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No. 1795162
>>1795114>>1795153I'm at home with my Mother but nothing brings me comfort. I'm considering killing myself.
My darling angel died of an overdose. I wish I was dead too.
No. 1795198
>>1795162be strong nonna. your darling is still with you but just not in the ways they were before. Give yourself time to grieve and mourn, but then live. live for you, and live for them.
You will always be loved, and you will find peace.
No. 1795224
File: 1701362007757.jpeg (437.11 KB, 828x767, IMG_3886.jpeg)
OP I can't relate to the topic itself but I do wish you healing, love and light after the passing of your beloved. So sorry for your loss.
No. 1795284
>>1795276I've tried reddit communities but it's just full of empty platitudes about how time heals all and between that and people mourning their Dogs 7 months after their passing I just felt I was getting nowhere
My lovely fiancée had an incredible story and I'd love to tell it here if anyone is interested. It was a true romance we shared.
No. 1795304
Oh nona, I am so sorry. It's been five years (5 years, 6 months, 14 days, and thirteen hours) for me, but the pain is just so horrific and raw when it's that fresh. You're going to do nothing but cry for the next couple of months and that's okay. It is also very normal to want to kill yourself all the time in the beginning. I even went so far as to make a plan and write the note but decided not to.
Right now, you're going to try to hoard everything that he's ever touched. Grocery lists he wrote, a stuffed animal he gave you, a doodle he made on the fridge. My advice is to take pictures of it all and put it on an external hard drive. That way, if anything is lost or damaged, you still have a picture of it. Make back ups of all the photos you have, in case your cloud is deleted or your computer/phone wiped.
No. 1795307
>>1795296He died of an overdose on my sofa. He tried opiates for the first time and it killed him. He was beautiful and used to model when he wa a teenager.
I wrote him a eulogy.
F helped anyone he could; he encountered a lost child at Latitude festival, and repatriated her with her friends. When my Mother had an upcoming inspection, he made the house immaculate in a day. F would help anyone; except for himself. He spoke poorly of himself and errantly miscast himself as the villain of his own life.
F suffered clandestinely, a pain we could scarcely imagine. He possessed complicated afflictions and fared poorly during the dim of the harsher seasons. He felt deeply and his soul glowed fantastically around his tender person, immediately charming and compelling anyone he met. Sooty-lashed, rose cheeked and doe-eyed, he was simply irresistible to anyone fortunate enough to so much as pass him on the street, and his outrageous beauty often afforded him benefit of the doubt. F was a meticulous diary-keeper, never betraying his commitment a single week. He aspired to open a burger van, a bar, or a nightclub and he desired an Audi from the 1990s. He liked Peronis but disliked cake. He'd always shave, tilt his head back and ask 'Is my beard even' and I'd say yes because I didn't know what I was looking at. F believed in the healing power of crystals and astrology. He is as passionate as he is tall and he aspired to be a father and a husband and would have excelled at both.
F is majestic, divine, exquisite, but also delicate, fragile and sensitive. A spurt of Fs musical laughter was an addictive and healing sound. A limpid vapour of kindness and warmth followed him everywhere, but so did tragedy, so now the cruelest atrocity imaginable plagues our lives. We will never move on but perhaps we will learn to live with the unacceptable. The Godless and agonising fact of Fs death will haunt us forever. Fs main states were either flustered, weary or excitable and was adorable in all 3.
A passage from mine and Fs shared love of Nabakov articulates my feelings much more eloquently than I can:
'And I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I will die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. I would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face.
It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.'
F is the name of the fire in my veins, the burn in my throat, the broken glass that slices open my flesh each time I get on my hands and knees and beg God to reunite us. F is the name I'd spell with my putrefacted entrails.
F, the love of my life, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I have regrets. I have such regrets. F, I'm yours and worship you in this life and every one that comes after it.
F helped anyone he could; he encountered a lost child at Latitude festival, and repatriated her with her friends. When my Mother had an upcoming inspection, he made the house immaculate in a day. F would help anyone; except for himself. He spoke poorly of himself and errantly miscast himself as the villain of his own life.
F suffered clandestinely, a pain we could scarcely imagine. He possessed complicated afflictions and fared poorly during the dim of the harsher seasons. He felt deeply and his soul glowed fantastically around his tender person, immediately charming and compelling anyone he met. Sooty-lashed, rose cheeked and doe-eyed, he was simply irresistible to anyone fortunate enough to so much as pass him on the street, and his outrageous beauty often afforded him benefit of the doubt. Fin was a meticulous diary-keeper, never betraying his commitment a single week. He aspired to open a burger van, a bar, or a nightclub and he desired an Audi from the 1990s. He liked Peronis but disliked cake. He'd always shave, tilt his head back and ask 'Is my beard even' and I'd say yes because I didn't know what I was looking at. F believed in the healing power of crystals and astrology. He is as passionate as he is tall and he aspired to be a father and a husband and would have excelled at both.
