/g/ - girl talk

promising thread idea, nonna!

Starting off the thread by just sharing a bit about where I'm at right now.
Last night I had a nightmare about my ex trying to contact me under a fake alias, then coming to my home to try to hurt me out of anger that I'm with someone new. It was pretty scary and I dunno, I'm wondering if I should have more of a safety plan prepared. We live in relatively distant states but he knows my address. I've avoided revealing my new relationship publicly or to friends who know him personally, sometimes I wonder if I'm being paranoid but I think I'll keep it up, at least until I feel ready to confide in more people about the past abuses so I'll have a stronger support system.
Overall my healing has taken a turn for the better, but as the acute feelings of despair/anxiety/etc. dissipate, I'm now wrestling with sorting out what old beliefs I'm still hanging onto. Sometimes it's mundane stuff, like… Someone told me that I walk pretty fast, which surprised me because my abuser ex was always rushing ahead and bumping into me, then getting mad at me and calling me slow. It seems like my memory isn't actually awful either, I just couldn't keep track of the myriad of supposed ways I was wronging him. I wonder what else I don't know about myself.
But overall it's kind of jarring that now there are people who genuinely like me and even look up to me in some ways, because my instinct feels like I ought to be on the bottom. My abuser wanted me to just sit down and shut up all the time (once he lamented about how much it sucks that I couldn't just literally sit and do nothing but wait whenever he was away) so it's sometimes hard to overcome the urge to be as small and invisible and minimally inconvenient as possible. I'm trying my best to just go along with people's kindness and thank them rather than reject it, but I feel like I'm still in the faking part of faking it until I make it. At core I'm wondering what people see in me.
I think that as long as I'm patient and don't dump any trauma too soon, I'm on a good path… but it's going to take a while

>>377787
It takes a long time but you can get your confidence back. I don’t want to blog too much about my own abuser but apart from the gaslighting and sexual abuse constantly, it was harping on my appearance when I was the kind of woman who got stopped in the street when we were together. He called me fat, he nitpicked my skin, he took unflattering pictures of me and showed them to me, it was endless. He compared my body parts to pornstars and forced me to watch porn while he detailed why she was better etc. if I had gotten therapy more quickly after escaping, I prob would have gotten myself “right” faster but I waited years. The good news is I love myself again and you can too. my abuser was an Italian guy btw, for anyone wondering if they should date one abroad. Don’t.

>>377815
My ex behaved very similarly nona. He was never ever physically abusive towards me (in fact he would say ‘yelling is abuse’ to shut me down in arguments) but mentally and verbally he was the most abusive manipulative and passive aggressive man I’ve ever met. I’m mixed race and he was white, so he would insult my nipple color, vagina color and skintone constantly. He would joke about how he didn’t want kids in case they ended up ‘sh*t skins’ like me. He would mock everything about my ethnic side, talk about how I would be prettier with a different eye color, forced me to watch porn and would send other womens nudes to me all day saying how much better it would be if I had x more desirable feature. I wasn’t good enough for him because my boobs were the wrong size, my waist wasn’t narrow enough, my hips bones didn’t protrude enough for him, my ass wasn’t round enough for him, I didn’t have Venus dimples, my thigh gap was too small, my calves were too big, made me go in fasts until I fainted etc etc. He would nitpick every single part of my body on the daily. He would masturbate to other women in front of me and leave porn on his screen to make me feel worse. He talked about wanting to smash my face in and throttle me, called me a cunt, a drama whore, a stupid bitch etc etc but didn’t dare put a finger on me irl luckily.

In the end I finally left him and realized he was just a miserable covert narcissist who was determined to make me feel shit because he felt shit inside too. For the longest time my confidence was in ruins and I didn’t leave the house for a year straight after the breakup because I felt like I looked like a monster and developed BDD because of him. Luckily now I’m over it and I don’t even take it personally anymore because I’ve realized there are tons of men out there who just exist to try and make women feel shit about themselves and even if it wasn’t you they’re doing it to, they’d be doing it to the next girl too anyway. Being in a relationship with a mentally abusive moid is basically being in a relationship with an irl internet troll, and it’s exactly as stupid and foolish as that. It doesn’t matter what you do or how perfect you are, there will always exist weirdo men who are determined to bring you down for no reason other than they want to ruin your happiness.

