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>>77101>No public social media accounts>Doesn't side with you in an argument
everything else is ok but really? this is stupid.
Keep in mind that even though I use the "he" pronoun for the sake of convenience, plenty of these flags apply to women as well. >Gets way too close way too soon, might share TMI stuff unexpectedly. In worst cases, starts saying stuff like "when we get kids" 2 weeks into dating or pressuring you onto moving in with him.>Gets explosively angry for a trivial reason and goes from 0 to 100 in a second, then apologizes profusely and claims he was "just having a bad day". It's not just "a bad day", that's what he's going to be like and it's only going to get worse.>He's just gotten out of a relationship and is excessively clingy and/or moving too fast - there's probably a reason the relationship ended and he's looking for a fast band-aid to put on his wounded pride.>He's a dishrag, doesn't have a will of his own and he submits to everything you say or want. Never discusses anything, never has an opinion. He's probably gathering up bitterness and silent resentment towards you and ends up cheating/leaving out of nowhere.>He "jokingly" makes fun of you or something important to you and is offended when your feelings get hurt. Instead of "Sorry, I didn't mean it" he says "Come on, it's just a joke".>He complains, complains, complains and complains. Everything sucks. He's always negative about EVERYTHING. >He always tells half-truths or "little white lies". He's definitely hiding bigger things too. He might also project his habit onto you, such as accusing you of lying because that's something he would lie about.>>77101>•One is he has no close male friends. This may not be because he's a sweet nerd, but because other men can see he's a sociopath and want nothing to do with him.
This is honestly a huge red flag and a surprising amount of people ignore it. The worst guys I've met have always been loners without male friends because they've driven them away by toxic, sociopathic behavior. Bonus if they come up with shakey excuses as to why they're always alone ("I just prefer my own company", "I'm an introvert I guess", "Other people just don't get me" etc). They might have a wide array of acquaintances but nobody to really hang out with. It's the same with girls who don't have female friends and claim they "like to hang out with guys because there's less drama". More often than not they're the drama queens themselves.
>•Rude to waitstaff/shop assistants
Also this. If a guy does this shit, get out as fast as you can.
>>80087>20+ year old virgin
fuck im scared i just got into one like that
>parrots Anthony fantano when talking about music
this me tho
Legit. Girls, if your bf shows these traits please leave him..
>Anime fan>Jessica Nigri fan>Watches "skeptic" videos on YT>Overly jealous>Obsess over how toootally good weed is>Touches you without permission or when you're drunk/high and unable to say no>Think women are emotionally weak and inferior to men but can't the slightest thing themselves>Horrible fashion sense>Loves violent porn and wants to try it with you
>Very secretive about their life>Controlling and manipulating (will evetually lead to verbal and physical abuse)>Lies about their whereabouts for no good reason>Calls other women ugly (this accompanied with whats written above and under is a sign that he'll start verbally abusing you when things does not go right)>Does not care when you're sad, but wants you to care when they're sad>Horrible view of women>Spends time obsessing over models or other attractive women>Drink too much alcohol, takes too much drugs>Has a high position at their job (not a bad thing in itself. But it shows that they're ruthless)
Whatis this skeptic shit I keep reading/hearing everyere? Is it some new movement? Or a new name for le "alt-right."
Someone please clue me in.
Probably lmao. Just kidding. It's not a bad thing in and of itself. But combinied its baaad.>>80143>>80164>I assume june/sh0eonheads boyfriend
Yes, also Sargon and all those types and rest of the alt right people. It's also a red flag when they start to emulate them and show how ~*intellectual*~ they are
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Red flag because that would make my boyfriend even less "rightwing" than me.
Nah, I think they're "alt-righters" who depends on youtube and patreon for their income so they don't ever say anything too extreme or anything negative about race or the jews… because they'll get banned from those platforms and lose their "job".
They can rationalize it as being intellectual but I'm pretty sure it's a cope. However a lot of their followers legitimately believe in their "liberalist" sentiments. Because they are impressionable teenagers and young adults.
In a relationship there a worlds between sexual assault, and touching needs permission.
>M'lady may I request permission to hug?>Yes m'dear, for the next 30 seconds you may hug me. Any escalation or touch beyond the timeframe will be threated as an aggression.
Is he supposed to be your bf or just some acquaintance?
its why now im a firm believer that getting to know someone solely by going on dates is a horrible idea.>>89757
hunny your list sounds almost identical to what my friends ex did to her, except apparently he used to noncon physically hurt her to the point of tears during sex + he broke up with his last gf by sleeping w/ her friend while being fully aware she was miscarrying at his house alone.
So yh if that isnt preaching to the choir of chucking a guy before something even worse happens idk what is.
anon, keeping tabs on them is weird but ">tries to dissuade you from playing games with friends of opposite sex" is enough of a red flag imo
and the "asks for proof you're in bed once you log off" is just screaming batshit crazy
please anon, run this is terrible
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How the fuck did you guys even start a relationship with these literal psychopaths?
How did you think it was a good idea?
God I forgot to elaborate on this
I just remembered; not diagnosed with anything, they're completely "normal"
These people are red flags for me as a whole, I assume they mock people who do have diagnoses and act "weird" like them as a cute and quirky trait for them, but will happily block and maliciously ruin a actual autistic/any mentally "weird" person's life.
These people are so messy I'm more scared of them than actual mentally ill people, since they will lock up harmless people and use their "quirks" that get them marginalized as something cute and funny for themselves, ignoring them completely as people and treating them like they can't be self-aware and be treated like any other human
People who DO have a personality disorder like BPD but don't think they do, or think they have something milder, or vastly misdiagnose it with "depression".
Like if you use people as items, use and change personality traits and interests as superficial lures rather than genuine interests, view every woman as either Madonna or whore, practice sexual abuse, have no close friends or relationships and have strange relationship with your parents, obsess over people and then drop them? You have a personality disorder and it ain't depression.
Anyway watch out for people who lump all their problems under "depression" when they are potentially dangerous to others. Agree with this post even if you think it is only personal to you anon >>96665
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> says sorry over and over but never changes
> guilt trips you constantly
> hypocritical about everything
> obsessed with hentai or one particular race of girls
> values his 2d girls over you
> flirts with other men with anime avatars because lonely "b-but not gay"
> bad hygiene
> calls you bitch or says fuck you
> makes mother cry
> threatens to break up if you ever try to stand up for yourself
> cheats on you, let alone with his cousin, three days after a family member you were close to dies
> calls you disgusting for finding out and having an issue with it
> lies about alcohol usage
> is obsessed with ex
> buys the same LIP BALM ex had and keeps it on shelf but is "over her"
> argues with male friends about everything
> hates being wrong
> abuses you but claims you're abusive when you stand up to him and want honesty
> makes you cry but doesn't care
> sulks in corner
> turns nose up when you try to be the mature one
> obsessed with asian cosplayers
> death gripped so hard he has an ED and ruins your bedroom self esteem
> rages at games
> has arguments with friends over anime girls
> makes you feel like you're not skinny enough and he says he'd be more attracted to you if you were tall, skinny and asian
> victim complex
> throws things and shouts
> runs away constantly just to crawl back and insist he'll treat you like "a princess"
> tells you that you're the problem constantly
I'm still not over spending a year with someone who was this shitty to me but he'd always make me think I was overreacting and that I was too controlling and paranoid.
