/g/ - girl talk

I have the opposite of bpd. I befriend people and abandon them. Never had any pals growing up so I just… run away.

By all tests, I guess I count as avoidant. I feel bad for being weird and not being normal but I also don’t really care to change. I’ve been like this for my whole life. Unless I get deep healing I guess I’ll just have to mask

>>393399
No I'm pretty sure that's also a BPD thing.

https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
Here's a test for nonnies to take.

>>393399
I have diagnosed BPD and that's exactly what I do. I have bad news for you nonny.

>>393399
That's a BPD thing. You might not realize it, but you're basically testing the other person's devotion to you by abandoning them. Being abandoned by people you love is extremely painful, so you leave first so that you can have more control in the situation and spare yourself some of the pain. The movie Good Will Hunting is basically about a moid with BPD and him abandoning his love interest for that exact reason is a major plot point.

>>393501
I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I do this. It works too.

So what are some good books/therapy to help with bad attachment styles?

I'm definitely avoidant and been like that since I was a child. I stopped hanging out with some really good kids and I can't even explain why, I can't remember what I thought and felt back then, I just didn't want to go out and spend time with anyone, but I started thinking about it and regretting it much later in life. I would get stuck in toxic friendships where people ignored my avoidant tendencies (and my flimsy boundaries) and basically forced their "friendship" on me, and I couldn't stop it because I never fully realized my negative emotions. I kept hanging out with them because sometimes it was fun, and when these people were shitty to me I would just mostly repress my feelings about it automatically. I also sometimes believed one of them when she was guilt-tripping me. I ended up ghosting all three of them, although the relationships with two of them would gradually wither on its own because I changed and started reacting to their shit, we wouldn't talk for months and even years (not even because of conflict or something, that's just how it was), and I ghosted them when they made a final attempt at reconnecting. Maybe I didn't feel like I deserved good friendships deep down, which is pretty sad if this is the case. I would also sometimes encounter people that I could be friends with but I didn't initiate anything or failed to maintain it (stupid!), and I even remember being suspicious of some people that wanted to know me better.
The only two friendships that persevered were never demanding in a certain sense, one of them is kind of weird but it would be too long to describe and another one is kind of on-and-off thing, but it's never "off" because of conflict or anything, it just happens and then we start where we stopped so to say. It's pretty consistent for the last few years though, but my friend is in another country unfortunately. It's probably the only healthy friendship I ever had.

It's way more difficult with romantic relationships, and I'm not sure if I'll ever have one again. At first it feels like I want intimacy and special connection but then it becomes just too overwhelming and scary, and I think about breaking up very often. In all honesty, I think I even pick such relationships that are doomed from the beginning. I know why it's going to fail before it even starts, but for some time I ignore or diminish those things. These people didn't put effort and, fuck, I knew they wouldn't. I KNEW. I wasn't perfect either though. And when I tried to be better in my first relationship, I basically turned more anxious, and he more avoidant, and not just avoidant, in the end it was a narcissistic discard and it was brutal. I think I won't date anyone at least until I go to therapy, but honestly I think it'll be better for anyone if I just stay single. I feel much better single, too.

In general, I'm aloof and sometimes perceived as contemptuous. I can easily connect with people but only on a shallow level or if I know we're never going to see each other again. I struggle to maintain friendships and now that I live in stressful circumstances, I mostly feel nothing and I'm too emotionally withdrawn to be adequately involved in the relationships. I also don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I don't know how to get closer with people in newer relationships and I just stay overly formal like a fucking C-3PO. I also struggle really hard to reply in time and I ignore some people for days, weeks, months even at this point, and I realize it's bad for relationships but I don't FEEL anything about it. And if I show that I actually care or if I say I'm sorry, it won't even be true, and I really don't want to be fake.

I think it's a result of emotional neglect, toxic friendships/first relationship and bullying in my childhood and teenage years. But it can also be genetic? because my dad might be a schizoid or high-functioning autist or something (but also I know nothing about his childhood). I know my mom was neglected and psychologically abused by her mother, and by trying NOT to be like her she paradoxically repeated certain behaviors with me (which made me uncomfortable to share anything I find too personal). Basically I feel like I'm turning into a schizoid with age, and I've been "accused" of it even long before it.

>>393557
Im not trying to medfag, but seriously first of all thank you for sharing. Feels to me like the things you did back then were caused by emotions you couldn’t understand back then, if you can carefully reflect on what the circumstances were leading up to that point, you will understand yourself better.

>>393520
EMDR therapy, read up on codependency too.