Anyone else like to find humor in the absurdity of retarded abuser logic? Sometimes when I'm in the right mood for it, I reminisce about stupid things he said and laugh about it because of how nonsensical and tragically not self-aware it is, it's the supreme form of irony. It's kinda dark but I feel like it genuinely helps me heal to be able to see how insane and clownish he was, it's just kinda impossible to share with other people most of the time. Sometimes I wonder about posting an excerpt (he loved writing out long autistic villain monologuing essays) with personal details blocked out here but idk if making fun of his gross twisted words is something that'd only be entertaining to me.

>>377865
When I look back on it, my abuser was like an overgrown child who would have tantrums over the most retarded shit. I felt horrible when he would do things like blame me for taking him to restaurants that weren't up to his standards but now I see that he acted exactly like a child. My abuser also would say retardedly villainous shit too, mostly centered around how he wanted to kill his family.

I am currently in one I tried leaving 3 times, he is the only one with a job and we have a child together. I feel stupid, I have always been reserved and somewhat anxious but now I’m Infuriatingly a shut in. I was not working but now I am and I am saving up to leave him, I’m going to ghost him because he let me stay with him and then kept licking me out then drawing me back in. I still think of all he has said and done and I abused him back because I was scared and I felt cornered. I punched his face so hard he had a black eye and i scratched him so hard he still has a scar I drew blood I’ve smooshed his nuts before, and I was mad and I’m not even violent but he KNOWS how to piss me off. He calls me a bad mom and a whore when he’s mad and stupid and retarded. When he gets mad he doesn’t even hit me he chokes or restrains me and i get so scared and one time I swore I was gonna call the cops and I didn’t wanna wake my baby but he kept escalating and he was telling me he was tired of me and he was holding my phone so I finally got it from him and then he started crying and telling me he loved me, “please don’t call the cops, this will never happen again. I love you.” We “made up” (realistically nowhere to go, on a waiting list for a womens shelter and my family is abusive and also on drugs.) we had sex that night and he acted extra sweet to me and held me as I was sobbing. He spoiled me for the next few days. It was just… I don’t know I felt like I could get used to it almost. We are currently normal but we got into a fight a few days ago it hasn’t escalated physically since the almost calling the cops incident. I can feel him start to get mad sometimes. It happens so easily, even when I am not bothering him it could be the tiniest disagreement and he’ll flip out and I get so scared, my throat feels full and my heart beats fast like my body physically braces itself. And we have sex a lot. Every time we do i disociate. I just get scared when he’s near me but I have to do everything I can so he doesn’t get mad. I only go to the library or to the store for peace. But even then I dread going home. To be quite honest I’m sad I have to leave him, but I will. We have pictures up of all of us going to Disneyland, the zoo, wedding and just picnics and awards hanging up, he spoils me when he’s not mad and I have nice clothes and stuff because of him. I didnt work and had lots of time to go to the park, exercise, and just do whatever I please. We live in a nice house and I get used to everything but it’s hellish when he’s mad and I can sense when he starts to get mad and then I remember how he was and can get. Maybe I should’ve called the cops that night. Sometimes I’ll just get flashbacks in the middle of the day while things are still normal. And I try not to cry while going about my day. I feel like I have nobody and I’m responsible for the hell I’ve created. I see women all over online say not to have kids because men can’t be trusted and I keep my mouth shut. They are right, I don’t regret my baby but I’m so sad for her. I question my judgement too. Like why didn’t I see it before? And I don’t want her to not have a dad but no dad is better than an abusive one. Please pray for me!

>>377881
Nona, you are very strong for looking towards leaving and I can tell that you're looking out for your baby as best as you can. We all blame ourselves and feel stupid for ending up in these situations and even having some good memories, and it happens even to very smart and responsible women (and I'd argue especially to compassionate women), it's just that sadly not everyone understands. Not actively resisting every act of abuse does not mean that you didn't do enough to stop it, sometimes your intuition understands that it would be unsafe or that you are too drained of energy to do more, and it's normal for women to lash out after enduring a lot.
It depends on how trustworthy your local resources are but if you feel safe about it, you can talk to the police (non-emergency number) even if it's not an acute crisis and let them know your situation so they can respond fast if anything happens. And I will pray for you definitely (if you're someone who prays out of a certain faith/religion, there can sometimes be ways to connect with free support through that, like women's groups or aid with food). I wish you the best, hope is very possible.

