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I'm pretty apathetic and refuse to put any effort into friendship tbh, been that way for about 7 yrs or so. I've lost so many friends over the years, not because of any drama or fighting, literally just because we lose contact (I don't use SNS). But I figure it's equal, neither of us are really trying that hard with each other, so I don't feel bad for my lack of effort. I see a couple of close friends every few months I guess, whenever I do I'm like 'man I should hang out with them more often', but I rarely feel like the rest of the time. I don't really trust or expect people to like me that much either, so I feel like I shouldn't push too hard to see each other often.
I don't date either, eventually I'm gonna be all alone. I'm 100% fine and happy now because I have my family but I do wonder how I'll deal in the future.
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I completely secluded myself for the first half of this year until i couldn’t bear it anymore and put my info in a discord thread a couple months ago. Now my only friends are internet ones. I can take my time typing up responses or not feel obligated to talk at all if I’m not in the mood. I don’t have to worry about my social ineptness as much
I do know that i can’t go extremely long periods without human contact. Maybe smaller ones for when i get social burnout though.
I lost my BFF of 8 years and it hurts so bad. We were supposed to be friends together, still enjoying art and and weeaboo shit as old grandmas.
I am desperately trying to come up with a situation that would help me find a new BFF. I have two casual friends but we are not getting on the same wavelengths and our relationship is not really deep. I just want the single best friend to get invested into, the kind that also has other friends, but I am the best and most important one (and vice versa) because we get each other like nobody else…
Like many girls on the website, I am a weirdo into weeaboo (but not mainstream weeaboo) crap with strong radfem tendencies. It's so hard to find someone who's into the same kind of spergy things as I am, especially dolls and figure collecting (I used to meet with local doll community, but found the women very boring and normie… I would keep trying but an abusive ex-friend is responsible for all the meet-ups, so yeah).
To me, the ideal situation in life is to have a loving bf (or gf, if you swing that way) of many years and a one close friend of your gender. I do not really need more. The only downside is that it hurts so bad when they suddenly drop you, but I cannot invest emotionally into more than one relationship of each type.
Also this might be controversial, but from my experience romantic relationship > friendships. In the end, everyone is making decisions based on staying close to their beloved, not some highschool or university friends. Dropping your friends of many years for an asshole boyfriend of a month is a terrible and risky thing to do, but I cannot agree when people say that romantic partners should not be more important than friends.
(to clarify, my single bff4l and a boyfriend absolutely should be treated with same degree of importance, I just mean that you would not ask your friend to move to a different town or country just for you, while most people would do it for their significant other because they are building their life together… sadly, you don't do it with your friends, as they are expected to drift in and out of your life).
I am so sorry anon. I wish there was an easy way to find bffs. Tinder but for friend girls (yes I know someone tried to make this a thing but it didn't take off and certainely not in my country).
I keep having dreams about the bff leaving me and me accusing her of abandoning me.
I lowkey expected this to happen as I met her at a party of a common friend that used to be her best friend (I wanted the 3 of us to be best friends, but it did not work out due to BFF..). Expected, but hoped it was just a dark scenario that would never become real. She had a nasty habit of getting into real strong relationships (platonic and romantic) only to drop the person in question once she found someone new and shiny. One month she was talking about having a baby with her hs bf and the next one she was romancing some indie fag from starbucks coffee (while still being in a relationship with her bf, whom she ended up breaking up for the fag).
If I may ask, why did your friend leave you?
I just want a fellow weirdo, loner friend.
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I'm 26 too and there was a time where I thought I was better off without anyone. A year or so later I woke up one day and realized I had no friends anymore. Even the people I thought would stick around had moved on, and I wasn't really okay with it like I had thought I would be.
To each their own, though. Many people in this thread are saying it works for them, so it could be good for you. All I know is it's been tough for me, especially when I need something like a personal reference or something and I don't have even one person I could ask. On the daily I'm okay, but things like that make me question if it's really such a good idea having no ties to anyone but family members. Good luck with your move, anon.
Sorry, this must suck. I envy her that you are her rock (for obvious reason).