The other day in one of my college classes (dumb philosophy thing) the professor described a hypothetical situation where someone raised without a source of unconditional love (like unloving parents) would always be loved only by their merits, and never be able to feel like they deserved love because they had never been given it for free. It upset me a lot and I teared up and hid my eyes so nobody would notice.
My entire life (without exaggeration, because this goes back to my infancy) I've been withheld unconditional love. My mom hated and resented me. My dad resented how she treated me (apparently) but preferred to keep the family together for my siblings's sake, so he did nothing about it.
I didn't have any extended family and generally couldn't make friends.
Nowadays I never feel that anyone likes me. I don't know how I'm supposed to be less insecure. Based on what? My friends in years past all eventually left me. I can't maintain a romantic relationship. Why should I believe any of my current relationships will work? What do I bring to the table? Nothing good enough for my own parents.
My academic advisor is annoyed at me for constantly apologizing for bothering him when I come in for academic help. I can't explain why I apologize because it would be inappropriate and overbearing to share my past history. I feel like garbage when I don't apologize for taking up the valuable time of others, because it's not like I can tell myself "I'm not annoying." I was annoying enough for my parents to withhold affection. That's pretty annoying.
What the hell am I supposed to do? "Get some self esteem." Based on what? Based on the fact that "I am worthy of love"? Not from my parents, lol.

>>393618
Is EMDR actually good? It's listed as pseudoscience.

>>393661
>Nowadays I never feel that anyone likes me. I don't know how I'm supposed to be less insecure. Based on what? My friends in years past all eventually left me.
I feel the exact same. I don't have any real friends anymore. I don't believe people stay, everyone leaves at some point. So I don't want to bother making any more friends. This is going to sound gay but people misunderstand me a lot and are judgemental so what's the freaking point? It all comes down to not wanting to fuck up any more relationships.

>>393685
Nta but I tried it for 2 years and it did absolutely nothing for me. Granted, neither did CBT, but EMDR felt particularly useless.

>>393691
Did anything work for you? CBT is useless to me and I wanted to try EMDR but can't find any providers for it that take my insurance, but now I'm skeptical

>>393691
>>393692
Have you tried mentalization based therapy? It's very successful in borderlines, so it could also help with attachment styles. I haven't tried it myself but I really want to. It's newer than CBT so it's hard to find in my country.

Not sure if I am avoidant or I am the way I am due to bullying and being treated like shit by my mother. I basically always anticipate to be hated and look for signs of criticism even in innocent remarks. This makes me hesitant to contribute to conversations and even if I do, I replay what I said a million times afterwards and dissect it and feel like I said the stupidest things and I feel horrible. In group settings I find it hard to follow the conversation and often zone out.

I also feel an almost schizophrenic level of separateness within myself, when I am with someone I trust and I know I won't be criticised, I can be myself and I behave in a completely different way than with people I don't trust where I'm mostly silent and morose. It feels like an inescapable situation where I feel like I have to like myself and have high self esteem in order to be liked and connect to people but until I'm liked and able to connect to people I will hate myself and think of myself as shit. Self-generated hell, basically

I'm anxious and I don't understand how people have secure attachment styles. I anxiously latch onto my partner and get told that I'm too clingy or needy, so I hardcore go in the other direction of "I am a strong independent woman and I don't care about anyone". It's miserable like this. It's always pain over partners that won't give me as much attention and I know it's not healthy either because I'm obsessive and codependent. But I don't know how to reel back without not caring at all. How are you supposed to care for someone without making it a massive priority and need?

My brain is wired wrong. I want hugs all the time, nuzzles all the time, non-stop. I am perpetually touch-starved and it's driving me up the walls.

I've tried to train myself to become used to not be so fucking clingy all the time but over 10+ years of trying it hasn't worked. I need the hugs. I'm constantly hugging and rubbing my face into my pillows while I'm alone at home. I wish I wasn't like this, it's not necessary to have or need this much physical affection but my brain doesn't care.

I think I might have anxious attachment. When I have a crush I get so obsessed and jealous and it is the only thing I can think of. I also have a habit of social media stalking to see if my crush liked any other womans pictures etc. I almost always find something and break my heart a little bit. When the person I'm talking to won't message me back fast enough I get really upset and cry about it like a little kid. Sometimes I also get angry and block as punishment which just hurts me even more or text something really passive aggressive which only pushes other people away. It is really hard to have the anger or fear get the best of me. I am just a very needy and insecure person and I don't know how to fix myself. I am already in therapy but my fear and the anger often win. Every time I care about someone or fall in love I think stuff like "they don't care as much as you do" or "you are too ugly/too stupid for them to even consider you as a girlfriend. They only go on a date with you because they are bored." "Your crush probably talks to ten other women that are way more beautiful and accomplished than you." This mindset is so ugly but I cannot help it. I long for love and someone who only ever looks at me. I have a really hard time communicating my feelings and needs. Like when someone doesn't reply to my message for a day I lash out and get angry and try to ignore the other person even harder to get back at them but what I actually want to say is "It hurts when you ignore me because you are important to me and I want to talk more with you." But I feel embarrassed about it and am not sure if I can be this vulnerable. I have a first date tomorrow and I'm already scared of rejection because I've already imagined us getting married and adopting 3 cats. How tf do I fix myself.