F is majestic, divine, exquisite, but also delicate, fragile and sensitive. A spurt of Fs musical laughter was an addictive and healing sound. A limpid vapour of kindness and warmth followed him everywhere, but so did tragedy, so now the cruelest atrocity imaginable plagues our lives. We will never move on but perhaps we will learn to live with the unacceptable. The Godless and agonising fact of Fs death will haunt us forever. Fs main states were either flustered, weary or excitable and was adorable in all 3.
A passage from mine and Fs shared love of Nabakov articulates my feelings much more eloquently than I can:
'And I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I will die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. I would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face.
It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.'
F is the name of the fire in my veins, the burn in my throat, the broken glass that slices open my flesh each time I get on my hands and knees and beg God to reunite us. F is the name I'd spell with my putrefacted entrails.
F, the love of my life, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I have regrets. I have such regrets. F, I'm yours and worship you in this life and every one that comes after it.
No. 1795308
>>1795304You know my pain too? Please tell me it gets better
He was everything to me. And I to him. We worshipped one another.
No. 1795312
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Damn, OP.. I wasn't expecting to see something like this today, but I'd be lying if I said it isn't a fear I've had in the back of my mind for a long time.
I know that words can't fix this. I hate that you're going through this and I hope that you're able to find a semblance of peace at some point. I'm gonna keep you in my thoughts today.
No. 1795313
>>1795308It does get better. At first, there's nothing but the pain. It encompasses everything, and everything causes it. But, as the months go on, you get a little more used to having a hole in your chest. And then, slowly, bit by bit, it starts to scar over. And some days and moments are just as raw and painful as that first, but those days come less and less frequently. You'll always miss him, and you'll always love him, but some day you'll be able to think of him without crying.
No. 1795322
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I'm going to share some poems that helped me. I'll spoiler them so that if you're not ready, you don't have to look at them.
No. 1795327
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>>1795314This is normal, you're going to feel a lot of guilt for a lot of different things. Same with rage. By coincidence, I was widowed at the same age as my grandmother and at my husband's funeral, my mom tried to comfort me by telling me that at least I didn't have five children to raise like my grandmother did. And now, I'm happy about that, I could have never kept myself together enough in that immediate aftermath to continue raising a child. But at the time, I was so mad that she had had something of him while I had nothing.
It's a sad rule, but a true one, you will deeply mourn for about half as long as you two were together.
No. 1795330
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No. 1795331
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No. 1795423
>>1795419I've left my home and job and I'm back with my Mother. Don't think I will ever recover
I found his body too. It was so traumatic and painful
No. 1795432
>>1795423im sorry for your loss. i know you must be going bad with grief right now.
Just let it okay? let the grief rip through your heart. Because one day youll come out at the other side of this and youll be glad you grieved.
While the process is going on tho, please remember to be kind to yourself. Drink plenty water, eat whatever the hell you want, sit down and try to do some relaxing activities.
youll get through this nonna, just allow yourself to grieve and feel those awful feelings.
The best advice someone gave me once was that the grief won't get any less; youll just learn to live with it. So feel all that sadness and anger, and just know that exactly what you're doing now is the right path to healing.
No. 1795768
>>1795343Im the nonna from
>>1795310 and while the idea of having a living piece of your love sounds beautiful, I promise that it’s really not. Raising that child after the loss is hell. Babies are hard to raise with a partner, harder while single, borderline impossible while mourning. You expect to feel comfort in that remaining piece of your lover, but it’s painful.
I love my daughter, but I can tell I will have a hard time when she grows up. She looks just like her mother. And if she looks like her mom as a teenager or adult, when I see her asleep, I’m just gonna remember seeing my wife at her funeral, she looked like she was sleeping too.
No. 1795769
>>1795314Oh nonna
please don’t guilt trip yourself, you are already going through the wringer and back dealing with losing the person you love in the first place. I am incredibly sorry that you were not able to reproduce together before he left this earth, but I guarantee you, having a child to take care of by your lonesome makes mourning much harder
No. 1795790
I am an old woman, I just turned 72 in October. I am new to board culture, but I am not new to loss. I’ve outlived 4 partners, 3 men and 1 woman.
