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Something similar happened to me, but you can't put that on yourself. Your mom was an adult and made a lucid choice to not go. Not to say that's her fault for not going, but it's certainly not your fault for not calling 911. It's a part of grieving to think about what you could've done/shouldn't have done, what you could have done differently, etc. Nothing is your fault though.
I would suggest you get into therapy or at least find a good support group. I've found a few groups on Facebook that have helped me to cope with the loss I experienced. So sorry that you're going through this, anon.
I'm not diagnosed with anything but I have PTSD-like symptoms whenever I get into confrontation because of the way my cluster B mother used to aggressively harass and verbally abuse me growing up. It happened whenever I tried to stand up for my almost non-existent boundaries or even mildly disagree with her. She'd have a bad day at work (which was every day cause she was a teacher who hated her job and hated most kids), so she'd come home and take her anger out on me. If I didn't know what to make for dinner, or if I didn't try to make her happy and answer to her perkily, she'd ensue a literal 4-6 hour bitchfest against me where she'd go full circle breaking me down about everything wrong with me and how she was the victim somehow. If I tried to go to my room, bathroom, or anyplace to distance and calm down she'd follow me yelling. Even at her mildest–which was passive aggressive–when I'd walk away she'd talk angrily to herself about me to try to instigate the fighting once more, imagine getting baited by your own parent. Once she got so bad that when I locked myself in the bathroom to call my stepdad about her out-of-control behavior, she heard me talking and busted down the door to yank the phone away and got in my face screeching at me. I slapped her so hard I knocked her glasses clean off her face. She threatened to call the cops and ruin my life and played up like a huge victim, but obv she didn't cause she had no case but to embarrass herself. I remember her bitching at me sometimes from 4-5pm all the way until 9 or 10pm. If I was lucky, her vitriol ended around 7 or 8pm, or she took a nap as soon as she got home so she wasn't in as bad a mood. It didn't happen every day, but at least a few times a week. Maybe once to zero if she was having a good streak. Some people remember their mothers as nurturing and loving, yet I remember mine as a faker and a tyrant.
During confrontation, my throat tightens to the point of discomfort. My mouth becomes incredibly dry, my mind races, and I can't formulate logic then I fumble my words. Tears form in my eyes because of experiencing the aforementioned, mom's mean voice reenters my head, I can feel the other person getting smug because they think I'm weak when I'm silent and look ready to cry. It's like I revert back to a childlike state of just staying silent and freezing because it's too hard to fight with these physical effects and the mental torment.
During arguments I always try to keep on task and address only the points, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to get really personal and start attacking the opponent just like how they made me feel attacked and defensive. Any tips on how to counter this would be appreciated.
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>>141085>Avatarfagging>Pepe reaction .gif
I get if people post too many reaction pics, sure it can be annoying, but its literally a Pepe meme. Like, pretty common in chan culture at this point. It would be different if someone kept posting their gay anime husbando constantly, but pretty lame nitpick here.
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The most autistic users on this site think that because they can pick out two posts from the same person they've identified complete newfaggotry. It's a small board, if you spend too much time on here and remember this much shit about the users then yeah, maybe you will catch "the same anon" posting the same reaction image with the same filename or some shit but at that point kill yourself
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Raped at like 5 years old by what I think was one of my brothers friends (cocsa, they were in their teens/tweens probably) underneath the deck of the back of our house.
All I remember thinking he was cute and always looking at him before that, him asking me some shit like if I want to feel good, it actually feeling good, then afterwards crying in my moms bed.
Not sure if I blocked it out of my memory until 6th grade or if thats just when I started actually thinking about it, but yeah, everything came back to me around there and I started showing ptsd symptoms for the next 3 years or so (around 11-13). Didnt get any help, never spoke about to anyone besides randos online, just became a mess thinking about it a lot before deciding to repress it all. Self harmed and skipped a lot of school cause of it.
Realized small things like the reason why I had a vivd memory of things like getting a body checkup at the doctors but my twin not getting one, the reason why me and my sis moved with our mom the next 2 years, among other things, were probably because of that.
I’m apathetic when thinking about it now, unless I think too hard and get sad/angry.
Aside from that I got groomed online when I was 14 to 16. Luckily it was just roleplay shit, no actual pictures or anything. But it was almost every night for like half a year at one point. Was aware of the situation and felt gross, I knew his age but I never told him mine, so I felt like it wasnt so bad. But on my 16th he asked how old I was, I said guess, he said around 17. yikes. Lost virtually whatever interest I had in him left right there.
My dad died when I was 4 and all I remember about him is him yelling at mom or locking me in my room and telling me snakes were going to kill me.
My mom got with an abusive guy after that and was with him for about 10 years. He moved us to his super rural hometown. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and my siblings (I'm the oldest and still carry weight for not being able to take care of them.) I had to cook, clean, and babysit newborns starting at 8 years old. I was in and out of foster a few times for reasons outside that abuse but I kept my mouth shut and never said anything about how we were treated because I was scared.