The thing with romance is that you can (and probably most people want) plenty of friends, but your lover is supposed to be The One person in the world that you chose and that chose you despite your faults, who wants to live with, to whom you are irreplacable family.
I realize this might be a very idealistic look at love but this is the desired endgame. How can friendship compare to that? You are just a person whose company they enjoy, often for a time. Even if you are friends forever, you do not share lives the way you do with a lover. As someone who had close female friends but had to wait forever to get a significant other, no amount of care and fun with a friend healed me the way love of my bf does. He was in a pretty similar situation with his friends (but with less support, sadly).
I miss my BFF terribly but losing her was nothing compared to if I lost my bf…
Man I was nodding my head all througout your post because I lost my BFF of 7 years recently. But then the thing about romantic partners…
My BFF stopped hanging out with me and most of the time she had skype appointments to talk with her bf and his friends overseas. She said she felt "too anxious" to take a 20min train to visit me but she willingly visits her bf in another continent by herself for two months in a row at least once a year. I called her out on it, about how she never has time for me, even though she knew I was going through a hard time because of depression (and I was the only person she talked to IRL) and she stopped talking to me. Didn't even say anything, just stopped talking to me. Man it feels bad to be replaced by people online…
I guess I am selfish and autistic for feeling like this but she really meant a lot to me, and now I'm alone.
I do understand why people value their lovers more. But personally I don't really like spending time with men, friendships are the closest relationships I have. It just makes me sad that as we age and life gets busier our lifestyles get more and more mismatched. It's painful when we finally get together, we can't keep a conversation going for as long as we used to. I respect your outlook on romantic love, but because I do not share it it saddens me that my friend's priorities are different from mine.
Even if someday we cease speaking to each other I think I'll be fine though, I do have another close friend. All I really need is one good friend and my emotional needs are satisfied.
ntayrt but my ex best friend of 5 years did this to me every time she had a new love interest but as soon as they were out the picture it was back to calling multiple times a day and always needing me. Before it was great because I thought we were the closest friends. But it kept happening and I realised she never really liked me and she was using as emotional support (she a LOT of friends but none that seem to really care for her well-being). I let her know a few months ago (in angry/bitchy way) and distanced myself, she still wants to be friends which is fine. But I feel so good without her in many ways because she was so stressful. I still sometimes miss her though.
But I think you should let her know (nicely lol) maybe about how you feel? It might make the friendship stronger?
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I don't know what is wrong with me when it comes to friends. I'm usually nice without faking it and caring, don't force being funny or an asshole to impress or whatever, avoid gossip and spreading rumors, always offer support when I can and if I do something bad, am rude or get carried away I recognize my mistakes and apologize, but I'm not "funny" or "cool" to be around, I don't drink, tell jokes, am loud. I'm pretty quiet/shy/observer and on the introverted side, always been, I also listen more than talk and never share secrets or anything too personal, I don't do to them what I wouldn't like to be done to me. This doesn't means I'm not assertive or can't say no when needed, I always try to be honest and not a people-pleaser. But even with people I can relate with in terms of personality, it's most of the times a one-sided relationship. I also have been backstabbed by "friends" and since then I have a lot of trust issues.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much from people or am being selfish after all.
I agree >>97641
and I also relate with the previous anons.
>You can just talk online about stupid shit and that's it.
I agree with you it's easier to make friends online but we should always be careful as we never really know who's at the other side of the screen. I'm in a private group of people on discord and a huge narcissistic scumbag we have there shared a private conversation another user had with them, mocking and laughing them about their issues pretty much like a group of mean girls
Well yeah, pushing your friends aside completely for an SO is shitty and equally immature. But there's a lot of people who can't handle you spending any less time with them to make room for your romantic partner, think they should be able to get away with mistreating them, or unreasonably expect you to put their needs before theirs regardless of how serious the relationship is. I just recently had a friend I hang out with on a weekly basis complain that I turn down invites to hang out if it's on one of my husband's days off.
A more extreme example is my husband lost his best friend years ago when we first started dating because he couldn't stand the fact they were seeing each other every day anymore and he ended up treating me like shit as a result. My husband talked to him about it several times, but things never got better and he eventually had no choice but to drop him. His former friends sees it as "I made him dump him because I didn't like him" when in reality my husband was protecting me from his emotional abuse. I've heard countless similar stories from other people too.