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>Insists that any problems in the relationship are YOUR problems.
>Won't go to counseling with you to work on the relationship because, again, YOUR problems.
>Make the changes he wants but still brings up the past to use an excuse as to why the relationship isn't moving forward.
>Also won't just let you go even though he makes it sound like everything is damned.
>Becomes defensive if you try to talk about your feelings and then gets mad that you don't talk about your feelings.
>Never discloses his feelings.
>Doesn't reciprocate the time, energy, or amount of thoughtfulness you give.
>Takes for granted any sacrifices you make for him and his family.
>Thinks that you should be a fucking mind reader and just know that he's always thinking about you and wanting to put you first.
>Only time he is physically affectionate is when he wants to have sex.
I'm coming to the gross realization that I'm in a terrible relationship.
>>95379>asks for proof you're in bed once you log off
All of these are horrible but this one made my skin crawl, you don't want to find yourself handcuffed in their basement in a few months anon, get out now. >>95504>Sees your anger/sadness as trivial or funny (and may even try to rile you up/upset you as a "joke"), but expects you to see their feelings as the most important feelings in the world
This is such a huge fucking red flag, and especially if they get ANGRY at you for feeling sad, hurt or any other negative emotion ("Ugh come on it was just a nasty joke about something that means a lot to you on a personal level!"). It's a sign they want to be in control of you and when you're feeling strong emotions they can't control, it makes them lose their temper.
Tbh all signs of overcontrolling are the worst red flags. Like guilt tripping and shaming you every time you want to do something for yourself such as hang out with your friends your partner doesn't know. It might start out with something small ("Umm okay I'll just figure out something to do while you're out without me…sigh
") and develop into a fullblown temper tantrum or threats of self-injury if you don't drop your plans with other people. >Constantly praises other people while making "subtle" jabs at you for being worse than they are, such as them being more attractive/thinner/talented/etc. Such as "You know Emma from down the street? She got such a long, thick hair it's unbelievable! You could hoist a boat by those!" After a discussion about your insecurity concerning your hair thickness. And it's not just one offhanded comment, it's systematic and every time they praise another person it's always to compliment something they're better at than you are. They want to remind you of your place.
Also this:>Gets jealous of anyone/anything that takes your attention away from them (including pets)
I've had an overly attached, jealous partner get mad at me for being a dick to them in their DREAM. I've honestly had to apologize for mistreating them in a DREAM. Something their brain literally MADE UP.
uuh, you sound like the red flag tbh. the first thing is a preference, not a red flag (that would mean anyone living together isn't in a worthwhile relationship kek)
the other two things kind of make it sound like you're batshit/abusive to me.
tfw a friend's gf was EXACTLY like this towards me and her bf as well as making him cut off girls before me, does the same with me, I tell her that we are just friends and that she is controlling, she spreads 39494999 rumors that I want to break them up and wants to turn everyone against me for seeing her true colors. Roll my eyes when I remember she does this with every female friend he has and now he's moved to the same uni as her, she needs to be constantly keeping tabs on him and sees smoking without her or having female friends as cheating.
I despise people like this, I agree anon, get out safe. These people are toxic as fuck.
Samefag and forgot to add:>they keep screenshots of embarrassing/silly things you said months ago, probably to use against you or shove at your face in an argument; - I haven't seen this red flag here yet>they treat you as if they were superior and you stupid;
Was going to add some others but they're too obvious.
Then you're not good in a relationship.>>97955
I like spending my time alone >>97983
How is what I said abusive? If someone acts a certain way and then pretends that they didn't, it's wrong and irritating.
I don’t think all relationships have to lead to marriage, but you are clearly not ready to commit your time and energy to a person and build a life together. If your not willing to give that too someone you shouldn’t enter an exclusive relationship with that person.
Distance makes the heart grow colder.
>>97785>needs constant attention, talking 2 times a week should be more than enough for any worthwhile relationship
So you want an acquaintance?
This is the relationship thread not a stranger thread, ho.
er, how do you actually know that?
you don't even believe that the actual advice was to marry you, so why do you think he's using any advice?
i'm sure your bf is just humoring the guy.
because my boyfriend was randomly talking to me about how he and his best friend discussed our relationship and how his best friend advised him to marry me. My boyfriend said he was going to take the advice.
Why I doubt that's what the best friend said, is because said best friend hates seeing us together, and literally said that. Why would someone who hates seeing me with my bf, tell my bf to marry me?
she does tho.
if she's paranoid over her bf and his friend conspiring against her then either she needs help or she should break it off. it honestly sounds like from >>98187
that her bf is trying to justify being friends with the other guy himself.
this is like middle school level shit
100% abusive and slightly autistic. you seem to think that getting upset at someone and then holding a grudge without expressing your feelings is normal. also, i love how you're stating your opinion as fact. normally good friends talk more than twice a week, let alone a boyfriend.
i honestly hope no one ever has the misfortune of trying to date you, but then even if they did, you'd end up a side piece really quick with how detached you sound.
tbh i have to agree
i dated a guy with no social media accounts for about 6 months, it turns out the reason why this was is that he'd burned so many bridges and had a horrible reputation around town. if he had ever created a Facebook account, his wall would have been full of angry messages from people he'd treated like shit or used for his own advantage. Every time we went out together (even when it was to events with his 'friends') I'd have people come up and lowkey drop hints about how I was 'too nice for him' or tell me stories about how ~crazy~ he was. At first I thought they just meant he partied a lot but as time went on, I realized they were trying to warn me about him without coming right out and telling me to run.
as for the argument thing, i think it probably depends on the argument. if it's something petty then it's best just to let the disagreement blow over, but your partner should probably agree with you on important political/financial/social issues (or at least have compatible ideologies) or else there's inevitably going to be controversy/drama in the relationship, sooner or later.
it's not the amount of use that they put into it, but it's weird, in this day and age, when someone has zero online presence at all. all my social media accounts are pretty much completely inactive but they still exist
yeah its fucking weird. so what if someone doesn't have social media or gets rid of it? they probably still use the internet. it's not like they're trying to hide something. i mean, unless it's obvious.
My bf got rid of his Facebook because he doesn't socialize with many people anymore after getting out of college since he's busy being a full time employee. he's still got friends but they text, it's not hard to keep up with friends without a social media profile. he just likes watching youtube videos, he's not trying to be an internet personality. if he wants to check facebook or twitter he looks at my timeline since we have the same interests.