L was my childhood sweetheart, my first love. His mom and my mom were friends, and we were inseparable. We planned to marry the second we turned 18, but he witnessed a crime, and was murdered. We were both 17. I never got over him. We wrote notes to each other in class, this was the 60s, we had no texting. I kept all his notes in a shoebox, which was lost in a fire. I’m still not over that.
Then there was J. He was a kind man I met in college, fall of 1972. He wasn’t a talker, but he was sweet and loving. He looked big and tough, but I knew he was a gentle giant. Strong too, he could pick me up by the back of my shirt and move me off his favorite spot on the sofa. We married in 1975, and I got pregnant. Our daughter was born Spring 1977. He was such a good father. His appearance was tough, but the way he held our baby girl was so gentle. He died from being hit by a drunk driver on July 5th 1978. I didn’t even learn until the next day, as he died without his wallet, or any form of ID. He survived for a short time, but died later. I didn’t get to say goodbye.
V, I truly believe was the love of my life. I am bisexual, but she was a lesbian. We met in 1982, at a pride rally. She was a single mom too, our daughters got along and we kept in touch. She was very active in the lgbt scene, she was even at stonewall when she was a young adult. Very amazing woman, truly brilliant. She never stopped fighting for her rights. This was the 80s though, and we never were legally married. We did everything else, include adopt each others daughters. V carried a deep darkness in her though, she was extremely depressed. She had happy days, but the dark days were debilitating. We couldn’t even hospitalize her, that would be a death sentence for a lesbian like her. No therapy either, she just white knuckled every one of her episodes, until she couldn’t anymore. I was at work, the girls were at school, and she took her own life. She wrote notes to me, and to our daughters, for scary year of their lives until 30 and several life events, such as birth or marriage. I miss my late partners, but V is the only one who I catch myself crying for while writing. I have grown used to the ache of my husbands, but V? It feels like I just found her all over again. Luckily, her daughter was in my care, or else she would have been an orphan, V had no family left alive. I love you V. February 1st 1952-September 23rd 1989.
My daughters were encouraging me to get back into dating, they watched me suffer from V’s loss, I could never date another woman. It was too painful, I could only see V in all of them. I met D when I was 40 and he was 45, he was a family friends son. We knew of each other, but never really got along until older age. We were friends, and grew closer with time. He lost his mother to suicide around the time I lost V, so we became each others rocks. D was such a charming man. He wasn’t big and strong like J, he was sensitive and sweet. My daughters liked him too, he was a great artist and taught one of them a lot about sculpting, which she does professionally now. He passed recently, May 19th 2020. It may seem depressing, but I’m glad I got to spend decades with him. I lost my other lovers so quick, I never expected to grow old with anyone.
Nowadays, I don’t plan to date ever again. I’ve had enough grief to last several lifetimes. J and my daughter is a lawyer now, I kept myself busy by raising her, and she turned out to be a stunning young woman, who now has a son. V’s daughter is the sculptor. She used to tear me apart by asking when her mother would come home, but I supported her through the loss. She was only 12, after all. She has thee daughters, one of which has a daughter herself.
My truth after all of this is that you never truly learn to get over it. You simply mourn, and cherish every memory you hold with them. You’ll grieve what never was, but celebrate what existed. You may move on one day, or you may hold their place as your one true live forever. Trust me when I say, time flies. Before you know it, you’ll be old like me, thinking about how you’re going to give them the biggest hug and kiss once you’re at the other side together. You’ve got this ladies. I believe in you <3
No. 1795820
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>>1795790You are ethereally strong. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I’m sending you a lot of love, grandnonnie
No. 1796860
>>1795840AYRT (I hope I used that right), but unfortunately, there is more loss when you age. All the adults in my life from my childhood are gone now, you’ll lose a lot in life, not just lovers. I don’t want to sound like everything is worse when you’re older, cause it’s something you get used to. I’ve found the best way to cope is forcing yourself through it. This comes easier if you have things to survive for, things that you can’t allow yourself to rot away with, because you don’t want to bring that pain on another being. At first I only trudged through the loss for my cat, then for my daughters, and now it’s for my entire family. Nowadays, it’s very easy to rot away at home when you mourn. I truly think if I was born in this generation, I would not have gotten through my first loss, the others would be unthinkable. You just have to find something else in life worth living for, and force yourself to be present for it. Even if you just have to keep your plants alive, it’s better than withering away in bed.