>>377865
"i will kill you AND your cat"
i kind of lost it and laughed in his face. whatd my cat do to you kek.
>>377874
i kept rolling my eyes at him in my head. he would craft his self-image after cartoon villains, from voldemort to fascist dictators. he made being british a major personality trait of his, and dressed like a golfing grandpa in attempts to look "vintage" (he did not understand silhouette). he tried to speak like a posh eton boy despite being new money middle class. he played around with various religions, based on how edgy they were. ultimately he converted to "fundamental baptism" after watching steven anderson on youtube. that's the kind of guy he was.
he threw a deodrant bottle across my room because i set down his dinner plate on the table "with attitude unbecoming of a woman". he said "i will NOT be having it, anon!" his whole larp was so goofy and tryhard.
he ruined the word "modest" for me and made me hate vintage fashion for a few months.
ultimately i humored him, because i knew he is deeply insecure and that he hates women because the women in his life were retarded. i thought that if i show him the world, he will realize the error of his ways. i also thought he'll grow out of being an edgelord. he never did, so we broke up after he called me a bitch (because i said i do not like nick fuentes).

thankfully he was not the skilled manipulator he saw himself as, and i could just leave. i know this sort of thing isn't funny to those who are genuinely trapped in such relationships.
he thought he had me around his finger, because i let him think that. instead of feeling comfortable with my loyalty towards him, he got more confident in using me as a punching bag. i regret humoring his ego and being patient with him.

>>377849
Not the one you replied to but your post breaks my fucking heart because I'm in the same situation. I'm white and was made to feel like a masculine gross tranny for not being a tiny asian, his preference. These covert narcissists will automatically think of you as dirt if you love them, because they know they're worthless. So you loving someone who's worthless is pathetic in their eyes.

I struggle doing my makeup and working out these days. I feel so fucking ugly because of him. I met someone new who worships me, but I'm just waiting for him to turn on me and start slaughtering me like the last narc did. I feel nothing when he tells me I'm sexy. I'm just waiting for the abuse to begin. They destroy you forever. I feel so disgustingly hideous.

>>377898
Mine started "joking" about how he would love to see my cat get tortured by those east euro animal abusers who make gore videos and then was genuinely confused when I lost my cheery mood and started sulking away from him when he wouldn't apologize. He couldn't comprehend what was wrong. Then hours later he came to me and was all like "hey so I just realized that if you said that about my dog I'd hate your guts forever, so I guess I kinda get why you're upset" like it was some grand revelation.
He'd get jealous of my cat and whine about me looking at pictures of her or saying I love her (instead of HIM!! Why not gush over him instead???). He'd try to dampen my opinion of her by bringing up times she accidentally scratched me or something even though he hurts me on purpose and she never does. A grown man getting insecure over a cute cat, kek.

>>377898
That’s so funny that you say he tried to craft a posh identity, my Italian abuser ex did the same. He was from the far far south and was clearly very self conscious about how southerners are viewed in a city like Florence, and he fancied himself an academic which was a giant LOL. I laugh now at his attempts to be so elegant and elitist, wearing blazers on 100 degree days and forcing me to walk with his arm over my shoulders. What a fucking loser, and he was ten years older than me too. Sometimes I like remembering one of the few times I stood up to him and also made him look dumb in front of others. I paid for it later but it was worth it and it still makes me proud today

>>377925
My ex was SEETHINGLY jealous of my best friend because she is beautiful and likes and dates women and I also like and date women. He thought because she had short hair at the time she must be a predatory lesbian who wanted to steal me away. Never mind that we are not each others types and that’s such a devaluation of our friendship. He was so pathetic. ALL our exes ITT are pathetic!!!!!