>>97630>What can you do though, I get that some people just need to be validated through romance and sex.
Right, because what other reasons could there be for prioritizing time with your boyfriend other than needing validation?
Sarcasm aside, how often do you see her when she has a boyfriend compared to when she doesn't? Is it just that she spends less time with you or does she basically disappear from your life?
I've dropped female friends because of this. I can't stand it. The good female friends I have can separate their relationship and their friendships. The only people those kind of girls can be friends with are other girls who are the same way. I moved to be with one of my closer girl friends (at the time) and she ended up just completely abandoning me every time for her dumb boyfriend, fell pregnant, and he ended up being fucking crazy. No sympathy from me. I believe to be healthy, you need to have friendships away from just your relationship. I would never throw friendship away for some guy that could probably leave me then guess what? You're left alone.>>97630
This is definitely not what adult life has to be. There are girls who are actually independent. I will never be friends with someone like this again. It was one of my bigger mistakes in friendship. Now one of my best friend's is married, lives far away from me since I moved, and still makes time to text me. I haven't seen her in a couple years, but seeing her would be like nothing has changed.
A huge lesson I learned is to not let people treat you like shit because "friends". It hurts to admit when people are not actually your friend and have bad intentions, and where I am living now I have no friends left because of this, only long distance ones, but my depression and anxiety got so much better. It's also hard to know what a good
friend is, until you've actually experienced one.
Fuck the idea that adult life is boring and nobody hangs out with each other or talks to each other. That's fake, believe me. Find some good friends.
Maybe validation was the wrong word. But she has told me the reason why she prioritizes men is basically because they give her more compliments, buy her more things, and do more favors for her than normal friends. Of course, there is the physical aspect that friends can't provide, she values that more as well. To rephrase, it's more of a "I get that she needs attention that I am unable to give her". When I wrote the original post I was pretty bitter though, sorry if I offended anyone with a boyfriend.
To answer your second question, we live together (she rents the upper floor of where I live) so it isn't like I never see her, it's just our interactions are limited to a "hey" and "see ya" when we come and go. She usually has one of her boyfriends with her (she does the polyamory thing) so it's difficult to say anything when they are there. When she breaks up with one of them she likes, she cries on me and asks me to play video games with her all night, and actually wants to go to places with me. It stops when she finds a new love though, usually a week or two later.>>97808
Thanks anon, I think I just have to accept we can't go back to our school days. I still care for her but she just isn't the type of person that can be independent. I do have another, better friend I can be with who actually puts in an effort to hang out with me so I think I'll be fine even if I continue drifting from her. It's just sad when you remember stuff like making a promise to be best friends forever years ago and it ends up turning out like this.
This is probably realistic but it makes me sad as fuck.
I do not cut people off easily. I am okay with relationship changing, even being put on hold for some time, but it hurts so bad to just get cut off.
I understand if you suddenly have nothing in common, but to throw the whole history and relationship away because it's not the same and there is a new, shiny friendship on the horizon seems to me like such a waste.
Maybe I expect to much, but why it's not possible to have someone be like sister to you despite not having family in common? Family members grow apart too, but find a way to reconnect.
I think about those few old ladies that managed to stay friends forever…
Another good thing about relationships/marriage, they are supposed to be for life.
I was raised by a white trash mom in a white trash town, so I grew up with a lot of white trash friends. When I moved away, it took me 5 years to realize that I wasn’t, and didn’t want to be like them. I aspire to more than talking shit and getting drunk. When I look back on the friends who’ve known me the longest, I remember how often they put us all in dangerous/questionable situations and how when things would inevitably get out of hand, they didn’t watch out for each other, but they seemed to revel in whatever disaster has occurred, as if we were on some reality tv show. People got raped, molested, stabbed, overdosed, abused, and etc. and my friends at the time would make a huge joke of it even when some of those things happened to me. I was friends with disgusting people. I cut them all off, and now, I find myself alone, but so fucking thankful for it. In my case, very few friends are actually worth keeping.