>>1795815I love a good gossip, but most women my age wouldn’t really care for the gossip I enjoy reading about here. If I tried to talk to my grandma group about Shay or Mariah or Luna, I think they’d assume I’ve completely lost it and that I’m making up words Hehe. But I think older women would enjoy the g board
>>1796072Women like you who denounce everything they hear as false never get far in life. It’s wise to be cautious and take stories with a grain of salt, especially anonymous stories, but if you used your big girl brain, you’d be able to tell a lie from the truth. Do you think a prankster would be so specific? I bet you don’t even remember your grandmothers birth year, but I can name the exact date and time I learned my lovers died. Maybe zip your lips and keep those rude thoughts inside.
No. 1797412
>>1795790Grandma anon it's OP here.
It been 3 weeks since my beautiful angel passed. When will I start to feel better?! I never want to date someone again. I can't go through this again.
No. 1797739
>>1797468Same but with my ex fiancé so I wouldn't have to split the property with him.
He was a piece of shit ladies and brings no value to anybody.
Please perform dark magic.
(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE) No. 1798021
>>1797468>>1797739Can you people
please take this somewhere else? You have the whole site to rant about how much you want your shitty nigel to die. It's unfathomably rude to do so in the fucking widow thread.
No. 1798049
>>1798024Perhaps talk to a therapist about this
There is a way out of this cycle though these kinds of wounds take time to heal
No. 1799324
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>>1799305We were introduced by a mutual friend who showed me pictures of him, he is extremely attractive and very tall. We did everything togehter. Never left the house without one another.
Our first meeting, I didn't like him at all! But by the second date I was impressed by his sensitivity, intelligence and beautiful laugh. Our third date was over a weekend and we had sex 13 times. It was extremely passionate even right until the end.
The last thing he texted me was 'I'll come to you' and I choose to believe that it's a sign we will be reunited in heaven. And I know I will. Because I've spent my time in Hell.
No. 1799328
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>>1799305we fought valiantly against his addiction but it was bigger than both of us and once he got curious about opiates it killed him on his first try
No. 1799332
>>1799328You are fucking retarded holding a moid like he's a child, you were his servant
Women are such a notorious notorious pickmes glad he died cause it's the only way to pull y'all male worshippers away from babying men
(infighting) No. 1799364
>>1799360Act like a drug addicts or mother Mary towards moids who didn't didn't even loved them but just liked being pampered by yall
No one wants to see y'all unconditional love for men meanwhile as a woman we get hated by life for not being servile
(hide threads you don't like) No. 1799377
>>1799364 >>1799358
>>1799332How can you claim to be for women, but cannot put away your hate to ease another ones suffering? May you be shown such love when pained.
No. 1799386
>>1799371Thank you nona. He adores me he really does. And I'm the only person who ever understood him.
He didn't know how to ask for help and he didn't know how to communicate his needs and he died tragically at only 23. It's just awful
No. 1799389
>>1799388Thank you for saying this nona that actually means a lot.
My lover was such a classic full blown romantic. He had BPD which I think made him even more romantic and sweet and devoted to me.
No. 1799392
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All this combined with being an actual 10/10 beauty. If I posted his picture here no one would believe me that he was actually mine.
No. 1799718
>>1799389I hope you're surviving nona.
If you need someone to talk to I am here.
I will try to check this thread for you as often as possible.
Please make sure youre eating and drinking enough water.
No. 1799963
>>1799949The truth that you need to accept before you can even begin healing from this is that it was NOT your fault and you couldn't have changed the outcome. An addict who decides to use will find a way to use. It's just a tragic circumstance that is no one's fault.
I have a close friend who's boyfriend passed from a heroin overdose a few years ago. I can tell you she is doing better but it was of course an unfathomably tough road.
This is something that many more people go through than we would like to think. We all want to delude ourselves into believing our loved ones will all pass away warm in their beds at 100 years old surrounded by family and friends but unfortunately the truth is, young people die all the time. In an instant. And it is the worst thing about life by far.
I do know spirituality can be a huge comfort to grieving people. It doesn't have to be an organized religion either, just opening your mind to the possibility of souls living on and reconnecting eventually. I have had experiences that have led me to believe without a doubt that we are more than just our physical selves and our connections with others live on even as our bodies die. Knowing you will likely have to wait a long time to see him again is still agonizing, but it is so, so much better than resigning to the alternative. Good luck anon, I hope with all my heart you eventually find a way through the grief-it won't become smaller but you will grow around it.
No. 1799975
I'm tearing up reading this thread, I wish all widow-nonas can find peace. What a horrific thing to experience.
>>1799949unfortunately this isn't something you can control, it really isn't your fault. You can't make him stop being addicted nor could you monitor him 24/7 or ensure that the drugs weren't cut with something.
I hope you consider grief counseling.
No. 1800028
>>1799952He was my fiance, and he died in my care. On MY watch. I will always feel responsible. He was my responsibility.
