this cut me deep. Can relate so much to what a lot of people are saying.
I kind of lost touch with my 2 oldest friends while I was in an emotionally abusive relationship because every time I met up with them I’d get accused of cheating. I ended up only contacting them when I had a fight with my ex and they quite reasonably got fed up with this. This happened over 3 years and I always apologised for being a bad friend but I don’t think they realised what he was doing to me, mainly because I didn’t until we broke up and I realised a few months later how fucked that relationship really was. I never told them anything in fear ‘karma’ would strike somehow and he would break up with me, and by the time I had a chance to reflect after the break up, the distance between us had grown so big I felt guilty and too afraid to reconnect.
I lost touch with a few other people too so in the end I eventually decided to move away after meeting someone else.
I’ve been here 2 years now and I have not made one single friend, I’m so scarred by what happened I just cannot click with anyone and suffer with social anxiety.
Luckily I am introverted so although I get upset sometimes, I genuinely enjoy being alone.

No. 136931

>>104638
Wow this is my post from last year! Still living with my friend and her family. We’re moving out together though in a few months cause she got accepted to the school she wanted. My other BFF has moved away but we still message each other every so often and go to conventions together. I’m really thankful to have them as my friends!



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