>>97832>i could feel her suddenly shifting her interests to mould into the perfect gf for this dude (i'm talking whole aspects of personality)
Just my armchair psychologist opinion but this sounds like BPD "mirroring".
Imo it's better to have no friends than shit friends. Maybe see if your other friend can introduce you to more people to expand your social circle.
It's not too much to expect, but either you or the other person is just not that great of a friend if bonds can be that easily broken.
but it does take two to tango. Either> you filled a need at the time, but you just grow apart and you need to recognize and accept that> they're an asshole with attention whore issues like >>97808 's roommate> you're just seeing way more than what's actually going on in the friendship>>97832
That doesn't really sound like a friendship. Just users using each other. She used you to fill the emotional void her issues and shitty ex gave her, and you used her to fill yours.
You would rather bitch online than talk to her about how you feel, and automatically assume she would just cut you off? That's not friendship. Not by a long shot.
Woman up and talk to her like a human being you supposedly care about and value, or let it go.
>>97915>you filled a need at the time, but you just grow apart and you need to recognize and accept that
Well, I am aware that this is what happened. I did not realize that this is what was going on because it was so sudden, and she felt that we grew apart (while I had no clue). I did not have trouble accepting it. I did not fight for the relationship, if she does not like or need me anymore, good riddance. It does not mean that I have no right to be hurt about it. Not that I want to be stuck feeling like this, but that's how it probably will be until I find a new close female friend.
Obviously my ex friend did not have this issue as she jumped from me to a new ~soulmate~ straight away.
I wish that she stated it immediately instead of trying to ghost me and bullshitting that ~our relationship is still very important too her even though she needs to cut me out~.
Everyone should do what's best for them, sure, but it does not mean that the other person is not entitled to their feelings about the situation.
To be honest, the whole notion of keeping people close to you, even making idealistic promises and then discarding them as soon as they stop filling a need disturbing and objectifying in a way. It makes me feel like friendship is bullshit most of the time. Fuck, on one hand I want a close female friend, but on the other I do not want to deal with this sudden 'betrayal' (I know it's not, but that's how it feels like, okay?) all over again.
Tbh you sound a lot like me, I'm >>97596
If someone was into the same stuff as me and genuinely laid back then itd be cool but I hate any prospect of drama
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I'm part of a very tight group of 8 friends (if you count one girl's bf of 3 years who is also very close to us).
It probably seems like a lot, esp seeing some posts on this thread but we grew up together for the most part (some have known each other since Elementary, others from Junior high and we are all 19-20)
We've all been through some shit to different extents but we've always accepted and helped each other bc we were all "outcasts". The funny thing is that despite being 8 we're all very introverted. I guess it explains why we managed to stay close throughout the years, as we weren't too keen on meeting other people. We've had a group chat since 2013-2014 and it helps us stay in touch despite some being at the other side of the country for their studies or whatever. Not everyone interacts the same amount of course, but the shitposting keeps it going, and it's always nice to see small updates from everyone from time to time. It has never felt forced or anything. It sure is somewhat of a comfort zone, even though we are able to make some new friends outside too, but the core has remained the same for years (and will hopefully stay that way for many more).
As we've all been insulted, mocked when we were younger, the group became our rock.
I try to help them as much as I can, and send them love when they're down. We also have the same weeby interests and somewhat similar music tastes so it's even better. We lift each other to become better people , and tell them when they're doing wrong things. Feeling very very lucky and I'd wish something like this to everyone.
tldr : group of 8 friends, since childhood/preteens, got together by being outcasts/rejects and never lost contact despite distance and bad stuff. When we see each other it's just very natural and comfy, like it was meant to be. Very grateful.
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My two best friends are so amazing. And I think it took me moving away from them for me to realize just how much I would miss their irl company. Thankfully, I moved back to start college (long story) I even live with my best friend of 7 years, her parents see me as part of the family lol. I was so lonely last New Years but this time my friend brought her switch over and we all played smash and made pizzas, she even taught me how to play yugioh since she's really into it right now. I'm just so happy to be able to hang out with them again.