>overshares within days of meeting you (normally to create a bond or relationship sooner but also can be to get you to give up information he can later use against you)
>anyone who admits they're afraid theyre going to die alone as their biggest fear
>anyone who mentions theyve been cheated on especially when its not brought up, normally means theyll be paranoid
>never says hes sorry
>"No one else will ever…(put up with hobbies, love you as much as i will, etc)"
>attempts suicide when you try to break up with him
>sends suicidal messages to all your friends but not his
>"i only share nudes from girls i dont respect"= this will be you, when you guys break up
>"girls with tattoos/piercings are unrespectable/unmarriable/ only good for rough pump and dumps" even if these things dont apply to you, hell come up with something later on against you
>pressures you to do everything/anything constantly
>gets upset when you do anything with anyone/arent constantly texting him
>wont stop when youre finished "because i want you to keep cumming/you just give up too easily"
>"i dont like condoms"
>pressures you to move to his city/area because he hates where you live when he lives in a bad or poor area
>"girls can never be strong (mentally)"&"i just have a strict definition of that word" when you use it to describe yourself after going through things (parents passed away, no grandparents, little relationship with extended family)
>never asks you how interviews, first days, classes were but gets mad when you dont ask about the anime/game he was watching or playing
>puts you down constantly especially when aware youre dealing with depression and anxiety and its an exceptionally bad day.
>when you break up or fight and avoid sayign anything negative about him or anything petty he still hits you were it hurts and makes sure to mention your insecurties
>"so and so was right, you are a slut/only want attention" when he originally made all the effort, started oversharing to form the initial bong and declared you guys as together despite not really being as interested.
>acts entitled to your love/affection/sex because he "loves" you
>talks about how all these girls fawn over him but theyre all trash
>admits his only relationship was mostly him taking advantage of a girl (disabled)
>routinely/only pays for (STD tested) escorts because
>has a rape charge (clear red flag but i knew others who got fucked over when girls got outted for being in a gangbang and then submitted rape charges for all the guys in the group, his story was similar)
I fucked up big time. Wasted almost 10 years on this fucker.
>intimate relationship with 18 yo self even though he’s mid-late 20’s because “idc it’s legal”
>obsession with (then) underaged stars like Ellen Paige and Emma Watson
>thinks it’s okay to marry (and marries) an 18 yo high school graduate who just started her new job and has zero life experience
>proceeds to groom 18 yo self
>size 2, but he calls you fat and grabs perceived “flab”— when he met you last year, you still had the body of a child
>compares you to exes constantly, especially those with big breasts or those that are successful in life
>fantasizes about other girls during sex
>obvious non-con fetish
>doesn’t care if he injures you during sex
>never shuts up about fuckbuddies and fwb he’s still in contact with that were super experienced
>girls have sex with more than one guy or give birth means they have loose vaginas
>wears Monster/Rockstar merch
>lifted trucks and off-road vehicles only
>expects a cut of your paycheck under guise that you owe him
>convinced you to quit your job so you can stay home and be a wifey
>gets mad at you for quitting job
>always tells you to stand up for yourself and then gets mad and blames you for getting fired over not letting manager unfairly yell at you and call you an incompetent idiot in front of customers while getting paid $7/hr part time
>no color allowed in house besides brown, black, blue, and red
>says none of your friends are attractive enough
>polygamy supporter (only for men with several wives)
>every potential female friend is a potential 3-way and it’s ok bc “you’re bi so you must want to, right?”
>violent temper, consistently destroys your personal belongings in rage
>uses every mistake in the history of your life against you in argument
>calls you lazy, bum, fat ass, basement dweller, threatens to tell your family you’re a worthless failure
>gaslights you into believing you’re clinically insane, threatens to admit you but refuses to get you help
>calls you crazy and dangerous for having a meltdown when he argues in circles with you until you don’t know which way is up
>reminds you of every mistake you’ve ever made, including small shit like not rinsing the plate before putting it in the sink
>threatens separation for leverage
>horribly obsessed with anal sex
>thinks it’s normal to get you drunk so he can easily take advantage of you
>reveals that only goal in life is to retire early and manage a store after failing to groom you to be a successful, money-making trophy wife
>”I can because I earned it, you earned nothing in life because you haven’t even made an effort.”
>you can’t buy yourself anything, your money is for him
I don’t even know if I did this right… God, the list goes from red flags to blatant abuse that I never took to authority for fear of retaliation. Took me too long to leave the sick fuck.
>Showers you with compliments, moves too quickly, talks about getting serious when the relationship is very new, slowly and gradually starts talking to you less and less, initiating less and less, treating you worse and worse until the actual abuse starts
>makes negative comments on your appearance
>withholding emotional support in times of need
>always doing what he wants, never what you want to do
>never confirms plans, everything is last minute,keeps you waiting,cancels at the last minute
>constantly puts friends/video games/whatever else in front of you
>always talking about himself, how amazing he is
>coercing you into an open relationship
>constant negative jokes about your abilities/looks, mocking you in front of other people
>always talks down on you like you're a child who doesn't know how to do anything/have no life experience
>doesn't tell you he loves you even after months and months of being together
>constantly expects sex whenever he wants it
>doesn't want to meet your friends
>his problems matter, yours don't
>if you bring up an issue about him/the relationship, turning it on you and you find yourself apologizing for something he did
>making you cry by doing insensitive shit and acting like you're being childish
>gets angry fast, and for minuscule things, takes his anger out of you
>doesn't have his life together, still living with parents, college dropout, no job etc etc
>being way too into drugs and partying
>having a shady past
>TONS of female friends (some of them obviously has crushes on him)
you're autistic and likely being cheated on.
it's called being over 18.
That’s so depressing. Most people talk to their friends and pets more often than anon talks to this ‘committed boyfriend’. Maybe they’re from some culture that does arranged marriages or extreme chaperoning so they don’t know that humans actually enjoy spending time with their spouses as opposed to showing up every few weeks for the scheduled fuck and ‘how do you do’ before being sent off again.
Why do kids always think that maturity looks like absurd stoicism?
I can’t find a serious partner on this app for casual sex. What is wrong with the world? We live in a society!
Tbh a lot of posters here seem like bullets dodged.
well, i've read through most of this thread even though i don't really think i needed to. my current bf has quite a few of these traits, and i know i fucked up. i've been with this guy for five years, and we just bought a house (he did) and moved in together.
he's really nice, charismatic, and is great with people. but jesus. there's just a ton of red flags, and i'm starting to realize just how lazy he is. the worst part? i've been trying to convince myself for the past three or so years that it was going to work. he's my first partner and we started dating when i was 18 (i am 23 now), so i'm the idiot. i wanted to break up with him the year after we started dating, and for some reason i never did. joke's on me.
anyway, sorry for the vent, but it made me feel better. i don't see a way out of this right now so i'm a little scared.
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>>108066>bf (not husband)>bought a house
not to rub salt, but jfc anon
Anon, who owns the house on the deed and did you put money toward the downpayment? If only him, but you paid downpayment too, check in with a lawyer and see if you qualify under common law relationships, and you may be entitled to that half of the property or something. Protect your assets and check in with some legal assistance. You may not be in a hopeless case. Check your rights>>107743>always comes up with the most convincing answers and reasons (the truth is that they're lying)
Eh but how can you tell since it's convincing? Until you find something that tips you off to shady shit, you can't really tell lol.
lmao please hold me, i am that scared kitten lol. i am afraid of marriage, i have low self-esteem and i don't think anyone should ever be stuck with me. he bought the house because he wanted to move me out of my previous living situation while i attend grad school. he was very excited about it, which makes me feel awful. >>108069
he owns the house. i did not contribute any money toward the down payment, as i'm currently a poor grad student. i want to clarify - he's not a bad person and i don't think he would try to take anything i own if we were to break up. i would be willing to move out. but i feel terrible for falling out of love with him. he's very devoted, but in an extremely clingy way.
thank you both for responding. have a good night.