Sexual abuse started when I was around 10. I would wake up and he would be drunk and just sitting on my bed, watching me. Eventually he started touching me and I just pretended to sleep. After a while he started putting his hands down my pants and shirt if no one was around if I was sitting at the computer or doing dishes. Just anywhere I might be alone for a second.
It started escalating into him getting very controlling when I was around 13. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone online, I couldn't visit friends, he picked out my clothes or at least would tell me to cover up even for wearing basic t-shirts. I was so scared and miserable all the time. I felt disgusting and hopeless. The few times I gave any sort of push back he acted in very extreme ways. He made me put a glow in the dark star on my head and pointed a gun at me in the dark, he kicked my cat and threw her off the porch, and the last time he just threatened to go into my sister's room instead. I remember him getting angry with me when I started to grow pubic hair. He would pull on it so hard and tell me to shave it off. Another time I came up from the basement because I was playing video games with my brothers and he shoved his fingers inside of me at the top of the stairs to "see if I was wet."
Things kind of came to a head when he had complications related to his diabetes and had to go to the hospital for a few days and my mom went off binge drinking somewhere and CPS got involved once again. I just turned 15 at this point. They ended up taking us and separating us. Somehow a letter from him ended up in my hands and he wrote about how much he loved me and how we could run away together if I could just give him a phone call. I still feel so disgusting, like I allowed everything to happen and it was my fault he felt that way about me.
I reported everything a few years ago, just the other week the case was officially closed due to lack of evidence. Tbh it's what I was expecting but I really thought it might help. It didn't lol, it just brought up everything all over again. I really wish I said something back then. For so long it literally didn't affect me. Once I got out of the situation the only thing I felt was happy to be out of that situation. I am only now reaching out to get proper help.
I am so sorry anon, reading your story made me sick to my stomach and so upset for you. If you ever want to talk or anything, I’m here, albeit anonymous. I went through something pretty similar and parts of your story rang true for me. Seriously just know that you are not alone here.
For me it was my stepdad and it started when I was around 4 or 5. It went on until I finally told my mom when I was like 16, almost 17. I won’t go into gory details because there’s too much and we’d be here for a century. My mom got the law involved and it became a huge mess from there.The case ended up being dragged on for years because of bullshit court reasons or whatever. It happened this year and the result was him being found not guilty due to lack of evidence. I spent years having to dig my trauma back up to recount it to the district attorney and other legal figures involved and get up on the stand and face the motherfucker only to basically be called a fucking liar. I’m so bitter and depressed and…. just a million different negative emotions. That outcome was my worst fear and it became a reality. The only way I can continue on with my life anymore is if I don’t think about it because once I do I just want to kill myself.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It depends on how far along you both are in your recoveries. Because sometimes it's best to insulate yourself from the trauma but once you have the mental fortitude to do so, the long-term answer is often to address it directly.
If thinking about the trauma is causing panic attacks, depressive thinking, like you cannot touch on it at all without utterly breaking down, then protect yourself with anything that makes you happy. Indulge yourself, be lazy, watch and listen to cheerful and upbeat media and try to talk to friends & family who can help you focus on other things. Remember where you are and that you're safe in the current moment. Look into mindfulness meditation.
When you're doing a task, really be there. Focus on your senses even for mundane shit. If you're doing dishes, how does the water feel? What does it sound like? Does the soap smell nice? The water is reflective. It sounds silly but even activities that are normally boring can become fascinating when you take the time to actually notice everything going on. The bonus being that you'll be fully engaged in the here and now, not thinking about what happened in the past. When you have an intrusive thought, drag your attention to your immediate surroundings and use your senses again. Name things. Green trees. Blue house. Grey street. It smells like dry grass. I hear a lawnmower. The wind is cool. Drag yourself away from the bad thoughts again and again. You may have to do it hundreds of times, but eventually you'll start training yourself to redirect automatically.
If you can think about what happened without completely retraumatizing yourself, then you can start examining it to determine what is really disturbing you. Of course, abuse/assault is innately disturbing on many levels, but how it affects each individual will vary. For example, maybe you feel that what happened to you somehow makes you a filthy or less worthy person. The reality is that you were wrongfully placed in a terrible situation and were not at fault, so you need to rebuild your sense of self worth. Or maybe the trauma is making you fear all situations where you don't have 100% control because it puts you back in that space of feeling vulnerable and believing pain is an inevitability. You would then have to work on reclaiming moments where you're not in control, realizing that they can actually be freeing or positive at times, and develop a healthier outlook. Of course all of this is much easier with therapy. If you don't have access to a therapist then I really recommend looking into self help books by PhDs, especially focused on trauma-based CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I've posted this in the vent thread in /ot/ but it had no replies.
I am scared to go to work on Sunday (two days from now).
Over the past month and a half, I've gone on a crusade against my pedophilic, ex-coworker from 5 years ago after finding out he'd been applying to grad school for music with a minor in education — which I didn't even know you could do. When I was 17 and he was 24 and we'd just begun sleeping together, he told me stories of other young girls and teenagers having crushes on him. One of which was a seventh-grader that "tried flirting with him" when he shadowed a teacher in undergrad. No way in hell am I going to let him become a teacher, tutor, anything to do with children.
