/ot/ - off-topic

Thought I'd start a thread for alcoholics and such, as I'm sick of /r/stopdrinking, even though it helped in the beginning of my recovery from alcoholism. I still struggle even though I'm getting closer to two years without drinking. But it's a different kind of struggle than it was when I first quit. I'm an anxious person so it's difficult to want to shut everything off but not have the choice to drink alcohol. I know I would just abuse it again if I started now. I have alcoholic genes and alcohol is absolutely my drug of choice. My life has gotten 200% better since choosing not to drink anymore, yet I miss having the option of going crazy and losing myself in my favorite drug. I quit nicotine a couple months ago and weed makes me too paranoid to calm me, so there is nothing comparable to drinking anymore. I am frustrated with things in my life right now, but I know I cannot drink or it will be worse. I have made myself some spam and eggs for breakfast and will allow myself to snack a bit if that helps with the anxiety.

I haven't had a long struggle with alcohol but last summer I learnt that I just can't drink and keep my shit together. My mental health has been troubled since my early teens and it makes no sense for me to drink given it either depresses me or lets down the carefully built walls that are keeping my emotions in check.

I only fell into the habit of drinking when I got news that my ex of 8 years had randomly made contact with my dad again. It seems like such a small thing but it sent me reeling, made me paranoid. It brought back memories of a time in my life where I had no support and I felt like my dad (my only living parent) was taking the side of my abusive ex and not believing me. I spent a few months day drinking to escape my own paranoid thoughts about them both laughing at me. I have a memory of my neighbor knocking one day and I was so drunk so early in the day that I just hid. He knew I was home and when he asked the next day I had no prepared answer so just stood there blank. That seemed like a wake up call but no. I drank some more and ended up emailing incoherent ramblings to that same ex. I wanted to die the next day when I saw what was in my sent box. 8 years of trying to cope and I just transported back in time and did the exact crazy shit that I managed to stop myself doing 8 fucking years earlier. It was like I had drank liquid bpd juice and gone back in time to fuck my life up.

That was what it took to kick myself awake again. The thing that had triggered my drinking.. was the same thing I made so much worse under the influence of alcohol. It wasn't helping me to escape. It was unlocking years of repressed pain and anger and leaving me raw and so unfiltered that I was making a fool of myself.

>>1325628
I'm mostly in the same situation, nona. I've been sober for over a year and on the outside it looks like I'm doing fine. At this point I know that I won't start drinking again, it is not an option for me anymore. I miss having a point to my days, whether I was drinking myself into a blackout or trying to get sober. Now there is just bland nothingness and no escape from my problems. I miss the escape of it and how I would feel emotions in a very strong and chaotic way. Sometimes it feels like I've been the victim of demonic possession or something, the person I was when I was drinking is just so strange to me. (Not to try and excuse my behavior, I know it was me, just trying to explain how it felt). It is nice to be in control of myself again though. Drinking was an easy escape from my PTSD for a while, but eventually I fell into destructive behavior and I made things worse for myself. I try to focus on the positives.

>>1325700
Yes, exactly! I do feel like I was hijacked in those years of drinking. Remembering just how bad the bad times were and then focusing on the goods things that have happened after it can seem like all you can do when the urge gets stronger. But filling all the space left after you stop drinking can be exhausting by itself. I'm thinking about taking up volunteering, but I'm already tired from working full-time (another thing I could not do if I were to drink again). I think I just need to focus back on what it looks like to take care of myself. I've started to overeat as a response to stress now and I've gained almost all the weight I lost after quitting drinking. It's better than being crazy drunk, but I know it's a product of not feeling good. Still I miss losing myself in emotional chaos too.

I dont have a substance abuse problem but my gf who has now asked for a break and space I know is abusing alcohol and getting drunk every other week because she told me she was. She stopped talking to me cold turkey a month ago and I can't relate to her drinking problem because I never had a desire to drink or think about it. Can recovery anons shed some light so I can help or understand her better or helpful nice things you wish someone would tell you?

>>1325775
As someone who's been fighting both drug and alcohol addiction for just over 15 years, nice things did absolutely nothing to help me. If anything they validated my bullshit "but I'm hurting" excuses. Your gf might have experienced trauma or have mental health issues as I, and many other addicts do. But she's destroying herself and she's also destroying your future together. I would tell her that it's ok to be "broken" and to try and drown out all the horrible shit in life with booze, but it can literally kill her and you shouldn't have to wait in the wings wasting your own life while she figures things out. If you guys are serious she needs to commit to recovery. I would recommend AA, yes it's preachy and weird but that (and NA) saved me. I want to tell you though that you are worthy of a partner who is good for you. A couple of my long term girlfriends were very hurt by my drink and drug abuse and I'm forever in their debt for robbing them of so much time and betraying them with substances on multiple occasions. These were bright young women and I wasted their time and hurt them. By all means try to get through to your gf and help her, be gentle but firm. Tell her you're there for her and want her to get better, that you'll stand by her if she does, but that you can't continue like this. She's throwing your future away as a couple and her own physical health. It's cruel to expect a partner to just sit there and watch the person they love self-destruct. Know your worth. Please don't let yourself be dragged down by an addict who refuses help. God bless and good luck.