>>377928
My ex was also paranoid of my friends mainly because he had none himself and I felt like he didn't want me to have any friends. He cheated on me multiple times yet he would accuse me of cheating on him when I was hanging out with my friends. These fucking loser exes seriously are all the same.

reading this thread it struck me how all these men behave in exactly the same way!!
i recently left the apartment i've been living in with my abusive bf to stay with my family and he's been blowing up my phone telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how he just wants me to come back… it falls so flat to me and makes me feel even worse because just weeks ago he was telling me how he hates me and wishes i would disappear and nobody loves me and i'm less than worthless lol. i feel stupid for forgiving him over and over again and not just leaving before we moved in together. i keep trying to tell him that it's over between us but he keeps calling me crying and refusing to take no for an answer. i am scared of him and not sure what will happen if i really put my foot down and block him. since staying with my family i stupidly saw him twice and the last time we were together he hit me in the throat and refused to drive me back to my parents house. i feel like such an idiot for even starting a relationship with him when there were so many red flags. i feel too ashamed to tell my parents what really happened but i feel like i should so they can prepare if he decides to do something crazy? idk. i just wish none of this ever happened!!! sorry if this is an unnecessary amount of blogging

Idk if this was abusive but one of my ex's friends started dating an 18 year old girl still in HS, during his mid 20's. The relationship moved very fast and after like 2 years they were already engaged. The girl's life changed a lot because of this. Then suddenly in the 3rd year she dumped him. Boy I was so glad. This guy was a serial coomer who masturbated in the university bathrooms. He watched lots of porn and slutty tiktoks. He was a very hateful person and said terrible things about his ex gf (who did not deserve it). I met him recently and he is still full of rage due to the break up and told me he wants to get back together but also wants to punch the girl. He wants to make her suffer like she did to him. I don't think he would but who tf says that about someone you supposedly want to marry?
I hope this girl seriously moves on and finds someone better. She's apparently still sad about the break up but god I hope she moves on.

>>377941
I would take any threat of violence seriously and let this woman know that. My ex was a dweeby-looking guy that most people would assume is harmless but he threatened violence a few times and I later learned he actually once assaulted his own mother. He restrained me and raised his fist towards me shortly before I left him for good.

>>377943
It’s the dweeby looking ones who are often the most violent. The most physically abusive guy I know was super short and skinny. He actually killed his ex gf too.

>>377961
my most forceful and cruel ex was a baby faced manlet

>>377939
Unless your parents are the type to blame you for abuse and/or tell you to go back to him, you have to tell them. You need support. If it feels too much to say it out loud, then write a letter and hand to them or something. You will absolutely feel less ashamed, and it will eventually disappear, once you have people in your life who can provide emotional support.
Stop talking to him. Don't block him if you think he's dangerous but stop answering the phone when he calls.
Since you think he's dangerous, contact a domestic violence group in your country. They can help with coming up a plan to cut him out of your life in a way that minimizes or eliminates the danger.
Don't blame yourself or feel ashamed. You gave someone you cared for the benefit of the doubt and most of the time that works and the person turns out be decent or, at worst, just a jerk. Unfortunately, this time it didn't work out but that's not your fault, it's his.

Want to leave my emotionally abusive shitty relationship of 3 years but we live together. A tale as old as time but my city is in a housing crisis. Rents skyrocketed and the cost of breaking up is daunting. I saw one estimate in an article that leaving a live in relationship can cost up to $15,000. Lucky we don’t have kids. I could leave and afford to but I would like more savings so it wouldn’t be such a financial hit to move out and start again. Every day I wonder Can I last 6 months in this miserable situation so I’d be in a better position to gtfo. Some days are better than others but always I’m made out to be insane and the problem. The fights are so bad, not physical but still scary. I hate it! I hate being treated this way but I feel angry that I would be screwing myself financially leaving now. Maybe I can be checked out and surviving in the meantime.

>>378048
Do you have family or friends that you could stay with until you get your own place?

>>377927
lmfaooo the "hold my elbow mlady"… he watched too many of those 50s ettiquette tv clips on youtube.
the funniest thing is that he was a high school dropout, and i was studying in the same university as most of the royalty. he really didnt like that. kept saying shit like "anyone can get into universities, even my sister is in one and shes dumb" and "women don't need degrees anyway, i don't know why youre there because people only go to university to drink and party". i felt bad for him so i entertained his rants.
allegedly he's a tate stan now, and im not even suprised if thats true.

I’m stuck does anyone have advice for dealing with a moid who gets mad at me for every little thing? I’m trying so hard but to no avail I don’t even like him anymore but I just don’t wanna live scared so I just try keep him happy I’m very miserable

>>378211
leave him?