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>Finally realized at the beginning of 2019 that I had been in a toxic relationship for 2.5 years and left only to realize I’m the source of all my awful interactions with men but I (you) still don’t have to subject yourself to emotional abuse
>Isolation from friends
>control over daily routine
>trying to get really personal information early on about your childhood past traumas etc etc
>general discomfort, such as I was always nervous something in our apartment would be off and I would get a tongue lashing for it
Leaving this guy was the best thing I’ve ever done but he keeps coming back and I’m not sure what to do it’s such a mess help me anons.
>>108188>general discomfort, such as I was always nervous something in our apartment would be off and I would get a tongue lashing for it
Fuck, I feel this. I am always so on edge. “Did I do x, did I hang up y, etc…”
I excuse it because I think he’s helped me to become a lot more considerate and mindful of things, but I always feel like there’s something I’ve done wrong.
In which way does he keep "coming back"? I hope he didn't turn into some creepy stalker?
The only way to get over him is cease all contact and communication. With some exes, being friends after breaking up is simply not meant to happen. And that's ok. It sounds like he's using every opportunity to try to get back with you. You need to put a stop to it.
Don't be too hasty. They've bought a house together, probably going to get married, and have been together for the last five years. A lot of things are on the line.>>108072
, what red flags does he have?
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In my opinion, the ultimate Red Flag is your conscience.
I've realized that I tend to involve myself with shitty people, even when there's an inner voice who tells me that they seem suspicious or shady.
But because they were nice to me at first, I dismised those thoughts with excuses (like "he has similar hobbies/opinions/likes to other shitty guys, but I'm sure he's different").
My advice is to listen to your conscience. Don't feel bad for having prejudices against someone who presents themselves as "nice". Doesn't matter if it is online or in real life. Jiminy Cricket tends to be right almost always.
PS: By the way, I find it really funny, but when it happens the opposite (having bad prejudices against a person at first hand) I tend to be wrong about those people and find myself getting along pretty well with them.
I guess I can't trust my outer voice.
>>98736>never confirms plans, everything is last minute,keeps you waiting,cancels at the last minute
This is a huge fucking red flag girls, it's such a shitty manipulation/power abuse tactic. He's taking control over your time and mental resources by making you stress over your plans.
>TONS of female friends (some of them obviously has crushes on him)
This too, I generally have no problem with a man having female friends but there are times when you KNOW some of them have a crush on him and are constantly on the lookout to strike. It's usually when you meet these female friends and they stare daggers at you that you realize what's up. He acts like he doesn't even realize when he's fully aware of it and enjoys the situation, he's probably talking shit about you to these girls too.
>doesn't want to meet your friends
This happens a lot in abusive
relationships, does anyone know the psychology behind it? They don't want to see that other people besides him might be meaningful to you?
>>111146>does anyone know the psychology behind it? Abusive
men generally aim to isolate you from friends and family in order to gain control. They are irrelevant to him other than the need to get rid of them, plus refusing to meet sends the message to the victim
that the friends/family are somehow inferior or unworthy
Sorry for having standards
>be me, girl
>in highly technical field
>this guy in one of my classes seemed to have overlapping intellectual interests
>he interrupts everyone incl. very decorated experts, is a terrible listener and makes it clear he doesn't listen to you, especially if you're a girl
>in retrospect, very entitled
>befriend him nonetheless because, like all abusers, he was charming at first
>we hang out over the course of a few months
>he keeps making racist jokes, spends all day arguing on facebook
>talks down to me and assumes i don't know shit about our field, chronic mansplainer (despite the fact that i'm far more experienced intellectually with what we're doing)
>strangers comment on how badly he treats people, nobody can stand him but they make excuses because he's a man
>i start lending him shit that he never returns (still hasn't, one thing was expensive)
>meet his gf one day, same time i started noticing that he literally yells at his mom and treats her like shit
>she's extremely pretty and brilliant but is obviously insecure and cagey around me and i can't figure out why, gets nervous when i compliment her, won't let me befriend her easily
>we got in an argument about something related to our field but he starts taking his condescension to a new level, belittles me, gaslights me and twists my words and generally tries to one-up me. all conversations were about him "winning"
>figure that he's threatened by me (because intellect is a competition for him, like everything) and start avoiding him, read flags are too much to ignore at this point
>avoid him for months, make excuses, make it clear i'm not interested in being close to him
>he starts randomly messaging me weird negs concerning my intellectual ability and my interests
>starts arguments in professional settings and tries to make me look like i don't know what i'm talking about by wincing whenever i say anything, laughing out loud and speaking with a condescending tone..in front of others
>finally tell him to not talk to me until he learns respect
>fast forward to a few months ago
>turns out he was sexually, verbally and emotionally abusing his now ex gf and some other people the whole time
>he's moved on to this one girl who joins him in belittling others because she has self-loathing issues
>he's going to move again soon
Men are the worst. Always be vigilant when men belittle you. It's about control and they usually feel threatened by bright women, prompting them to tear them down so they can feel superior. Also the constant moving is a big one, very consistent across abusers. They shouldn't shit where they eat.
Establish firm boundaries. The ONLY reason he didn't try to sexually predate on me or go further is that I was in a committed relationship the whole time and I made it clear that I 100% wasn't interested, and also that my boyfriend would rightfully kick his ass. Abusive men like this don't care about your feelings or about you as an individual, only as mirrors and validation machines. I could have been raped or something. Scary shit
I nearly went out with a guy like this in my first year of college. It sounds like a joke but unfortunately these dudes very much exist.>drinking and drugs is only hobby, has no actual friends outside of mates to get high with.>edgy meme shit is only personality trait, openly talks about 4chan>talks way too much about edgy kink shit, hard to tell if joking or serious>"you're not like other girls" "I don't usually connect or make friends with other girls"
Also specific to him, or maybe not>"other girls aren't usually into the same things as me like you are anon" despite having a very shallow interest in said things and clearly not having a clue what he's talking about. Usually specific anime, games, bands etc. >spends too much money on alcohol and drugs, brags about it>On endless gap year, living at home working fast food jobs to fund drug habit and refuses to go to college, travel etc. Doesn't have any interests, skills or passions because all time is spent partying and being ~ oh so edgy meme lord~>Posessive and needy, can't go a few days without talking despite not being in relationship. During finals week I didn't respond to some cringey meme post for 3 days tops and he got hostile. Even had the mutual friend who introduced us interrogate me as if I had done something wrong. It was her finals week too, she knew why I didn't have time to talk to him and had told him several times that we were really busy with exams yet he still pushed for her to confront me.
Unrelated but needed for context; After rejecting him I ended up coming out as a lesbian to my friends which was something I was struggling with for months. I hadn't talked to him for a while by that point but had assumed our mutual friend had told him because he stopped continually messaging me almost immediately after I told her. Then months later out of the blue he starts messaging me through her account, pretending to be her in order to 'break the ice' and decided asking me out again was a good idea. I shut it down, telling him my reasons and almost immediately upon rejection he started going on about his furry fantasies. Haven't spoken to him since. I sincerely wish I was making this shit up.