Fearful avoidance is tough to deal with. It's easy for me to become so attached to someone and want their attention, but it's so difficult to ask for it. What makes it worse is being with someone who doesn't reciprocate my love that I want to receive back. I start becoming codependent on men who don't know how to do so. Having a clingy man is satisfying. I just need one who doesn't have a temper. I've only been in a relationship with 4 men in my life and I'm making sure I tell the next guy I date straight up I'm considered needy, because I have needs.

I'm not sure what to do because the world has proven me that being avoidant is self preservation. People are too judgemental and they will misunderstand you. So don't ever get close, don't be yourself, keep it all in. No matter if they "want to know you" it's all a lie, don't trust mfs

I finally looked into attachment styles seriously and realize the fearful avoidant profile describes me. I used to think the anxious attachment fit me because I was anxious but consideration made me realize it wasn't the best fit. I took the test >>393488 mentioned and got it as well. It's nice having language for this specific way I'm fucked up, but I wish I understood this sooner.

Damn, I also got fearful-avoidant. Time to read up on whether I can unfuck my shit I guess

Anxious preoccupied. I’ve always been a victim of limerance. When I have a crush on someone it consumes my entire life, cannot think of anything else, I think about them literally every minute and feel anxious and sick about what they’re doing. Are they talking to another girl? Are they watching porn? Are they fucking someone else right now? I start spiralling and feel despair. I noticed I’ll often subconsciously crush on people who are physically or psychologically unavailable to me to stop myself from having any real chance with them, because I don’t believe I’m worthy of a connection with them. I just lament and yearn and cry. It’s so strange, almost like a form of involuntary self harm. I’ve always been this way, I’m assuming it comes from serious trauma in childhood and also from generally having self esteem that’s lower than the pits of hell.

>>394027
This.
If self preserving my ass after many people have shown me countless times that they can't be trusted and turn your vulnerability against you makes me someone heartless and abusive in the eyes of many armchair phycologists, then so be it idfc anymore.

>>407581
Ayrt, the worst part is when you're finally confident thinking "maybe not everyone is the same, maybe I shouldn't over generalize, maybe I can be my silliest truest self with some people!", something happens and it shows you people's true colors. Some people have bad intentions and some people are judgemental and it's hard to know who will be good and who will be bad. And some people already have stupid ideas of you in their minds based on extremely narrow interactions and you can't change them no matter what you do or try, it's out of your control. People gossip and are hypocrital and wish you the worst without even giving you a chance. That's life.

I'm pretty sure I'm an avoidant, and this is going to sound pretty mean, but I've always had a distaste for people of wanting to be wanted.

Nothing wrong with that but it can get really overblowned to the point that they're sacrificing their own individuality/interests/whatever in hopes that their crush/boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever will give them their approval. I've always found that and those types of people really pathetic.

Hence why I avoid romantic relationships. You kind of "lose" your sense of self in a way. You have to do beaty regimens to be attractive to them, sacrifice some time (like maybe hobbies) to be with them so that you don't neglect their emotional needs or whatever.

I just kind of dislike needy "please validate me, I need your approval" kind of people. Does anyone else feel the same way? Especially other avoidants?

>>440454
also avoidant, and i agree mostly with what you said. i can't for the life of me understand why someone would bend over backwards for the superficial approval of someone who doesn't give a fuck about them. how can you feel loved if they don't love you?

>be avoidant
>hate it
>hate the idea of changing even more
>hate the idea of being any other type even MORE
wtf do I do

>>394027
God somebody hears me… I have always hated being around people because i was gaslit a TON as a child. Was also gaslit a ton in school. My experiences were never validated by anyone. So it felt like a shitshow. I genuinely couldn't understand why people talked to each other? Like what are they getting in return? I mean I had a few friends but for the most part just assumed I'd only be able to relate to 2 people out of 100.

When i got older and i got stalked i basically blew a fuse and became somewhat psychopathic (numb, felt nothing, cruely indifferent to people who have a problem with me in my little world. I mean why shouldn't i want to escape? And who the fuck are you to tell me to chang it what difference would you make? You would just make me more miserable.

Its like you say, people are fucking cannibals. They wait for someone to stray from their misery scripts 99% of the time. But I can be equally cruel and indifferent to normies. I have made it my whole personality if they cross a line or get into my business i will rip their throats out.