>>378211
Leave him. I know it's scary but it will be the best thing you do in the long run. As long as you keep no contact and take precautions, it's unlikely he will strike back. If it warrants it, a restraining order can be helpful too and will give him a clear message to fuck off.

>>378211
Do you have family that supports you? Friends? Are most of your friends his friends? What’s keeping you in here?

>>378231
>>378278
I tried to I don’t have any family or friends, i was in a shelter but they kicked me out and I had to come back it sucks
>>378445
I was financially dependent on him and he rescued me from my abusive family only to turn out to be shitty himself

>>378211
Yes nonna, you numb yourself, have a good cry and leave. Literally moids are gonna act like this once they’re done with you.

Can we talk about physical abuse?

I'm free from that relationship now but I'm kind of struggling with this because I feel like there's less understanding out there for this, at least among younger women. A lot of the current abuse discussion leans heavily on advocating the "emotional abuse is real abuse too!" point, which I 100% agree with because that part was definitely more painful, but I feel like it really dominates the conversation and I never hear about the experience of grappling with physical abuse. I feel like some people almost seem to see it as some less relevant thing that happens to older housewives or really poor women in unsafe areas; I'm 20 and relatively well-off and I guess it can feel like nobody else in my demographic understands because it never seems to be talked about.

Or it feels like people will think that I must have been basically asking for it, because I feel like people might understand falling for something like gaslighting, but will think that I must be a complete and utter retard for not fleeing ASAP as soon as things got physical. Or even think that I must've enjoyed it as some kink thing (barf, abuser thought that)

It's not what was the most painful but it's probably one of the things I feel most ashamed of. Just remembering how I'd worry about how to hide bruising or how I'd grovel to him begging for comfort after getting strangled by him, because I felt like I couldn't let anyone else know why I was hurt. It makes me feel so stupid. I am really struggling to not feel like I was basically complicit at times when the abuse wasn't even veiled or sugarcoated, but just out in the open, and yet I didn't leave.

>>382745
I've not been physically abused so I can't speak from a personal experience but I am very sorry that happened to you, anon. I've noticed something similar to what you mentioned, in that older people will kind of give me a look if I mention I was in an abusive relationship and say no when they inevitably ask if they hit me. Younger people are more understanding. A generational thing, I guess? Though I think physical abuse is more tricky in general because a lot of people have never experienced it and don't see it as something complicated. "I would never let someone hit me" kind of thinking. Even though emotional abuse is always present in physical abuse, too. Sending you love.

Does anyone struggle with feeling like you're a worse off person because of your abuse? That you became guilty of similar things your ex did because you feel unloveable and broken? It took me years to recognize my own toxicity in my relationships following my abusive ones and I feel like a piece of shit for it. I repressed my abuse and thought that meant it didn't affect me, but I only came to realize that they did a lot more damage than I thought

I never had great self esteem but after my shitty relationship it's never been this bad. I can't stand to look at my face or body. I feel like everyone is watching me in public. I'm not even comfortable in private, I feel the same judgmental eyes on me when I'm alone. The same disgust and shame. Being happy and shamelessly enjoying things are foreign to me now, there's a layer of deep shame and embarrassment to everything I do no matter how inconsequential. I worry that people think I'm weird and a fuckup but are just too polite to mention it to my face. He was big on that, scolding me after family gatherings or time with friends that I thought went fine but actually "you shouldn't have done/said xyz" Scolding me in public for "acting autistic" because I was embarrassing him and didn't realize. Looking back I didn't do anything wrong, he was the one that was insecure. Even knowing this I can't bring myself to enjoy things. I don't participate in my hobbies anyone, including the big one that was a huge part of my life and very important to me at some point. All of my interests were stupid, or childish, or not being utilized as a way to make money and thus a waste of time. It feels like my fun quirky personality was drained away and what's left is this anxious, neurotic shell of a human being. Not even a human being, I feel like a prey animal most of the time. Feeling weak, vulnerable, exposed, and afraid 24/7. It's exhausting. I'm getting better, I'm feeling more like myself again, but I wish it would happen faster. I've been saying "I feel a little more like myself again" for 3 years now. I know I'm making progress but it feels like I'm stagnating. I want to be who I used to be so badly. More of a vent so sorry, post got away from me

>>382893
I relate anon. I was a lot meaner during my relationship and I'm still more cynical and judgmental of others than I'd like to be.