LMAO you dumb stinkin' cunt
not only is he smarter than you, he doesn't want to rape you either (no one does), and i'm pretty sure he could beat your bf's ass
inb4 "omg you must be him"(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
I suggest examining yourself if this struck a chord with you, robot. This happened a while ago.>>111207
It's already habbening
Doubleposting, but…N*ah if that is you rot in hell please. Thanks!
I'm 20 but this is my first bf, I want to make sure I'm not doing something abusive
w/o realizing it.
Obviously none of these behaviors are abusive
, more so being clingy and lacking a sense of firm boundaries. You actually sound susceptible to codependency and being abused yourself.
Ime, it's dangerous to be a girl and constantly questioning if you're abusive
yourself. It's probably a sign that you're not if you are constantly looking out for these signs and leaves you susceptible to abuse
Sage for doublepost, but I mean that some dude who gets with you could leverage your fear of being abusive
and pick out normal behaviors that don't really signify anything bad on their own (irritation, oversharing, not having firm boundaries) as abusive
and use it to control you. Been there. It's only abusive
if you're consciously attempting to isolate your boyfriend from all of his friends and making him feel guilty on purpose by being clingy or like threatening self-harm or something i.e. forcing him into a situation of being codependent on YOU as well, and it does not sound like you are doing that.
>>113853>"i was testing you and you failed"
It makes my blood run cold when anons post about this kind of thing from their partners, it's so genuinely terrifying. I only ever heard someone say something like that once, or was a manipulative female friend and I stopped going to her house afterwards
There needs to be a agreement that the moment anyone says anything like that, or tries to use it as an excuse to go back on something they did themselves, that person needs to be thrown into the garbage
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>Has a messy appearance/bad hygiene. This is a major red flag if they are a manager/higher up in the company and/or expected to work with clientele.
>Frequently brings personal problems into the workplace. They might overshare and expect you do the same, or make you play therapist.
>Going off the last point: Can’t handle inter & intrapersonal problems in a professional manner. Are they passive aggressive? Do they cry a lot?
>Gossips about other employees, can’t find anything nice to say about anyone in the company.
>Martyr/victim complex. When called out on unacceptable behavior, they don’t take responsibility. Fake apologies. Avoids helpful, constructive feedback that will ultimately help them improve.
>Brings up inappropriate subjects at work, doesn’t care who overhears them. Friendly banter is okay, but do they always talk about sex/drugs/alcohol? Do they openly talk about these subjects and swear around customers?
>Keeps their profile on social media public and makes inappropriate posts. Either they aren’t smart enough to make it private or they don’t care.
>Always late and unreliable.
>Unable to keep employees for long periods of time.
>Bad communication and unable to respond to e-mails in a timely manner.
>How they compose e-mails in general. I guess this can be excused if they are 60+?
>Punishing the entire team for the actions of one person.
>Unfriendly. Doesn’t greet other employees in the morning or eat/talk with employees during break. Lacks basic social skills.
Imo, it's not a red flag, especially for men, since most friends males would have would be toxic
. Most male friends are toxic
to other males and encourage sociopathy and porn addiction. I'm the same way though and I personally don't think it's a red flag, but I can see how some people certainly would.>>113869
Lmfao, I like helpless guys but that's not even remotely cute. He sounds like the kind of retard that would microwave a raw chicken.
I agree that some personality disorders are dubious and probably overdiagnosed, but saying most psychologists won't bother with them and their existence being that controversial is overexaggerating.
I'm a clinical psychologist and in my experience personality disorders being a thing is widely accepted, even if people disagree on their exact classifications.
That being said, yeah, people on here tend to claim everyone has either BPD or NPD which is of course often bullshit.
Is it really fucked up to be shitty like this and then expect me to be there as soon as he drops the post abuse guilt trip of "I need you" without any apology or remorse of his actions? Just him crying boo hoo because he's playing the martyr and victim
? Is he abusive
Ironic but when they tend to gossip about others a lot it's a no-go for me. (there's a proper way to use this website without being a petty dumbass, believe it or not).
Also, bisexuals are instant no-go for me. Sorry, but bisexuals tend to be really hypersexual (I mean they see their sexuality as the most privileged one for a reason).
Sloppy schizo-tier people, take care of them if you must because you're family/friends/care, but take a lot of breaks and definitely pursue minimal contact unless necessary.
Angry people, for obvious fucking reasons people who are prone to anger must never be considered a friend. Even if they are not physically unleashing, it's still autistic as fuck to keep them as a friend/thing/bf/whatever. Minimal contact here too, pls.
NEETs who wanna stay NEETs AND don't do anything/much about it. Neetery can happen to the best of people, but if you don't wanna do anything about it, something is wrong.
That's basically it.
I'm bi and this. I just feel we get crap from both het and LG people and are considered slutty by default. Which is weird, being bi doesn't mean you want to fuck all men and women ever, just like being straight doesn't mean you want to fuck all men ever. >>128651
Yeah it matters, no thank you to trans people with fucked up minds and bodies.
Is that gatekeeping though?
Transwomen will argue that liking women and liking penis equals liking 'women with penises' I'm glad that the term pan at least creates some distinction
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I didn't say anything about slutty since I was mostly targeting moid bisexuals, but come to think of it, aren't most female pornstars bisexual? And then it doesn't help that bisexuality is that one gender preference that can be conditioned and/or shift depending on the day.>>128649
Because "literally best of both worlds", and when you're female only lesbians will truly hate you.
If it means anything anon, I'm a dirty bisexual and I'm a KHV in my twenties who only wants to date to marry.
Some of us are pure. I am pretty thirsty but…I have crazy self-control. It's possible.
You both are repeating what I said basically lol. Hardcore lesbians/gays hate bisexuals to death, but how many of those gays will you even meet/want to meet? They're still a minority unlike bisexuals and straightheads. I don't even see why you or your cunt boss (report her btw - yes this is coming from me) are open about it at a fucking workplace. I'm not even a prude but if a conversation turns sexual or too personal at a workplace, I won't work there. Saves me crazy and drama, and your cunt boss shows this. You did good at promising yourself to not tell anyone, it's no one's business who you fuck but your own anyways. And I'm pretty sure that you can still tell it to your more casual network…especially if you're sure they won't make fun of you, but you should know that life is like this with everything else too.>>128716
Totally off-topic, but if you are a KHV how can you even know you're bisexual other than the fact that you may (?????) like lesbian porn? Sounds condescending but I'm just curious how you found it out with limited means.
>>128724>If you are a KHV how can you even know you're bisexual?
Lots of alone time for self-reflection and in-depth mental exploration of hypothetical scenarios. I was also attracted to women before viewing porn haha and have had feelings (sexual and romantic) for both women and men irl.
