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Second time writing this, my phone crashed.
Before meeting: If he tries to get your phone number within the first few messages(this includes suggesting using apps that require phone number to be used) he just wants sex. Example: "I don't like this app why don't we move to Phone_number_app_which_allows_them_to_send_you_dikk_pics"
Stay on the app.
If he spams you with message and won't leave you alone, he it rapey do not give him benefit of the doubt even if he seems nice. It's impossible he has got that attached to you after only just meeting online a few days ago, this is called lovebombing and is a sociopath tactic. Do not let him make you feel guilty for talking to other guys or not replying immediately. Example: Guy acts sad because you didn't reply for 2 hours. Grills you about where you were. Grills you about other guys you've mentioned. Asks for too many details about your life (that he can't care about). Makes proclamations of dedication or of how perfect you are. All impossible decisions in such small time.
Guys who push to meet only at specific times that suit them, or message out of nowhere with a meeting suggestion that is only a few hours away. He has put no effort to negotiate even the first stage, guaranteed rapey and probably a jerk too (never met these types)
Example: "How about Wednesday at 7pm?" (sent on Monday out of nowhere) Rather than leading up to that by scoping out common interests and making sure you are available, he expects you to turn up at his whim. If you suggest different times or say you are not available at his whim this type of guy usually takes offense.
Send you a dick pic before meeting? Rapey
Talks to you about sex during the first meeting? Rapey
Kisses you a LOT on your first dates? Rapey
You want a guy who sends you the amount of messages you are comfortable with. Works within your boundaries. Does not push to meet. Is open about his character. Does not talk badly of women, including exes or women he rejected (this includes insulting them to praise you. This type of guy hates women and will go far to pretend he loves them, but acts out of hate)
Even if you just want a hook up, knowing where each other stand, not being pressured, trusting are all very important. If he pushes your boundaries at any point, online or in real life, these are traits of rapey dudes, which unfortunately makes up the bulk of men. Doesn't mean they're gonna be violent but they are likely to do things you are uncomfortable with or push for sex very early on, especially full-service porn star sex. Guys who have had long term girlfriends before TEND to be a little better on not being rapey and actually listening to women, so don't be put off by that. Just vet 'em carefully and pay attention. Also don't let yourself get drunk on dates.
Also some of these guys still have girlfriends or wives so be aware of that when you start dating. If they are friends with/mention/live with ex or say they are separated or want to separate, those thing are all lies.
is absolutely wrong about everything and has no idea what she's talking about.
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Semi-related to online dating, but for any overly-paranoid anons sending lewd photos:
>never show your face in them
>hide identifiers, like tattoos or moles, either using angles or blurring apps
>take them in nondescript backgrounds, like a white wall, or just blur out the background with a blur tool. your bedroom could be considered an identifier
Or just don’t take lewd photos or send them to people you don’t fully trust. Pls no bully, i just want to share my x-treme stealth tips
see, this is fucking reasonable, you didn't try to create weird scenarios like >>93990
that clearly that anon has experienced in the past.
OP wasn't even asking about how to talk to people on the apps, but how to keep herself safe afterwards.
your anecdotes may not be wrong but they are anecdotes. only two of those things are valid at all and the rest are you being paranoid/meeting people who were likely shitty otherwise.
i likely have more experience than you do, and you didn't even give anon any examples of what to look for on dates, like guys who order for you, or won't let you pay part of the check. that's much more serious that people who ask for phone numbers because apps are fucking annoying to use, or people who want to meet up without "getting to know you first". that last shit takes the cake, many people, including myself hate talking over texts and just want to get coffee or something and chat in person somewhere public and safe, to feel out body language and talk about things.
your advice was trash, get over it.
Why would ordering for you or paying for you be relevant here? Might be a cultural clash but where I'm from no guys truly want to pay for you. If a guy wants or insists on paying then he is probably a little aggressive, sure. My points are about avoiding obvious signs before you meet. If you want to waste time meeting unsuitable guys then meet them the next day, or that day, after five messages, but for some people they don't have the time to waste.
Shitty guys tend to all do the same things. I listed them. If people want to waste their time and ignore those things, they can.
I think anon is being contextual. It's hard to tell over cues over the internet is an act aggressive or unintentional.
Meanwhile in real life, if you meet someone during the day at a public place - chances are you're gonna be safe.
Figuring out if an individual is threatening is the easiest irl. I agree with anon on that. If he acts off in ways that assert dominance or try to make you feel like you owe him something, that's an actual cue that something is wrong.
I agree with anon,
>if he insists on paying and doesn't let you pay no matter what
You can only insist on paying as a man if you have manners in other ways too, aka if he opens doors, draws out a chair for you etc… Then him not letting you pay is a part of a bigger picture.
>if he orders for you and doesn't let you choose what you want
That's being controlling and a huge red flag, I agree.