I've been out of my abusive relationship for 4 years and I still feel some sadness at having betrayed myself because I was too afraid of being alone. I didn't even like my ex as a person and I knew it, but I didn't think anyone else would want me as much as he did.

The only thing that took the day-to-day feeling of physical-emotional pain was a few rounds of ketamine IV therapy. Once I shook off the pain I kept feeling (ptsd? I felt bad about it every day and it was never centered around missing my ex) I was able to accept that I let myself down and didn't respect myself while I was in that relationship.

>>382745
I remember talking about my physical abuse ordeal on reddit and asking for insight, and within 12 hours got messages from dozens of horny coomer moids harassing me with bdsm and kink shit and saying they jerked off to my post. It made me too embarrassed to talk about physical abuse again tbh, because I know most men are thinking ‘she probably deserved it and that’s hot’ and there’s so many pickmes nowadays who fetishize being slapped, choked and hit. It just makes me want to not talk about it at all.

Sometimes the verbal abuse my ex gave me makes me laugh now bc it was just so ridiculous. Like saying he wanted to be patrick bateman so he could kill me, it was just so cringe lmao. Or threatening to mutilate me bc I asked if he could please tell me if he was coming home for dinner or staying at his friends place.

>>382932
You sound so much like me after I left my ex six years ago and I just wish I could hug you or give you some comfort. It takes a lot of undoing to get that conditioning out of your mind but it can be done. I am happy to tell you that now I don’t think about him at all really, and that my self esteem is higher than it’s ever been — but it took a lot of work to get here. I’ll never forget what happened and neither will you but you won’t feel this horrible forever nonna ♥ if you can, start doing small things you used to love that make you feel confident in your abilities even if it’s just making a fucking grilled cheese. Your abuser made you feel worthless because that’s how HE felt and that’s what HE was. I am here to tell you that you have so much worth and he is a miserable fuck and always will be.

I had two very abusive boyfriends. Was even engaged to the first. The first relationship we meet when I was 16, moved in together when I was 19, he was 21. First night he hit me. Should have left then but we had history, we were young and when people who say they love you hurt you, you want to forgive them. That's strength not weakness. I came from an abusive home where my mother beat me and that boyfriend was aware. I had to spend a Christmas with his family when I was still in school and they were like guardians which made it more difficult when their son became abusive and controlling when he got his "own" household.

So basically I began therapy around 23 for family issues on the bequest of my father. It was during this phase when I was working through other issues and gaining self worth I was like nah why live with a violent douche? And my dad was going to pay a deposit to get us a house and took a big interest when I got engaged. He just wanted me to be happy after feeling bad about the break down of our family and knowing I got left to have all the grief and despair taken out on me. So I was working one day, ex fiance was at home because he was unemployed of course and I had to pick up blueprints for our new house for the builders. He can drive and has a car but I still had to take my lunch break to do an errand he could have, all he needed to do was mark where he wanted the electrical outlets in our new build and I let him to decide because his main passion in life is tv, computers and gaming. Homeboy getting a free house with only me going to be the one working towards the mortgage and he couldn't even do a task that was intended to be a treat for him (he was getting to design a studio for himself, he pretends he's a painter took him 2 years to finish a painting my dad commissioned from him to help his website and portfolio.) So I come home on the lunch break. Nothing is done. I'm just flabbergasted and go "So what kept you too busy to do this?" (Also this wasn't a night before assignment he has a week or so). He put hands on me and dragged me around the kitchen. I had to return to work bruised and cut and they let me go early. No one ever asked me about the incident or details just that I had been hurt. So i left to go back home where he was. We had pets so I sorted them all, then took the dog for a walk. I wasn't back to work for a few days and didn't know how to approach anything. The next day he caught me looking at stuff for a course I was deciding to do and he asked me about and I got animated and excited talking about a new passion and he dismissed it. He wasn't violent or aggressive he was just down right cold towards something I cared about for myself and then it finally clocked this cunt hates me lol. I just got up and went and got a suitcase and started packing it. He begged me not too. I moved back home and he thought we could be friends for some fucking reason. I just let him think that and replied sparingly to his texts until I could get my pets back. Last time we saw each other was a supermarket and we both looked and meet each other in the eyes and he beamed this gay charming smile and started walking over and I just shook my head and ducked behind a partition that was see through then walked off. Never turned back to see his reaction.