Now I actually open up a lot online on reddit and women's subs but its hilarious I only trust opening up in places like that. With a real person I just keep their stupid corpse at arms length and shrug. Get the fuck away from me.

Post script I want to knife moids in the eyes!

Just kidding just kidding

Has anyone managed to "fix" their avoidant attachment style? I've looked into therapy and most of it is catered towards those in relationships, but my attachment issues are why I can't enter one.

>>440537
nope
i don't think my brain can be fixed. ever. i've come to terms with the fact that i am completely incapable of having a romantic relationship. i can have sexual flings. i cannot emotionally, mentally or physically handle romance/intimacy. being touched in an affectionate way repulses me, opening up and becoming intimately close scares me, shows of romantic love disgust me. i can handle platonic stuff from a few friends. that's it.

>>440529
You don't do anything because you are based as fuck

>>440531
Spoiler that shit, Christ.

One of my very unpopular opinions is that people have conflated obsession and possession with love (specifically romantic love) for so much time to the point that if one party just wants to do things for themselves for once, have some alone time or just isn’t like an open book ( I mean it in the context of people pretending from others to be vulnerable with them super early in the relationship), said party suddenly is the evil one for having normal boundaries apparently.
I think it’s unnatural that couples are expected to act like siamese twins and find that thing as goals - which is why I avoid romantic relationships like the plague and I find the platonic ones more authentic.
I have been at both extremes - anxiously attached to the point of making several fanfictions in my head that my romantic interest and even friends hate me and as a result I pushed them away and bawled my eyes out for nothing in the end. Then, I became what I hated in my first love - avoidant, which is the very attachment I have to work with. On one hand, I dislike it, but on the other, it kept me sane to be fair.
And I don’t even know if I’m fully avoidant or fearful avoidant since even basic things like having a full time job, hobbies, some alone time or family time and leaving your phone aside and not responding to texts asap makes you an evil avoidant (which is what I had experienced in my last relationship).
Glad I knew something at the age of 12 that romantic relationships are a loss of identity and freedom since everyone and their momma expect that shit. I wish I wasn’t right tho, given the very few experiences I had anyway.

>>440593
I can't even have sexual flings, honestly, even though I wish I could. My avoidance extends to intimacy issues too. I can live without romance but it gets in the way of my friendships too.

>>440642
>not responding to texts asap makes you an evil avoidant

This. Also why I don't get why people label "ghosting" via text as some evil, emotionally abusive act. Like omg I'll just maybe text you later? Or not. My battery's just drained okay.

>>440799
I think, in a way, instant messaging made people more entitled to other people’s time. And heck, 10 to 15 years ago that stuff wasn’t expected from you. Granted, data plans were fairly limited back then and social media wasn’t as big as it is now.
Also, what is considered ghosting is insane to me - you can ghost someone by just not answering one afternoon. Calling is an option if it really is urgent, but these individuals are above that apparently for some stupid reasons like “anxiety UwU”. Fam, you weren’t anxious when you berated me and started accusing me of cheating even for not being glued to my messaging app kek.

>>440799
I thought ghosting was when you completely ignored someone and never talked to them again, not just being late to respond.

I love my boyfriend thats why I want to be a better person all in all and I've been considering therapy for a while. Anyway, I'm extremely fearful that he'll leave once I open up more. I did that once to him during our talking stage because I was so afraid that he'll leave me first. So I left and did no contact for 3 months but after that I reached out and apologized for what I did .We've been together for 6 months now and Im happy to have him as my person though. I don't buy all the attachment theory bullshit it feels like psuedo science but out of curiousity i took an online test and said I was a Disorganized FA

I’m fairly normal towards my friends. Sometimes I’ll ghost and not speak to them for a bit because I start eating myself alive but it’s never detrimental. We’re adults, this is what’s normal for us. I think they assume I’m just busy with work. But, my poor fiancé, he won’t get a break. I even get jealous when he’s with his family. They all run a business so…that’s a lot of the time. I don’t spend much time with my friends. I have a best friend i text daily, and the rest are just colleagues or girls from med school. I speak with my fiancé daily, constantly. I start shaking and become immensely stressed without him. I’m currently sitting in our place, unsure of what to do without him. He’s been the only man to ever treat me right, but i don’t want to make him have me as another chore to deal with. He does so much. I pick up the slack at home, of course, because he genuinely just has responsibilities outside of me and i hate it. I loathe everyone he talks to. Why can’t we be a family and constantly be connected? It’s so awful. I feel so awful. I know it’s because I have a fucked up past and don’t want to confront it. I want to say he’s wrong, that maybe he’s even cheating, when he’s not. At all. I have to keep all these nasty things to myself. They’ve slipped out a few times before and he honestly seemed very understanding, but I’m ashamed to be myself. I hate being so attached….