Also, I think most people can tell if they're attracted to people before having sex. Do you think incels are all asexual lol?
i swear to god this anon was posting the other day in the pinkpill thread in ot (i believe) shitting on bisexuals again lol
which bislut hurt you anon
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>badmouths me constantly compulsively to him
>discusses me with her friends/family
>discusses me in her posts on Facebook
>’she’s clingy she’s a narcissist uwu’
>orbits his posts constantly and passively aggressively haha reacts any interaction I have with him
>flirts with him/sends nudes and gets curved but persists
>wants to hang out with him, but doesn’t want me to come along
>makes frequent attempts to convince him to be suspicious of me being friendly with his family
>insists that there is a ‘rivalry’ between us, despite that I never rise to her sniping
>this utterly nonexistent rivalry is the reason she doesn’t want to meet me
its virtually impossible to ignore. she clearly isn’t over him but refuses to preserve any dignity or even attempt to disguise her jealousy, it’s embarrassing and pathetic
>>130555>haha reacts any interaction I have with him
this is kinda funny ngl>>130607
this probably is the anon who always spergs about her bfs evil ex on /g/. Don’t even try it, she doesn’t want to see why her boyfriend is also at fault here. He loves the attention and disrespects her so much, but she will never learn.
>>134117> emotionally abusive behind closed doors
There's a theme on here and the relationship advice thread of anons venting over and over and never actually dumping the guy and I wonder why? If you're at the point of recognising emotional abuse and calling it what it is.. then why do we need to tell you to leave?
I'm always here ready to give advice when I see young women are failing to recognise signs of abuse.. but you see it and you still need input from others?
That's the point I'm at. I grew up in a very abusive
household with a very manipulative abuser and I'm still going to therapy to wrap my head around ending things when it's sour and not getting obsessed with convincing myself if I stay things will change. Bf is like Jekyll when I just about plan to go and my stupid ass stays. I hope he hurts someday
I know, I've been in an abusive
relationship. As other anons pointed out I believe they've posted about this guy multiple times so I'm just trying to say lets get things in motion.
I see the pattern of anons venting about one guy for months on end and my heart always aches over how much we seem to endure before we reach that point of leaving. A lot of good advice falls on deaf ears in the relationship advice thread because these guys leave us with fuck all self esteem. >>134139
I think you're a green flag to every abusive
male who'd love to take advantage of you and then paint you as crazy when they're done with you.
No, she’s right, she’s a red flag. People like her are hell to be around and drain you completely while victimizing themselves with everyone around. “Boohoo I did everything to make you like me, why don’t you at least answer to my unwanted love bombing”>>139044
Anon, get some hobbies, some therapy, you clearly depend on other’s approval. That’s bad for you and for people around you
This is why most of you shouldn't read into "subtext" because you're often wrong in your interpretations. I only spoke about abusers, not defending anon's toxic
>>139089> depend on other’s approval
it’s like i have no personality and have to leech off others. i shape myself into whatever form my partner wants. i want to impress them and gain their affections. >>139180> insecure
it’s like whatever i do is never enough. im bad at communicating and think negative thoughts all the time, mostly thinking that they hate my guts which only intensifies my desperation for approval and affection.
i have deep rooted issues that makes me like this. at least i am aware of it now and try to prevent such toxic
behaviour. im also like this with my friends too, not just dating, which is alarming and scary. i wouldn’t ever want to befriend someone like myself, we’re all exhausting to deal with and emotionally draining.
I know it's hard to change toxic
habits because of how long it might take, but the first step is to start recognizing them, and you did! Good job. I wish you a nice, safe journey in becoming a better version of yourself.
(( sorry for seeming too harsh in my previous post to you if i did! though its for the best ))
I dumped a close grade school friend of almost a decade.
She tried to kill herself a few times in middle school. Ended up inpatient once or twice.
She became obese over the years, and a NEET. Her boyfriend's parents offered to pay for a semester of community college, and she allowed them to and then stopped attending classes while lying to them and saying she was getting straight A's.
She lived completely off her mom and got mad at her when she wouldn't pay for her 22 year old grown self. Her mom let her live rent free, bills paid for, cellphone paid for, car lended, Pokemon Go money lended. One time her mom cut off her cellphone, and she cried to me about how unfair and unreasonable she was being.
Her mom was fucked up in a lot of ways. She had tons of issues, and brought multiple abusive and criminal men into the house.
My friend would get jobs and then quit them. She never cleaned, the house was filthy. She was severely depressed and on so many different medications, and would sometimes suddenly stop taking them.
When we were 15, my mom died, and she was not there for me at all. She'd had to move schools then, and she had felt lonely. Years later, we were discussing that time in her life, and I was empathizing with her, when suddenly she looked at me and said "Wait a second, where were you?!"
I looked at her blankly and reminded her my mom had just died during that time of her life. Where was /she/? But honestly, until that point I hadn't thought about it, because I never expected her to perform emotional labor for me. She nervously laughed and then apologized, but I could never look at her the same after she said that.
Some types of severely depressed people are selfish and myopic. They can't see past their own self-absorbed bubble of sadness. I realized she reminded me too much of my mother, who was selfishly depressed in similar ways, and I cut her off. Her dad died of cancer, and I attended the funeral, gave her a hug, and that was the last time I saw her.
I don't hate her. I know she's sick. But life is too short for one-sided relationships.
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Even by male standards thats a disgusting and disrespectful thing to say to your girlfriend. Dump him, dump him now.
You know he's gonna keep doing this behind your back yeah? He doesn't respect you, literally thought "but muh dick" was a valid
excuse to cover for hurting you.
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we've been in a relationship for over 3 years now. i berated him and broke down in tears last night and had the angry shakes so i'm hoping he realises just how much he hurt me. 100% going to make him regret being a retard. if i ever catch him looking at it again i told him i'm moving in with my dad and leaving him with our psycho flatmate and the look on his face made me feel satisfied for a little. i hate myself for loving such a brainless male.
i'm going to see if i get over it or not. if not then i'm never getting with a male again, they're too stupid.
>>139085>I think being friends with an ex is a red flag
It definitely is. One of my male friends is like this and it almost always causes problems in his relationships. He tries to maintain his "independence" by having multiple close relationships with other attractive women, including ex-partners. He'll sometimes hang out with these women behind his gf's back, just as "friends." I was present twice when he did this, and it clearly wasn't just a casual situation. He wasn't outright flirting with them, but he was asking them all these deep, probing questions, like he was trying to figure out whether or not they were compatible romantically. He's one of those guys who is a huge commitment-phobe, but is also afraid to be alone. I guess having an "out" in the event that his current relationship doesn't work out makes him feel better.
It's really sad, because he's otherwise a really fun, sweet and responsible person. I never would have guessed his romantic life was so dysfunctional.
Some men can only offer you their audacity. I thought that telling my ex how much him watching porn hurt me, and then escalating my anger when I'd catch him doing it behind my back, would cause him to change his behavior. It did not.
A person who wants to continue to do something will first try to dodge responsibility for the act, and when that falls short they will blame their victims
He blamed me for 1. Snooping and 2. Not initiating intimacy. Then he'd act like a sulky little boy as if I had done wrong.