Second abusive boyfriend did more violent stuff, and you would have thought after the first one I would have been more equipped to deal, but the passion I was talking about pursuing with the first came to fruition and I ended up on an honours degree and then got my masters. I had my own place by this time and while it would have made more sense to be absolutely rid of boyfriend number 2, but I kept him at a distance. We did have good times and again I tried to rationalise and make excuses I think that's how I'm conditioned because I ended up forgiving my mum through therapy for abuse. Again I left the second bf not immediately after a fight but during a conversation where I as an individual felt invalidated in my own goals and thought of as lesser or not able to achieve things or do anything independently. Second boyfriend had a stick up his arse about my father financially helping me since I never got the house the first time as I didn't want to be tied to a town my ex choose and I didn't particularly care for. I just remember walking out of boyfriend 2 house to his complete shock during a non intense conversation, I didn't look back to see his daft face either. Both men have tried to contact again and I haven't gave them the privilege. All they care about is making an impact on you, if you show otherwise or that you've grown positively since them that's revenge in my eyes. They should die alone, confused and miserable.

The last time a man (bf2) was abusive towards me was in 2018. I took years to myself as something still hadn't twigged evidently and i had a lot of self work to do. I also started working in my new field and gaining confidence. 2021 I met my current boyfriend. He's older by nearly 7 years. Mature. Has his own place. Managed to not have any children or a failed marriage. Keeps fit and healthy. Has a healthy family dynamic. Very good job. Handsome. Tall. He's never raised his voice at me. When I first met him we were talking about our past and I did mention I was engaged but I hadn't spoke to the guy in nearly 10 years and he was the last guy I lived with. My bf just said then and there then it's time you found someone to love you with respect and he's done that every day since we've met. He cleared out a room for me in his house and made me my own walk in closet. He calls me and his little cat his two loves. He takes me and my mum out on little dates together and drives her car so me and her can have drinks and he flirts just the right amount with her and offers his arm to her when we're walking about lol. He's great with my brother and my dad. When I'm busy at work and cant stay over he makes up a little care package for me with cooked meals and treats. I'm still kind of skeptical a man can be so pleasant but I really hope 2018 will be the last time a man physically harms me.

Also sorry guess I did go on about stuff lol. Essentially I want to say although we've all been victims of abuse that doesn't make us weak. Not at all. I would wager not giving up on someone you love is a sign of strength, its their weakness that made them hate someone that wanted them to be more than their flaws. They couldn't cope that you saw them for more than what they viewed themselves. I try to remember in my heart that I love strongly and I tried my absolute best and everything I could to try and make something work and it fell flat. So I choose to believe in love and it will be met if you have pure intentions. I hope I never come to lolcow to vent about my current bf or confess to some horrible fight. I simply believe I've finally done the work on my self esteem to never be in a situation where someone close to me will physically hurt me.

Nonas, how do you stop yourself from getting tangled up with your emotionally abusive ex again? I just initiated a break up 3 days ago and he is doing a lot of love bombing like pleading with me and buying me treats and making promises to change. I am trying my hardest to stay firm but it's so hard. We still live together in separate bedrooms until I move out next week and he's trying so hard to get me to stay. I feel foolish because the rational side of me knows he's going to go right back to verbally abusing me in a month maximum, but the emotional side of me is so easily swayed.

>>383030
Can you stay somewhere else until you move out? Even someone’s couch or hell even the floor. Block all his numbers. And have someone with you when you collect your things.

Seriously.. don’t take him back.

>>383030
Ask yourself: where were all these nice things, all these rosy platitudes he's now pulling out of his ass, when he was mistreating you? If he wanted to change, if he wanted the relationship to serve more than just himself, why is it now, in the face of your inevitable exit from his life, that he suddenly sees the light? Does he only comprehend the error of his ways when there are tangible consequences to his actions? If he truly meant to treasure you, to treat you as well as you deserve, it wouldn't take the threat of you leaving to properly motivate him.
Be strong, keep focused, and when you leave don't look back.
And I second the couch surfing suggestion. If you can get out early, do it and don't do it alone. Be safe.