His apologist girlfriend he'd cheated on with me without my knowledge at the time has broken up with him for good and he's been fired from his job working under her daddy's thumb, but only after I left a negative review on Google on Sunday night after never receiving a response to my email.
I still work at the same place we met. He walked in on Tuesday with sunglasses and a face mask on as a lazy disguise to sneak past our bosses that fucking hate him. I'd know him anywhere. We locked eyes across the store while he hovered in the middle stacks to further avoid being seen by the bosses. I knew it was him even with his sunglasses on by the overwhelming gut feeling I got — one I haven't felt since I'd last seen him, 4 years ago, when I was freshly 18.
I ignored him and joked with my manager, cackled loudly with my coworker, and when I had to help a customer, I sauntered down the aisle opposite where he was standing, cut through a break in the bays so that he could watch me walk away from him with my head held high. On the way back up to the front, this customer who's a favorite of the store almost bumped into him. I was trailing behind him. I caught sight of [pedo]'s eyes because he had his sunglasses off. The customer and I were talking and I made moon-eyes at him while I knew [pedo] was boring holes into me. I carried on about my day as if everything were normal, like he wasn't even there.
Eventually he left without buying anything. He never spoke a word to anyone. I won't tell my bosses about this incident (they never saw him, they were running around preparing for a meeting) unless he comes in again. The owner of the store has regularly flip-flopped between victim-blaming me since finding out and declaring that she'd take him around back and beat the shit out of him if she ever saw him again. I know she'd say, "What did you expect? You just ruined his life. Of course he wants revenge."
One of my old coworkers is going to bring me her extra taser at work on Sunday. The nerves are because it's our slowest day of the week and it's just me and one other coworker, the new guy, all day. I got lucky on Tuesday in that [pedo] came in during our busiest time of the day. I was never alone at the front of the store and there were plenty of customers milling around. I never leave work alone because there's always at least 2 of us closing, and my roommate is a coworker so she typically picks me up. I don't think he'd try anything, considering he's too chickenshit to walk in showing his face, but the fear is still there. He'd gotten violent with me a couple of times in the past.
I didn't breakdown over it until 1 AM that night, 11 hours later. I'd gotten high and realized that he might be back in this city for good. I haven't been able to really eat or sleep for days and I've been having weird tremors. The worst part is that a part of my brain was excited. A part of me has missed him all these years.
I've been through the same thing. The body remembers and it can definitely be more difficult to deal with on anniversaries.
This October will be the fourth anniversary since I was raped. The first anniversary was the hardest. I remember asking my therapist if I should take off from work or school on the anniversary of my rape, and she recommended going in and staying busy instead. It helped me to make a plan for the day. Even if you don't have work or school, it might help to focus on your life in the present, and do things that make you feel safe and happy. It's good to work on processing your trauma, too, but I don't think it has to happen on the anniversary. Each year it got easier for me, I already feel this year may be easier than the last. Treatment and time can help. Good luck anon, sending love and hope to you.
I mean, the owner should be more concerned. You can probably sue her if you told her about this threat and she ignores it.
Keep your phone on you and don't hesitate to call 911 to his face if he comes in an looks even slightly aggressive. Use the taser if you have to. You can also film him if he comes in, so there's evidence if he does try to pull something.
It may be awkward, but I would tell your co-worker and let him know that you might need back up. Better safe than sorry.
Today was the day I went back to work and he didn't show. I don't know if he went out of his way to drive 2 hours up here on Tuesday or if he's moved back. If I were to tell my boss and she didn't believe me, I'd have her roll back the security cameras' footage. I gladly took the taser from my old coworker and filled the new guy in on a situation. He's a former teacher and was fucking disgusted, said he'd keep an eye out. I gave my closest coworker his description.
I might have another job lined up soon and I think if I were to get it and tell my bosses about Pedo coming in in the same breath, they'd understand me quitting on the spot.
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I'm having a tough time not snapping at my boyfriend for merely looking at me while naked.
It's hard for me to accept any of his sexual advances towards me, I need to be the one to initiate everything (unless it's cuddles) or else I go into panic mode. Not sure if this is autism or the fact that my biological father diddled me for 8 years and after experiencing a rape from a former boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend, frankly I'm obsessed with him, but I instantly turn into a demon or a really annoyed person when he attempts to show his love and affection. Anything he does feels like assault. I hate that I push him away constantly. I'm scared to lose him after very time I snap.
Christ anon, "I'm sorry" doesn't even cover it. You should never have had to endure such terrible and traumatic experiences.
Does your boyfriend know what you've been through? As someone who has a partner that experienced abuse, simply knowing that his negative reactions were stemming from trauma and not a dislike for me helped and allowed me to not take things personally. If he's aware, he should be able to empathize and be patient if he's the right one for you. I'm a more dominant person sexually and I similarly had to respect that I needed to allow my partner to be the one initiating and maintaining control because he felt too vulnerable otherwise. It was a trade-off I was happy to make when I understood his sense of safety and comfort was on the line. Eventually as we built trust he got more flexible and now I can be the one doing those things as well, so I believe you can overcome this in time and with a considerate partner.