>>1799963He always said to me 'we will meet in the next life'. When I close my eyes, I genuinely feel him here. Shoulda seen it coming.
No. 1800075
>>1800033He decided to take a huge amount of methadone. It likely wasn't laced.
He took much more than a lethal dose, he was already high on other stuff.
No. 1800100
>>1799949please please do not blame
yourself honey. He was making his own decisions, and he decided to not be safe, knowing that it could hurt himself and you. All we can do is pray that he’s resting peacefully. We’re here for you
nonnie, ignore the scrotes
No. 1801978
>>1799949If its any more comforting- I experienced an OD and death of my uncle while he was in prison and being monitored, they couldn't get to him in time and my family blamed themselves for all and everything. Unfortunetly addiction is a true disease and I have seen it time ans time again while living in Vancouver (Canada) and having family who are involved. You might find some solsitice in losing a loved one on addicition fourms, or volunteering yourself as well. We cannot save everyone but making the most in our time here on this planet and with others in our life, has helped my depression a lot. We may not be able to stop death or addiction but love each other and embrace the memories we do have. You sound so lovely and so human, my heart longs for you. What did he like to do with you? How did you spend your days together? The memories we have, we can live in and embrace our loved ones in. Their smiles, the moments without pain. These days I find writing and loathing in my pain can help the hurt temporarily.. but the moments that are good, are better. There will always be part of your heart that will want to be closest to him, but finding ways to comfort your sadness will help keep you alive. As much as you mourn him missing, how do you think he would comfort you? You cannot see him but he will always be with you nona, in this lifetime and the next. I believe life brings our spirits together for reasons and learning, no matter where we are or how old we get, you will find his spirit. I love you nonita.. and keep fighting. I check in this thread daily to every 2-3 days. We will always be here to support you.
All of you.
No. 1802850
>>1801978We spent most of our time just doting excessively on each other. We were extremely into affection and spent lots of time holding one another, giving each other gratuitous gestures of affection, (kissing each others entire bodies), writing poems and letters to each other, just cuddling in silence at times. Even just going to Target together was thrilling for me.
He's much taller so I used to look up at him with big, loving eyes and tell him I loved him endlessly. I still feel very in love with him. He's still here with me, I feel.
No. 1807493
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I saw this image and it was like it broke something open inside of me. I cried as hard as I did that first day. Afterwards I felt really good, like I had drained an abscess. It has been eight years but I think I'm ready to forgive myself.
No. 1807717
>>1797412AYRT, sorry for being so late. it is really hard to date after you lose someone, and often times, you need to give yourself years to mourn. Trying to get back into dating after losing your lover is like trying to run a marathon after breaking both your legs. Forcing yourself to do it right away is hellish, but one day, your bones won’t be broken, they’ll grow back stronger. You’ll always remember your first love, and you must try to remember that he loved you too, and he wouldn’t want you to suffer for your entire life afterwards. The biggest advice I’ll give is never date a man who seems to compete with your dead lover. I’ve had to end many relationships because of men who were jealous of my late partners, and you’re better off without them.
>>1799328Nona, your relationship is beautiful. It takes a certain strength to stay with someone who’s an addict, and this is not a diss on your husband. I can see how deep your love went, because of the way you speak to him. I’ve been friends with many former addicts and you are the type of woman every unstable person wishes they had, someone supportive and loving. I know it probably feels like you didn’t do enough, but you did. You gave him a good life, you were probably his ray of sunshine in a life of storms. I hope you heal, nona, because these types of loss are even more intense when you expect it to get better.
>>1800172Losing the second husband was not great. I had managed to heal and value everything I experienced before, but losing J felt like I got my heart ripped out twice as hard. I felt like everything I built up, all the strength I gained just fell apart in an instant. I prided myself on being a strong woman who faces hardship, but I crumpled like tissue. I went to my mothers house and cried in her arms like a toddler. I didn’t want to date ever again, but I only managed to do so after preparing myself for the idea that I can lose my lover in an instant. That’s how I dated V, but her loss broke me twice as hard. I still am not over her loss, I think about her every day. My best advice is to try not to force yourself to date if you know you’re not ready. You rarely get as unlucky as me, most relationships either end in breakups or drifting apart, it’s not common to just lose them so fast. You kind of take comfort in the fact that whatever happened to your past partners was a stroke of horrible luck, and that maybe this time will be different. I’m sorry if that’s not a good answer, but it’s the only one I have.
No. 1810596
>>1810586I’m asking why you’re so obsessed with a dime a dozen bpd lolcow poster who doesn’t even have a thread.
btw you should get a job.