But to come back to your point, If there are obvious cues that the dude is a creep - jump on the cue and don't meet up. If he talks weird shit and your spidey senses tingle, trust them.
The general rule of the thumb is, for me personally;>if he believes sexually promiscuous women are evil, calls others snowflakes and wants to return to traditional values and marry a virgin - it's a long way of saying he has an odd shaped penis
>if he makes long demands about women being this and that, he will never see you as anything else but an object
>has a van, white heterosexual screeching how white men are the most oppressed in the world, conservative, and lives with his mum - HE'S THE KILLER, RUN BITCH RUN!
Your last three examples cover a lot of the most vocal ones online these days. Absolutely agree, don't even humor them.
In real life >Do not get into a private vehicle (car, taxi) with him on the first date especially if he is choosing where it goes.>Don't meet at weird locations like a boat, a park, or somewhere obscure or unfamiliar to you>Make sure people know where you went. Tell them a little about the guy too.>Make sure he sees you taking pictures and updating your friends on how it's going and where you are. If he gets annoyed it's a good sign he's a creep>If his friends come up to you during the date or he keeps disappearing to take/make calls this can be dodgy (could be planning on doing something to you, obviously context is important here)>virgin types often try and do all the sex things at once and don't understand consent. To them talking about a topic is consent to doing that thing. Or just being alone with them. >Do not be alone with a new guy for anything>If he tells lies about age, job, contact details do not trust. He wants to be untraceable which is a bad sign for you
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tbh talking to someone for a month before meeting them seems like a giant red flag to me
I've heard it said before and in my experience it's only ever been proven to be true time and time again: texting/messaging creates a false sense of intimacy. If it seems like there's a spark with someone, just fucking go get coffee with them or something. The worst feeling is spending a ton time talking to someone online, building up an image of them in your head….only to meet them in person and find they're a real dud. It saves on feelings too, for both parties. It's much easier to end things with someone if you haven't invested a ton of time and emotion into them.
But anyways, here's what I'd recommend:>Go with your gut. If it feels bad, leave. Apologize later if you have to.>Don't drink/smoke/whatever too much. Stay sober enough to be aware, until you feel comfortable.>If you're worried about it, give your friends info about the date. You could even set it up so that if you text them something, they call you and say they have an emergency, giving you an out.>Establish a time limit if you can. I would go as far as to say make the plans, and then when you get there establish. I'll usually say something like "I'm babysitting my niece today, so I just need to head out by 4". If the date sucks, you have your our. If it's going well, you can say "oh, they just canceled on me so I can stay longer after all!". Don't say like "let's get coffee but I only have until 4" when making the plans, because then they'll just say "oh well let's just wait until you don't have any plans at all!">Not advice, but I really enjoy Nicole Byer's podcast "Why Won't You Date Me?". She's super funny and doesn't hold back anything about her dating life. (The show started with her interviewing people she dated/hooked up with to find out why they didn't want to date her. When she ran out of people she switched to friends/comedians critiquing her dating profiles)
Best first date is a daytime thing in public. Lunch, coffee, or a fun activity. I find the dude mentioning making out, or anything sexual prior to, to be a red flag (if that's not what you're looking for). The thing about not chatting too much online because it creates false intimacy is true. Know your limits when it comes to drinking. In my area dudes often suggest going for drinks, it's not 100% a red flag to me, but you have to see how he behaves like constantly asking if u want more or something. I have a decent tolerance and will have 1 or 2 weak drinks, where 2 is if things are going really well. Be selective. There is nothing wrong with having standards. And there is nothing wrong with having to go through several dudes before finding one that's alright enough for a second date. There are plenty of dicks in the sea, no point in settling for less.
No matter what, accept that you're assuming a bit of risk when meeting dudes from online. There is no 100% surefire way to avoid a weirdo or worse, so take precautions that make sense for you. Letting people know where you are, giving yourself an out like other anons have mentioned, and TRUST YOUR GUT. If any man makes you feel even the slightest bit off, cancel that shit.
t. I'm somehow really good at vetting dudes and have never been on a bad/scary date with a weirdo or worse.
To piggy back off of what this anon said. I'd go as far to get a friend or family member to follow you guys just to make sure you're safe.
For an example:
You guys go to a restaurant, so have the friend/family member wait outside outside in the car while you're there. (Obviously not super obvious like, but close enough so that you know that they're there and not too close that the date would be aware of them)
This seems OTT but depending on where you are, like if you are in a smallish town that isn't busy, it might be a good idea.
Lunch/afternoon dates are good ideas >>94649
Guys seem very different in a night-out/club environment compared to lunch or afternoon. Same as in a crowd versus alone. Seeing how he interacts with others (smugness, rudeness, or avoidance) is a good thing to keep an eye on. >>94170
This is true, sorry about your experience Anon.