I mean how dare I felt so sexually neglected and ugly by this bridge troll who everyone said was beneath me when I
clearly didn't kow tow to him enough by being his unquestioning maid who hounded him for sex just so he could opt to reject me in lieu of his pornsick camgirl habit. It was all my fault, clearly
. Worst of all I couldn't even drag his ass through the mud post breakup cause all his creepy friends would have defended his porn usage because it's been so normalized now.
He suffered no consequence for destroying our relationship and my self esteem with porn. Nothing came out of me trying to be a good and fair person towards someone who was never going to appreciate that. I just prolonged how much I suffered. Dump him.
Only a male would write something this stupid. Dating an abuser =/= dating a party girl. But hey 3 women a day are beaten to death in the US by their scrotes but it's just because women collectively have bad taste rather than there being something seriously wrong with males.
BTW only a dirty little incel tier scrote would take up a charitable cause simple for meeting girls. Hopefully your gf cottons on how insincere you are a drops your ass.
why are you two so triggered
? She just pointed out something that is common sense for lesbians and victims
of male violence.
Why do libfems and handmaidens always get this defensive whenever another woman openly expresses her justified disdain for males and doesn't make it pretty? Get over the fact already not everyone wants dick specially if it comes to the expense of abuse. You are sort of nasty.
I agree with this 100%. There's also legit abuse here and abusive
sociopathic narcs who aren't immediately obvious, red flags like rudeness to service staff, ability to maintain different personas etc.
But the whole: "Yeah I dated Sam Hyde and wow, would you believe it, he turned out to be a pedophilic sex-addict with syphilis who threatened to kill me!" ones are just ridiculous. There are some cases, a few, where a guy should be a walking red flag even to a teen.
This is so tone deaf it hurts. I'm not even going to give you shit for posting here or whatever, but you are extremely ignorant to assume that all these "red flags" that you posted are obvious right off the back. Most of us who have actually been through abusive
relationships had no idea what we were getting into due to heaps of love bombing at the beginning of the relationship, and the accompanied gaslighting and general emotional manipulation that continued long after.
You have clearly never experienced this for yourself, and there was nothing brave or enlightening about this post. Maybe talk to someone who has actually experienced abuse to get some perspective before assuming everyone who ends up in this kind of relationship is a moron who was asking for it.
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When men say they like women who "don't wear makeup," they mean they like women who cover blemishes with concealer, wear foundation to smooth out skin, blush to not look half dead, mascara to brighten their eyes, and filled in eyebrows so they don't look bald. When men say "no makeup" they mean this image.
Anyhow, most men who complain about women's makeup, whether it's telling them to wear more or less, are trash, and should be avoided like the plague.
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I've recently become acquainted with the terms beardfishing and hatfishing and I love that men are starting to get backlash for hiding their ugly lower faces and receeding hairlines on tinder etc.
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>"I just want a girlfriend who like anime"
>Being a girl who likes anime
>"Which is your favorite one anon?"
>Mentions any anime without ecchi, with a mostly male cast or with a gay couple
>"Wtf anon, that's cringy, stop being a weeb, you have too high expectations on me"
>Mfw I just wanted to talk about anything other than High school DxD and end up being called a fujo
I swear, most of the time when a guy says he wants a girl who likes anime, he probably means an Instagram cosplayer who could send him ahegao pictures.
Has anyone else noticed how many men seem to think that in their household everything they don't personally do, or at least observe, just happens automatically? Or relatedly, when other people do nice things to them, it's to be expected and no work or sacrifice at all?
I lived with someone who worked later than me, so I often cooked for both of us during the day, and got ingredients from a nearby store. Sometimes we also went grocery shopping together, and took turns paying. At one point he politely mentioned he had been paying more expensive groceries recently. He didn't even realize that the ingredients I used when I cooked during the day had to come from somewhere, I could see the gears turning when I said I often went for groceries when he was working and had in fact spent more money recently than he had. I don't really care about the money, just sucks that he didn't even think about that, which probably also means he didn't think about the effort I went through when cooking, to him all that just materialized from somewhere. Never again lol.
Another dude was just kinda average at being considerate, like he would ask me if I also wanted tea if he was going to make it himself, but that's pretty much it. If he did anything else, he went on and on about how it's personally so important to him to show appreciation and care for his partner. I did way more of this, like rubbed his shoulders, made sure I had his favourite snacks when he visited, and went to bed earlier because that was his sleep schedule. Yet when I was breaking up with him and mentioned something unrelated about how things don't feel reciprocal (with compliments or something lol), he said he shows his love in a different way, by doing a greater number of these caring and considerate acts than I do. Lmfao no you don't, it's like he thought I was doing all those nice things because I intrinsically like the sensation of rubbing his shoulders, I have no preferences on snacks, and changing my sleep schedule is totally inconsequential.
Probably boils down to guys like this being so used to their mom always doing everything, that over time they intuitively expect things to magically always happen in their favour. But it also seems like a lack of theory-of-mind skills, or even object permanence, which are literal cognitive milestones in childhood development.
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The only time in history men understood the significance of the work it took to run a household was when they were afraid they'd have to do it.
I have a redflag ex bf that truly traumatized me.
>Bored, 19 years old, arrived to a new town for school
>Feeling lonely so i'm swiping on Tinder, match with a guy
>Let him know I don't like him just thought he looks cool, he's chill with that
>Watching his snapchat story and see cute guy
>Ask about cute guy but Tinder match ignores and introduces other guy
>Legit looks like Lil Dicky but skinnier
>We meet up, he took me to his house, drink a bit, no sex just foreplay
>End up dating after 3 months
>Never tells me he's a virgin tell he says I pressured him into sex but he's 24 so I didn't know
>Relationship goes downhill
>Pressures me to smoke weed with him even down he has a DUI and if he doesn't pass drug test he'll go to jail
>Leaves me alone in the room high
>Starts to tell me i'm fat and let myself go
>Tells me i'm too emotional
>Wants me to go to his old highschool to get a tailored uniform so he can do me in it
>We get pets together, thinking it will fix the relationship
> Kicks me out of the apartment I pay for and he doesn't
>Live with his parents now in the middle of nowhere
>Finally go back to school, so I break up with him after a year
>Still hang out
>Invites me out to a trip with his parents and thought we are going as friends
>Gets upset we wont hold hands and explain we aren't dating
>Tries to rape me and impregnate me after I tell i'm seeing someone new while i'm drunk
>Harasses me on the phone
>Harasses me on FB
>Harasses me on email
>Tries to get into my LOL account
>Mom still harasses me even though he said his mom hates me
I saw him in February during a party. He finally got a job after he was fired from his old one and told me one of my pets died, he's fucking hot chicks now, and that I ruined his life. He also drunkily stalked me and told every dude I said hi to not to fuck me because im his ex. I have a boyfriend now and we've been broken up for 2 years. There is so much worse things he did and said but it would fill up this whole page.
>>141025>Probably boils down to guys like this being so used to their mom always doing everything, that over time they intuitively expect things to magically always happen in their favour. But it also seems like a lack of theory-of-mind skills, or even object permanence, which are literal cognitive milestones in childhood development.
This exactly. It's like the other end of the parenting spectrum from "tough love". Mommycoddled boys grow into inconsiderate, stingy men because in their worlds, things just do
happen for and to them in their favor because their mothers were doing everything for them, so they expect it from a partner as well (and probably men believe all women in their lives should act like mommy, just because).
Men these days seem like they just want mommies they can fuck.
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I’ve had several guys who I know fetishize the idea of me being a ‘nerdy gf’ because they’d constantly talk about the few things we were both interested in but their eyes glaze over when I talk about something they don’t care about. As soon as I bring up how to clean and style MLP hair they lose all interest in me kek.
>>141125>someone with a really good job, good style, good looking
lmao, this is what happens when you follow FDS's gold-digging "HVM" criteria.
Makes me glad I've always realized the imbalance in dating someone wealthy and better looking isn't worth it, they'll always cheat on you, grow to resent you etc.
You need to either get in contact with your family to get out of there or if you don't have family get in touch with a womens shelter. Lots of women escape from situations where they had been financially stuck.
Two years ago I was there myself. Most countries have social workers connected to shelters that will help get you set up with financial assistance.
> good style, good looking
Who gives a fuck about these things if he's practically holding you as a hostage and the cops are coming to your house on a regular basis to break up fights?!
Not OP but military guys are frequently hyper (toxically) masculine idiots that have trouble assimilating into normal society. What else can you expect when you take 18-year-old boys and throw them into an environment where blind conformity, aggression and conflict are the glorified norm?
Several of my relatives are current and former military along with my own partner, so I’m not talking out of my ass. I’m lucky to know several of the “good ones” but even they will say as much and have all had to deal with their own struggles adapting back to civilian life. It stifled a lot of their individuality and made it difficult to learn that relationships are based on trust, communication and kindness rather than a constant power struggle and who can talk loudest/intimidate the other more. They are very disillusioned with the “values” the military professes to be about and recognize it as the uncaring institution that it actually is, but then you also have the guys who never stopped drinking the Kool-Aid and think the world owes them a debt for “protecting our freedoms” (primarily the government’s business interests).
The type of people you surround yourself with reflects on you. He needs to fucking deal with it or stop complaining. You aren't impervious to what they believe and it can and will say something about him to other people. Your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and stand up for basic human decency, especially given that you're a victim
of that. You should give him hell and if he is an ass to you and can't see why this is fucked up you should leave. He seems to value his friends' fucking moral bankruptcy over your humanity. You know you deserve more than this!
Anyway, have my red flag: guys who are obsessed with needing a partner or love to the point of self-loathing tend to have deeper issues. It's ok to crave contact and feel like you're missing something. There's a line where it becomes a massive red flag for someone codependent and/or mentally not well.
So recently I've started to try OLD again and I've been talkimg to.this guy who I was really liking but the topic.of trans people came up and he was very vague om his views. He was saying he was OK with it but at the same time it was difficult for him to ignore.science.or change his perception, but that he would not have a problem using their pronouns but was "afraid" of how things were going to change. How it was difficult to give your opinion nowadays, etc. But then he was reqlly into not seeing gender or sex? Or labels not existing. So I was really confused…
Then the topic of forced diversity came up, like forced diversity in movies, etc. That it was not helping minorities and only promotimg sterotypes etc. Like I get what he was going for, but WHY are people so focused on shutting down other people? Like yes you don't hate them but it almost seems like they bother you somehow. I don't know, he didn't say he hated anyone but left me a bad taste. I kept tryimg to understand what he didn't approve but he never gave me a straight answer.
I can be mature and understand what he was going for but I can only picture someone having deep down ugly views but trying to appear for the "good of all". Like those.men that bitch when you want to make something geared to woman and go "but what abour equality? It should be for men and women" when they never cared before whem things were more male centric. Same for white people getting mad about.some.jokes at their expense after decades of minorities being made fun of.
I just feel like I have a hard time debating these type of people. Anyone feel the same? Sorry for the rant, ir's a bit hard to explain.
You say he used to be a cop, so he's not anymore, it should be a good sign? I wouldn't call it a red flag right off the bat, talk with him in depth about the experience, what made him want to be a cop, how was it, what made him quit, maybe it's all fine.
My childhood best friend was in the military and later joined the police and she is still the same, good person, so there's hope.
I know 3 male and 2 female cops so very small sample size, but i agree. male cops seem to be more violent compared to the average guy. the woman cops were so nice to talk to though, i think it might be because they're in such a male dominated area that they crave female friendships a lot more. they genuinely show that they enjoy being around you.
(off-topic but still wanted to share)
People are allowed to not get along with their parents, it's how they manifest that.
People can have shitty male figures and overcome that
Playing video games is also fine? People can have hobbies?
Wtf do you mean by 'ghetto' and 'shady'?
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I think you should go with your gut anon, that's disgusting, especially knowing you'd been through it too.
I was dating an abusive
scumbag of a guy but the thing that made me really nope the hell out was not one, but two of his close friends were alleged rapists. Both on girls they'd either gotten drunk or spiked, and he was sat on my bed DEFENDING one of them and bragging that he'd slut shamed the girl on twitter or something? that she was a "slut" while drunk and asking for it? and if him threatening suicide and being generally disgusting wasn't enough, that sure was. They flock together and cover each other's backs- honestly anon, please be safe. He had absolutely no consideration of what you've been through and they sound like they don't really respect women either.
An insensitivity to rape when they know that you yourself have either been raped, molested or attacked has to be one of the biggest red flags.
IME, my ex dated a CSA victim
before me, I myself experienced CSA and surprise surprise the woman he cheated on me with had cptsd which is very often a reaction to CSA. This guy would hoover you up by being on his best behaviour in the early stages of the relationship and then he'd get emotionally abusive
and sexually pushy. The man got me to climax probably the first two times we were intimate and then for the following three years sex was one sided and I never came again. I was basically there to service him and given my past I fell into that role like I was on autopilot. I ignored the sick feeling in my stomach. Looking back I fully believe he exclusively dates sexually abused women to use that trauma to his advantage. He comes in like a white knight but ultimately leaves all his gfs even more damaged when he's done with them.
Be very careful who you share your story of rape (or attempted rape) with. Some guys love to use it against you.
I'm so sorry to hear this, what an absolute trashbag, reading this resonated with the abusive
ex I'd been with and I really feel for you. I hope someday he gets absolutely exposed to shreds so he can't keep doing the magical damage control nice guy reset thing. It's horrible that you confide in someone and they could be so cold and sick about it.
I've posted here before but the ex I dumped who was like this, as always he does this thing where publicly he pretends he's a ~~changed man~~ while sweeping all his abuse under the rug. Every single time he gets outed for something he just remakes all his social media and simps into dms of girls he finds vulnerable, pretending to be generous and all caring. One day he'll be unable to do this anymore. Men who repeat these same patterns then pretend like nothing happened honest to god make me sick.
>>145931> always playing the devil's advocate
so true, i understand that sometimes this is needed because you need to see the other point of view. but holy fuck some men really think they're "soooo intellectual" when they always defend the unpopular opinion.
this is especially a red flag when it's about social issues/ethics. some guys play devils advocate to try and justify abuse/violence etc. because they were not affected by it. guys who do this all the time lack basic empathy and it's impossible to argue with them.